


Shifting Fortunes

by ddelusionall



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ, JYJ (Band), Super Junior
Genre: Alternate Universe - Farm/Ranch, Alternate Universe - Idols, Breaking Up & Making Up, Discussion of Past Abuse, Falling In Love, Getting to Know Each Other, Heechul is a tool, Jaejoong is a rich brat, M/M, My First Fanfic, Outdoor Sex, Smut but not explicit, Yunho is a poor farmboy, at least he was at first
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-10-08
Updated: 2009-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:33:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 53,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23878477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ddelusionall/pseuds/ddelusionall
Summary: Jaejoong was raised in riches. Yunho has struggled most of his life just to keep food in his stomach. Jaejoong leaves his family and ends up working beside Yunho at a farm in the mountains. In a world of uncertainties, what is Jaejoong willing to give up in order to have everything?--This was my very first fanfic.
Relationships: Jung Yunho (DBSK)/Kim Jaejoong, Kim Junsu (JYJ)/Park Yoochun, Past Kim Heechul/Kim Jaejoong
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	1. Jaejoong's Predicament

**Author's Note:**

> I am importing my stories from LiveJournal. The original fic can be found [here](http://be-ddelusionall.livejournal.com/).
> 
> I haven't read this story in a long time, so I may have missed some tags. Just let me know if I did.

**JAEJOONG**

_Jae turned the water temperature up. With hands on the wall, he leaned into the shower spray. Water ran in rivulets down his back. The heat did little to relax his muscles.  
God, what a mess.  
How could he have ever let anything come between him and Yunho?_

\---

**3 years earlier ...**

Jae sat on his bed, one knee bent, one hand idly flipping through a celebrity magazine. His toes clenched into the cotton of his bed spread.

Someone knocked on his door.

“Enter.”

Ferdinand entered with a bow. “Pardon me, Master Jae,” he said with his slight Spanish accent, “but your father would like to see you in his office.”

“I’ll be right there.”

Jae stood and pondered barging into his father’s office dressed as he was in low slung jeans. Better not make things worse; nothing good ever came out of being called to the office. Jae went to his closet. He selected gray trousers and a white button up shirt. He slid the jeans off and then smirked at his reflection. How about this? Walk through the whole house in nothing but his boxers. Maybe if Heechul was here to tell him to do it he would.

He dressed quickly, slipping on loafers and a tie just to be more presentable. He traversed the corridors and stairways without really thinking about them. He could find his father’s office blindfolded. His mind was on Heechul and hoping that he’d get there earlier than midnight.

Ferdinand was waiting at the office door. He knocked, and then entered.

“Your son is here to see you, Mr. Kim Yoojoong.”

Jae walked past him and went to the middle of the office. He briefly noted the presence of Mr. Park Yongchan, and then looked at his father. He stayed on his feet.

“Jaejoong,” his father began, and then motioned to the other man. “You remember Mr. Park Yongchan.”

Jae turned and bowed low. “Of course. Greetings, Mr. Park Yongchan.”

“Hello, Jaejoong.”

“There’s going to be a dinner in a few weeks. The usual families will be there. We will have a special presentation that night and announce your engagement to Park Yongchan’s daughter, Soonya.”

Jae stopped breathing. “Excuse me?” he said before he could stop himself.

His father looked at him sharply. “Is there a problem?”

“What if I don’t want to be engaged to Soonya?”

“What’s the meaning of this Mr. Kim Yoojoong?” Mr. Park demanded.  
Jae turned to the man and bowed again. “No offense to your daughter, Mr. Park Yongchan. You know we’re good friends, but I’m not interested in marrying her.”

“Is there another of your young female friends you’d rather be married to?” His father’s tone was careful.

“No, sir. I can honestly say that girls don’t really do it for me.”

Jae fought back a large grin at the utter look of astonishment on his father’s face.

“This doesn’t concern what does it for you,” his father finally snapped. “You will marry her.”

“I refuse.”

“Then suffer the consequences. You’re dismissed.”

Jae turned smartly and left. Consequences? What? Was he going to drag him to the altar and force his mouth to say I do?

He pulled his phone from his pocket and sent a text to Heechul telling him to come over sooner. He’d get a good laugh at this, and then Jae would show Heechul again why there was no way that he’d want to marry a girl.

\---

A soft knock sounded on his door at about ten thirty. Jae jumped from the bed and padded barefoot across the room. He was wearing just his jeans again. He flung the door open and his breath caught at the vision on the other side. Kim Heechul was fantastically good looking, with soft skin, deep brown eyes and a jaw line that just needed to be stroked. He wore a plain white t-shirt, black trousers and red slip-on loafers.

Jae grabbed the front of the t-shirt, hauled him into the room, slammed the door, slammed Heechul against it, and crushed their lips together.

Heechul grabbed his shoulders and pushed him away. All he did was raise his eyebrows, but Jae knew it for the reprimand it was.

“Sorry,” he said and ducked his head.

“What are you in such a good mood for?” Heechul asked.

“I told my father off today.”

“What the hell for?”

“He expects me to marry Soonya, and I told him I wasn’t interested.”

“Again, what the hell for?”

Jae stopped. “What do you mean? I don’t love her.”

“Since when was any marriage based on love? Marrying Soonya would be perfect. Tying your families together. And that bank account? You’d be twice as rich.”

Jae scoffed. “What do I need more money for? And what about us?”

“Us?”

“Yeah, us. This.” He gestured to their bodies pressed together.

“Why would this stop just because you’re married?”

Jae shook his head and stepped back from him. “I’m not going to be unfaithful—”

Heechul laughed. “Are you kidding? How oblivious are you? You think your parents are faithful? You think mine are? It happens when you marry for status.”

“Well, I’m not going to marry for status.”

“Oh, so you’ll marry for love?” Heechul shook his head. “That’s just stupid.”

“I love you. Is that stupid?”

Heechul didn’t answer. But the pitying look he shot Jae and the shake of his head were enough.

“This isn’t love, Jae. This is called having fun. I know I’m marrying Yoojin.”

“But Hee—”

“Look, Jae.” Heechul sighed. “You know I love you, but as a friend. Just like I love Siwon and Donghae and Eunhyuk. We’re all friends.”

“Donghae and Eunhyuk love each other.”

“Donghae and Eunhyuk are crazy, but they’ll marry a girl just like we will.”

“I won’t.”

“Don’t be stubborn about this.”

Heechul pulled their bodies back together. “Just do what your father says, Jae. It will make your life easier. And trust me, I have no intention of ever stopping anything with you.”

“So don’t marry Yoojin. We have enough money to make it on our own.”

Heechul laughed. “Yeah, right. I think not.”

Jae struggled out of his arms and turned his back on Heechul. He heard Heechul step closer and jerked away before he could touch him.

“I won’t do it, Hee.”

Heechul sighed again. “Let’s go to bed. I’ll make use of that new little toy I bought you. I’ll take your mind off it for the night, and then we’ll deal with it in the morning.”

Jae spun around. “No. To all of that. Just leave.”

“Jae.”

“Just leave.”

They stared at each other. Heechul shook his head and muttered something like “drama queen” under his breath. He started to undress. Jae shut his eyes on the sight.

“I know you want me,” Heechul whispered.

Jae shook his head. “Not like this, I don’t.” He took a deep breath, opened his eyes. He spared one glance at a boxer-clad Heechul and then stormed out of his room. There were plenty of other rooms in this house he could sleep in. He slammed the door on Heechul calling his name.


	2. Yunho's New Roommate

**YUNHO**

_Yunho turned the tap to cold, trying to get rid of the feel of Jae’s hands and lips and body. Nothing doing. He shivered, forcing himself to stay in the spray. His skin prickled. Icy droplets dripped off his nose.  
God, what a mess.  
How could he have let those stupid friends of Jae’s come between them? _

\---  
**3 years earlier ...**

Yunho trudged up the stairs. His boots felt exceptionally heavy today. For the first time in a long time, he bypassed the dining room. If he was hungry later, he’d go scavenge, but now, he just wanted to lie down and maybe take a shower.

He opened the attic door, let his eyes adjust to the dim light, and then stopped in his tracks. There were five beds crammed in the tiny space, with just enough room for a small chest between each one. Yunho’s bed was the farthest from the door. But there was someone already laying in it.

Yunho walked to the only other occupied bed. Yoochun looked up, startled, when he settled on the end of the bed.

“Who’s that?” Yunho asked.

“Dunno. New guy, I guess.”

“What are you working on?”

Yoochun blushed and pulled his pad and pencil closer. “The usual.”

“You’re really going to have to let me see your music one day. It’s not fair that Junsu is allowed and I’m not.”

“Maybe one day.”

Yunho grinned, and then looked over at his occupied bed. He had a different view of the body. Trim hips. Sloping shoulders. Brown hair, long falling past his neck. He wore jeans and a blue t-shirt, but Yunho could tell they were expensive jeans. They look tailored just for the guy’s ass.

Yunho thought he was asleep, but then there was a loud sigh, and he flipped onto his back. One leg bent at the knee, and both hands went above his head, revealing a strip of pale skin.

“You better go introduce yourself,” Yoochun muttered. “That’d be a better first impression than being caught drooling.”

Yunho punched his leg and stood up. He moved over two beds. Sit? Stand? He decided to stand.

“Hey,” he said, more quietly than he meant to.

Deep brown eyes locked with his. He stared a lot longer than he should have. He cleared his throat. “My name is Jung Yunho.”

He nodded. His voice broke when he said his name. “I’m Kim Jaejoong.”

“Well, looks like we’re bunk mates,” Yunho said. He finally sat down.

Jaejoong curled his legs up to give him more room. Yunho could feel those eyes on him as he unlaced his boots. The silence bugged him. So he started talking. “I’m not sure how you’re going to feel about sharing the bed and all, not everyone handles it well, but if you’re not going to then you better get used to the floor. I’m not giving up my bed.”

Yunho didn’t dare meet his eyes. He stood up and, still under complete scrutiny, pulled his t-shirt off. There was a sharp intake of breath. He cut his eyes to the new guy, but he was looking away.

Finally, Jaejoong muttered, “I’m okay with it. Better than the hard ass floor.”

“True.”

Yunho wanted to say more, but he didn’t know what. His quiet demeanor was unsettling. He grabbed his soap from his chest and left for the shower without saying anything else.

Yoochun was humming “K-I-S-S-I-N-G” as he walked by.

He took a record shower, if only because Jaejoong’s deep eyes and perfect face were intruding on his thoughts and the shower in a bathroom he shared with nine other guys was not the place to dwell on those thoughts.

Damn it. He forgot to grab clean clothes. He wrapped the towel around his waist and went back upstairs. More of the beds were occupied. Junsu was curled around Yoochun, looking at the secret notebook and nodding.

“This is great, babe,” he said, and gave him a quick peck on the cheek.

“I wouldn’t know,” Yunho said and stuck his tongue out at the couple.

Junsu giggled. “One day.”

Yunho shook his head. His eyes met Jaejoong’s as he approached the bed. Then Jae’s eyes dropped to the towel, and he again hastily looked away. It definitely didn’t appear that Jae was going to have a problem sleeping next to him. He might enjoy it too much.

 _So will you,_ a tiny voice reminded him.

With jerky movements, Yunho quickly dressed in boxers and sweats. He was used to the stares of his fellow roommates, but Jae was making him nervous. When he finally turned to the bed, Jae was laying on the far side, his back to him. Yunho sighed. He’d have to start the conversation again.

He sat on the bed, plopped pillows behind him and plopped up against the wall.

“So, Jaejoong, where are you from?”

He thought he was going to be ignored, but then Jae softly whispered, “Seoul.”

“And what brings you here?”

Jaejoong flung himself on his back. He kept his eyes to the slanted ceiling. Again, he bent one leg at the knee and waved it in the air. “I’d really rather not talk about it.”

“Okay.”

Yunho looked at the hand lying across Jaejoong’s chest. It was a beautiful hand. The nails were shiny and even. It looked soft. More suited to caressing things than doing manual labor. Yunho’s curiosity was definitely piqued. He could tell Jae had come from some affluent lifestyle. Even his toes were delicate and well pampered. He watched those toes for awhile. Watched as they clenched and unclenched the thin sheet.

“Um, no offense,” he said, “but you don’t look like you’re going to be able to handle it here.”

Those brown eyes finally looked at him. And narrowed.

“It’s just that, you know, this is tough work, and your hands are—it’s just that—”

One side of Jae’s mouth curled up in a smile.

Yunho licked his lips. Why was this guy making him so unsteady?

“I’ll be alright,” he whispered.

“Do you have, like, work boots and stuff? I mean, penny loafers aren’t going to cut it.”

Jaejoong frowned. “No, but I’ll get some when I can.”

“What size shoe are you?”

“Eleven.”

“I wear a ten, but I’m sure someone will lend you a pair. YooSu!”

Yunho jumped up before Jaejoong could protest. He needed to get away from him, put some distance between them. It was way too hot in this attic.

“Hey, you got an extra pair of boots the new guy can use? He says he’s an eleven.”

Yoochun smiled. “You know what they say about men with big shoes.”

“Shove it, Chunnie. Just help him out okay. It doesn’t seem he belongs in a place like this.”

“Sure.” Yoochun pried Junsu off him and rummaged around his chest. He ignored Yunho’s outstretched hands requesting the boots. “If he’s going to wear my boots, I’m going to go talk to him.”

Yunho watched him walk over, and then scowled when Yoochun and Jaejoong shook hands. He hadn’t gotten to touch him yet.

Junsu giggled. “Another notch on your belt, Yunnie?”

“I don’t have notches.”

“Fine then. Another man you’ll fall hopelessly in love with and spend the rest of your life together. Oh, right. You don’t have one of those either.”

Yunho pulled his eyes away from the very beautiful face and looked behind him at Junsu. He wanted to be angry that Junsu knew him so well, but he couldn’t.

Yunho sighed. “He’s just so different.”

“And beautiful.”

“Yeah, he’s beautiful.”

“Especially compared to everyone else.”

Yunho stifled a laugh. While many of their roommates were good looking, it was more in that tough, man sort of way. Jaejoong’s face was soft, flawless. Yunho wondered how long it would take working here for him to be hardened like the rest of them.

Yoochun’s laughter drifted over to them, and Yunho spun back to watch them. And he couldn’t breathe. Jaejoong was smiling. It lit his whole face up. Again, perfect white teeth to go with the rest of the perfection. His brown hair fell around his cheeks, and he used a pale hand to brush it back.

Suddenly, he looked over. Yunho wanted to look away, but couldn’t. Jae’s smile fell just a little bit. Yoochun looked over at him too, and then shook his head. He said something that made Jaejoong break eye contact and laugh. A slight pink tinge covered his cheeks. Yoochun stood, slapped Jae on the back and then walked back toward them.

“What did you say that made him laugh?” Yunho demanded in a harsh whisper.

“Relax,” Yoochun said as he rearranged himself around Junsu. “Nothing bad. I just told him you liked to be tied up.”

Junsu’s giggles echoed around the room.


	3. Jaejoong's New Life

**JAEJOONG**

Hot summer sun beat down on Jaejoong’s back as he bent over another row of green stalks. He could feel the burn forming. Yunho had lent him a pair of work gloves, but he could still feel the skin of his hands stretching and peeling. They stung. But he wouldn’t give up. Not after some jerk named Kangin had called him a pretty boy in front of everyone at breakfast.

Despite sharing the bed with Yunho, Jaejoong did his best to steer clear of him. He attached himself to Yoochun and Junsu during breakfast. He wasn’t sure why, but Yunho made him nervous. The man was gorgeous, with a body carved like a Michelangelo sculpture. Only his friend Siwon had better muscles. His brown hair was short and spiky. Jae thought it was cute, but until this morning, he didn’t think he’d ever want short hair. He pushed his sweat dripped hair away from his face again.

Jae hadn’t slept well. He was pretty sure that Yunho hadn’t either. It had been odd sleeping on such a small bed with another person. Every time their arms or feet or legs touched, one of them would jerk away. That man’s body was like an oven. He could feel the heat coming off it all night long. After thanking Yunho for the gloves this morning, conversation was non-existent.

Suddenly a loud siren blew across the field.

“Finally!” Yoochun shouted and stood up and stretched.

Jae did the same. “What’s that?”

“Break time. An hour for lunch or a nap or whatever you want.”

Junsu was suddenly there. “And you know what I want.”

Yoochun grinned, and the two ran off. Jae smiled after them.

“Hey.”

Jae gasped and whirled around. “Damn it, Yunho. You scared me.”

“Sorry. We’re all breaking for lunch, well.” His eyes looked beyond Jae to where YooSu had run off to. “Most of us are breaking for lunch.”

Jaejoong nodded.

Yunho turned, and Jae fell in step beside him. The walk to the house was quiet, until Yunho cleared his throat. “Are you doing okay?”

“Yeah. It’s hard work, but, well, it feels good to finally know that I’m earning the money that will be in my pocket.”

Another silence.

“Thanks for the gloves,” Jae said. “They saved my hands from being in even worse condition.”

Jae peeled the gloves off carefully. And then wish he hadn’t. He had at least three blisters on each hand.

Yunho gasped. “You should talk to Jonghyun. He’ll let you have the day off—”

“No,” Jae said quickly. “I knew it was going to be hard. I’m not going to wimp out.”

“But Jae.”

“Just drop it.” Jae curled his hands up and winced. He walked faster, leaving Yunho behind him.

The other six men were already sitting at the table digging into rice and noodles. There was an empty seat between two men he hadn’t met yet, and he quickly took it.

The man on his right smiled. With a mouth full of food, he said, “Hi, Jaejoong. I’m Changmin.”

Jae said hello.

“Man, you pick a hell of a day to start working. It’s the hottest out there that it’s ever been. You seem to be doing alright.”

“For a nancy boy,” Kangin said from across the table.

Changmin waved his hand at him to shut him up. “Don’t pay attention to him. Really. You’re working hard. Usually the newbies get left behind, but the foreman hasn’t had to yell at you once.”

Jae let the man yammer on. He was very careful with the chopsticks. One tiny slip and they brushed against his blisters.

“Isn’t she pretty?”

Jae looked down at the picture in Chagmin’s hand. A girl stared back at him, a sweet smile on her face. Curly hair framed her cheeks.

“Yeah, she’s pretty,” he replied.

Changmin sighed. “My Sahar. Anyway. As soon as her father thinks I’ve proven myself, I’ll marry her. I’ve been here for about six months. We write letters every week.”

Jae really tried to listen, but in the corner of his eye, just past the man next to him, he could barely see Yunho.

“That’s Hangeng next to you. He’s Chinese.”

Jae turned and said hello and introduced himself to the man in Chinese. At his shocked expression, Jae continued in a broken accent to say that he only spoke a little bit.

“I only speak Korean little,” he replied.

“He’s better than he lets on. He seems to forget Korean whenever we ask him to do something he doesn’t want to do.”

Jaejoong laughed. Hangeng shook his head and smiled.

Changmin pointed across the table to two guys that were sitting awfully close to each other. “That’s Kyuhyun and Sungmin. They’re more lovey dovey than YooSu.”

Sungmin stuck his tongue out at him, but Kyuhyun shot him a smile. He said hello, his voice soft and deep. Sungmin took a load of food and they proceeded to feed each other.

“The quiet one at the end of the table is Kibum. He doesn’t say much, but he works hard.”

Jae leaned forward to get a look at the man, and suddenly there were Yunho’s eyes, worried again. Jae scowled and looked away. What? Was he some little kid that had to be looked after? He wasn’t helpless. Sure, he’d never done menial labor before, but that didn’t mean that he couldn’t.

“Give him a break,” Changmin whispered next to him. “Yunho’s been here the longest. He’s always a bit worried about the new guys.”

“I’m not a fucking child,” Jae muttered.

“He’s really nice. I noticed that you’re not talking to him much. That’s going to make him even more worried about you.”

“It’d help if he stopped undressing me with his eyes.”

Changmin laughed. “I’ve seen you do the same to him.”

Jae blushed and concentrated on his noodles.

As soon as lunch was over, he followed the crowd outside. He thought about what Changmin said, and with a sigh, sped up a bit and managed to get in the same area as Yunho. Unfortunately, Kangin was there too.

“You know those designer jeans look awesome against the brown dirt,” Kangin said. “How much did those cost? Two, three hundred dollars? That’s more than you’ll make a month working here. Even less if you keep dragging your ass, like the rich, stuck up, brat you are.”

“Kangin!” Yunho shouted.

“Ooh, sorry, Yunnie. Didn’t mean to upset your boyfriend.”

When Yunho opened his mouth again, Jae snapped, “Just leave it, Yunho. If he wants to be a jerk, I’m not going to stop him from acting like a Neanderthal. Oh, that means an uneducated, caveman, Kangin. Just in case you didn’t know.”

“I know what a Neanderthal is.”

“Congratulations. What else can I teach you today?”

“You arrogant—”

The next words were lost in a rush of feet on dirt. Jae had just enough time to duck as Kangin swung above him. Jae shoved his shoulder into Kangin’s body and used the other man’s momentum to toss him. Kangin wasn’t on the ground long, but up again for a charge. Jae grabbed his arm, wrenched it behind his back and then kicked Kangin’s legs from under him. Kangin pulled Jae down with him. They rolled on the ground, with the bigger man ending up on top. Jae took a fist in the face, and then locked his arms with Kangin’s. He pushed up and over, and managed to get Kangin off him, but another fist made contact with his side. Jae slipped away. Kangin stayed back, hands up to his face and he was dancing around.

“Come on, pretty boy. Give me what you got.”

“I didn’t realize you swung that way, but sorry, you’re not my type.”

The insult worked and Kangin came forward. Jae waited, loose, then raised his arms at the last moment. A quick swivel and a kick he thought he’d forgotten brought one of Yoochun’s boots in direct contact with Kangin’s face. Blood splattered from his nose.

The foreman’s voice shouted above them. “Alright! That’s enough! New guy! Penalty for fighting is missing the rest of the day. Get out of here now. Everyone else get back to work.”

Jae suddenly realized that a circle had surrounded them. He met Yunho’s eyes. He was smiling. Hangeng clapped him on the shoulder. “Nice kick. Brought him down. We work together. I teach you more kicks.”

Jae nodded, smiling. “Okay, sounds good,” he said in Chinese.

“Jaejoong! Leave, now!”

As Jae left the field, the other guys congratulated him. Kangin was nursing his face at the water pump. Based on the look shot his way, Jae knew this wasn’t over


	4. Yunho's Sanctuary

**YUNHO**

Yunho was the last one in the dining room that night. As he looked over the table, he couldn’t help but smile. The only empty seat was next to Jaejoong. Jae was talking to Changmin. Or really listening to Changmin talk about his girlfriend. He sat down, purposely brushing his arm against Jae’s shoulder.

Jae jerked a bit, and then said, “Hey.”

“Hey.”

And that’s all they said as they ate dinner. There was a bruise on Jae’s cheek, and his hands were wrapped in gauze, but otherwise, he still looked perfect. He wore a bright blue button down shirt and khaki pants. Yunho finished dinner first, eager to get in the shower. His heart sped up when he heard soft footfalls on the stairs behind him. Yunho sat to remove his boots, and the bed dipped behind him. He couldn’t think of anything to say.

Finally, Yunho settled with, “That was a nice kick you landed on Kangin’s face.”

Jae chuckled. “I took defense classes when I was younger.”

“Just be careful. If you fight outside it’s alright, but if you fight inside or up here, it’s an automatic expulsion.”

“Yeah, Yoochun told me that. Look, I know you’re worried about me, but I’m doing alright. Changmin says not to take it personally, that you have this overprotective vibe with everybody, what with you being the leader and all.”

“I’m not the leader.”

“To everyone else you are. They all look up to you and admire you.”

Silence fell again. Yunho took the opportunity to head to the bathroom. After another cold shower, he decided he was going to have to go to the river tomorrow.  
He spent another restless night fighting the urge to curl against Jaejoong. At least Jae got some sleep. Yunho would have been surprised if he hadn’t. All that hard work, plus the fight with Kangin, would have tired any one out.

The day was better, too. Jae plopped himself next to Yunho at breakfast, worked hard next to him all day, and then again sat beside him at lunch. They didn’t talk much, well, Jae didn’t, but Yunho blabbered about some of the other guys and some who no longer worked here. Jae even laughed at his jokes.

When the final bell rang, Yunho headed toward the river.

“Yunho!”

He turned to Jae.

“Where are you going?”

“Just need to be alone for a little bit. I’ll be back soon.”

“Oh.” Jae bit his lip. “Okay. I’ll see you.” He went back toward the house. Hangeng threw his arm around his shoulders, and they both laughed. Yunho’s eyes fell on YooSu. They were grinning. Yoochun made some obscene jerking motions with his hand. Yunho flipped him off.  
He really couldn’t help it. Jae was too gorgeous, and he really needed to get some sleep. He walked toward his bend in the river. So it wasn’t “his” but to his knowledge, no one else knew about it. A copse of weeping willows grew right along the edge of the river, and the trail twisted around them. What most didn’t know was what lay beyond the branches. Yunho took his boots and socks off and rolled up his pant legs. He pushed the branches out of his way and waded through calf deep water. Below the awning of tree branches was a strip of grass and a deep pool. Yunho wasted no time stripping down and jumping into the pool. He floated on his back and thought about Jae.

He hadn’t been nervous around a guy like this for a long time. But then again, he’d also never met anyone like Jae before. He definitely wanted to find out about his past. A spoiled rich kid never willingly came to a place like this. Yunho wanted to run his hands through that hair. Touch those flawless cheeks. Memorize the curve of every toned muscle. Broad shoulders, narrow hips. Yunho shivered in the cold water. Might as well do what he came to do. He climbed out and lay on the grass. Blue sky peaked out from the tree branches. All it took was remembering Jae’s smile and the feel of his cool skin brushing up against him in the night.

How long would he have to keep his hands to himself? He knew Jae looked at him. Watched him, but when would the awkwardness go away?

As the sky turned darker, Yunho sighed and got up. He took another quick dip to clean himself up, and then threw on his jeans and boots. He carried the rest of his clothes with him.

A few of the guys were sitting on the porch smoking cigarettes. Dinner was done, but Yunho grabbed some cold beans and rice before heading up to bed.

When his eyes fell on Jae, he thought that he should have jerked off twice. The man was shirtless, sitting cross-legged on the bed, reading something. He was angled in a way that Yunho saw just the expanse of his back and a side, and a slight profile. The previously pale skin was red from the sun. A strip of white teased him at the top of Jae’s pants. Yunho’s feet stuck to the floor in the doorway, until Yoochun stood and grabbed him.

“Seriously, stop staring,” Yoochun whispered.

Yunho brushed him off and headed to the bed.

Jae looked up and smiled. “You went swimming?”

“One of the few things to do around here,” Yunho said as he changed his clothes.

“Entertainment is limited,” Jae said.

Yunho sat down and then reach around Jae for a pillow. He wished he hadn’t. A subtle whiff of cologne assailed him, and he shut his eyes and fought for control.

“You alright?” Jae whispered.

“Yeah, just tired. I’m not used to sharing my bed.”

“I’m not a bad bedmate,” he protested. And then he blushed. “I mean, I don’t move around a lot like you do.”

Yunho couldn’t look at him as he lay on his side, facing away. “No, you don’t.”

Jae didn’t say anything, but shifted around. His foot ended up resting against Yunho’s lower back. Yunho didn’t move away. Yunho was dozing when the lights were finally turned out and Jae settled in beside him. Was he closer than before? Yunho couldn’t tell, so he turned to his back. His arm immediately brushed against Jae’s shoulder. Jae didn’t move away.  
Definitely closer. He definitely should have jerked off twice.

Two weeks later, the awkwardness was still there. Not as bad, but Yunho was running out of things to talk to Jae about. As long as Yunho didn’t ask about his previous life, Jae didn’t mind talking. He knew a lot of stuff about a lot of things. He was smart, and witty, and funny, and man, when he smiled, Yunho forgot what they were talking about. He worked hard, twice as hard as some of the others, and he quickly earned all their respect. Except for Kangin, but beyond throwing the occasional insult Jae’s way, he didn’t try to pick a fight with him again.

That Sunday, as breakfast settled to a close, the foreman came in with a stack of letters. “Mail call,” he said. “Changmin.”

Changmin jumped up and snatched the letter from his hands. His footsteps pounded up the stairs.

Yunho met Jae’s eyes and they both grinned.

“Jaejoong.”

His smile fell. The foreman held out a letter. Jae stared at it, but didn’t reach for it.

Yunho took it. Jae had never gotten mail. Before Yunho could say anything, Jae ripped it from his hand and rushed outside. When he got up to follow, Junsu put a hand on his arm, “Leave him be. He’ll come to you if he needs you.”

Yunho swallowed and sat back down. He couldn’t relax for the rest of the morning. When Jae didn’t show up for lunch, and no one seemed to know where he was, Yunho went looking for him. He grabbed a plate, filled it with black bean noodles and meat. He didn’t have to go far. Jae was sitting on the far side of the barn, the letter open in his lap. He stiffened at the approaching footsteps, but visibly relaxed when he opened his eyes and saw Yunho.

“I brought you some lunch,” Yunho whispered.

Jae grinned a bit. “Thanks.” He didn’t reach for it. “Well, sit down.”

Yunho did quickly. Jae grabbed the chopsticks. He scooted close, bending a leg over Yunho’s but not touching. Yunho watched him eat. Watched that tongue dart out to grab loose noodles. Watched them disappear with a smack. Yunho had to settle the shaking plate on his knee. Jae cleared the plate and then moved to lean against the barn. Their legs touched, but neither moved away.

The letter had fallen to the ground. Yunho couldn’t stop looking at it.

Jae picked it up and thrust it at him.

“No, I—”

“Just read it.”

With shaky hands, he read it.

_Jaejoong,  
Your choice of employment and boarding is unacceptable to one of your status. Your wedding plans have been finalized, and I expect you to be ready to come home next Sunday when Ferdinand arrives to retrieve you. I will forgive this blatant disrespect as a typical act of rebellion, but you will conform and behave as you were raised. Do not fail me again.  
Kim Yoojoong  
_

Yunho read it twice and then handed it back. Jae’s fist crumpled around it.

“Are you going back?” Yunho asked.

Jae scoffed. “Fuck no.”

There was silence and then Jae said, “I’m surprised it took him this long to find me.”  
Silence. Yunho held his breath. Jae was going to be forced to marry someone. His father’s tone was one of someone used to getting what he wanted.

“God, what an asshole,” Jae said and punched the barn wall above his head.

“Fathers can be like that.”

“Not him. Heechul.”

Yunho waited, but nothing else came out. “Who’s Heechul?” he finally asked.

“The jerk of the century.” Jae rose quickly and started to walk away.

“Jae, wait,” Yunho said and grabbed his hand. He let Jae snatch it away, but Jae stopped walking. “Come with me.” He turned. He didn’t breathe until he heard Jae’s footsteps behind him. He led him to the copse of trees, but when he took off his shoes and socks, Jae’s disdainful voice said, “We’re going wading?”

“Just come on,” Yunho said.

Jae huffed but kicked off the slippers he’d been wearing. With shaking hands, Yunho led the way through the tree branches. When they broke through, Jae stopped and stared.

“This is where I come when I need to get away from everyone else. Not even YooSu knows about it.”

“It’s pretty,” Jae muttered. He climbed on the bank and sat beside Yunho. They watched a leaf flow around the current of the pool before being swept down the river.

“Heechul was my best friend,” Jae said suddenly. “Childhood playmate, partner in crime, lover.” He glanced at Yunho quickly and then looked away. Yunho bit down on his question, and waited. Jae lay down, staring up at the canopy.

“About a month ago, my father told me that I would be marrying Park Soonya. She’s one of my childhood friends, but I don’t love her like that, and I’m definitely not attracted to women. I refused my father’s wishes. Heechul said I was crazy, that even after we were married that we’d still be able to be together, but I didn’t want to live my life like that. He laughed at me when I told him we should just run away from it all. The next week, after again refusing to listen to my father, he disowned me and kicked me out. After a couple of nights alone, a waiter down at the café in town told me about this place, so I came up here.”

“So if he disowned you, why is he writing to tell you you’re coming home?”

“I’m not going home.”

“I know that, but he seems to think that you’ll obey him.”

Jae nodded. “I’ve always obeyed him. This is the only time I’ve fought against him. Since he knows I’m here, he probably thinks I’m miserable. Shit, Yunho, the food I used to eat for one meal costs more than I make here in a week. But I’m not going to be forced to marry some girl because it increases my status or my bank account. Heechul wasn’t nearly so selfless. Stupid bastard.”

“I’ll agree to the stupid part.”

Jae looked up at him sharply.

Yunho swallowed, but managed to hold eye contact. “He let you get away, didn’t he? What more do I need to know?”

Jae smiled a bit, and then stood up quickly. “So are we going swimming or what?” He stripped off his shirt. Yunho couldn’t tear his eyes away from those hands as they unclasped the trousers, hooked into the waistband of boxers and divested Jae of clothes. He walked to the edge of the pool. He looked back, smirked and then jumped in.

Yunho didn’t dare stand up.

“Come and swim,” Jae called from the far side.

Yunho shook his head.

“Chicken.”

 _Get a hold of yourself._ He pulled the shirt off, and then stood and turned around to pull off the rest of his clothes.

“Come on, Yunnie,” Jae said, using the nickname for the first time. “It’s not like I haven’t seen it before.”

 _You haven’t seen it hard,_ Yunho thought.

“Fine, I won’t look.” The water rippled. Yunho peaked over his shoulder. Jae had his back turned.

He moved quickly and jumped in. The cold water did its job, but he wondered for how long as Jae glided toward him. The pool at its deepest was only five feet, easy for both to reach the bottom, but Jae grabbed his arm and treaded water.

“You’re incredibly darling when you’re nervous,” Jae said with a grin, and then pushed off and swam the other way. The pale skin of his ass teased Yunho’s eyes from just under the water line.

“I’m not nervous,” Yunho sputtered.

Jae laughed. “Of course not.” He floated on his back. He pulled one hand out of the water and gave Yunho the _come here_ finger. “Float with me.”

Yunho did as he was told. Jae hooked their arms together, and they drifted with the current around the pool. He did not look at their bodies. He looked up, at the sky through the trees. Not past the tan line at Jae’s waist. Not at the way their legs rubbed up against each other.

“You relaxed yet?” Jae asked.

“I guess.”

“Good.” He moved, pushed Yunho’s head under the water, and then clung on to him, laughing as Yunho sputtered and wiped at his face. It wasn’t until he could see and breathe straight that he realized he had a very naked Jaejoong wrapped around his body. His legs were loose around his waist with his forearms just resting on his shoulders. Yunho knew it was an invitation to push him away.

So he did. And under. He laughed at the shocked look on Jae’s face just before he sputtered to the surface. While he recovered, Yunho held him.

“You deserved that,” Yunho said.

“Probably.”

He tightened his arms, pulling Jae closer to him. Jae wrapped his arms around Yunho’s shoulders. They both shuddered when their chests touched. They stared at each other, moving lazily in the water. When Jae bit his lip, Yunho had to look away.

“So,” Yunho started.

Jae laughed and cut him off. “You always talk too much when you’re uncertain. Is it so bad to sit here in silence?”

“Well, I was going to say that I think you’re incredibly beautiful, but now I guess I can’t.”

“While that is true, there’s really no need to spoil the moment by pointing it out. This would be one of those ‘actions speak louder than words’ moments.”

“Right.” Yunho still couldn’t look at him.

“Guess it’s my move then,” Jae muttered. Before Yunho could do anything else, including think, Jae rearranged his body, lowering his legs and wrapping them around Yunho’s knees. It knocked Yunho off balance. He tightened his hold around Jae’s middle and brought one hand up, around his neck and into his hair, just barely keeping them above water. Their entire bodies touched. Yunho groaned, and it was immediately echoed by Jae. The cold water’s power was waning.

“God, Yunho, just kiss me already,” Jae said, hot breath ghosting down Yunho’s neck.

Yunho didn’t need any more encouragement. He tilted his head back, cheeks sliding against each other, until their lips touched. Yunho’s lips shook. Jae whimpered, and then a tongue flicked out and Yunho opened his mouth to the kiss. Jae moved his arms under the water, grabbed Yunho’s hips and locked their bodies together. Yunho broke away with a hiss. Jae kissed down the proffered neck, down the collar bone and shoulders, steadily increasing the pressure from his hands in tiny thrusts. Yunho disrupted the rhythm by picking Jae up by the ass. Jae’s legs wrapped around him tightly. Their lips crashed together again as Yunho settled them into a new, faster cadence of sliding and moaning and kissing. The lapping water and heady groans were broken when Jae stilled. He flung his upper body away, putting more pressure on the lower half and shook out his release in steady pants. That beautiful face was flush, mouth open, gasping, long eyelashes quivering over closed eyes.

“Absolutely beautiful,” he muttered, then pulled Jae back, buried his face into his neck and sped up. Jae’s hands wrapped in his hair, harsh breaths in his ear. Yunho dug his teeth into Jae’s shoulder and came in shuddering gasps around the flesh in his mouth.

“Next time, not in the water,” Jae muttered.

Yunho tried to laugh, but it just came out in gasps. Jae’s hands cupped his face and their lips met in lazy, soft kisses. They were once again moving slowly around the pool. Yunho broke away and stared at Jae. His large, brown eyes, soft yet defined cheeks. Lips red from kissing. A breeze rustled the branches around them, tossing Jae’s half wet hair into his face. Yunho reached up and brushed it back. They kissed again, until Jae shivered. Yunho pulled him closer and then made his way to the bank.

Yunho sacrificed his shirt to dry the other man off, rubbing his arms and legs and back free from the water. He tossed the shirt over Jae’s head and scrubbed his hair. Jae grabbed the shirt and repeated the process over Yunho’s body.

“I’m already dry,” he protested as the shirt and Jae’s hands groped him.

“Oh, so you’re the only one that gets to have all the fun? Is it too soon for a repeat?”

Yunho made a noise of disbelief. Definitely not too soon, just …

Jae smirked at him, shirt dropping to the ground, leaving his hands to do the drying. Yunho shivered, pulled Jae to him, and kissed him. Soon they were on the grass, hands and mouths exploring curves of muscles and expanses of skin.

Jae was ticklish at that dip in his hip, and made the most agonizing noises when it was licked. The noises turned to cries of frustration when Yunho ran his tongue up the length of him. And then the cries turned to incensed moans when Yunho engulfed him and pushed him down his throat.

Jae’s body arched, hands coming to rest on the back of Yunho’s head. With an agonized cry of, “God,” Jae jerked up into Yunho’s throat. Yunho swallowed what was given, and then kissed and bit up Jae’s shuddering body to his lips.

In a move equivalent in his fight with Kangin, Jaejoong threw him away and was suddenly on top of him.

“Do you think they’ll notice if we never go back and stay here and fuck each other for the rest of our lives?”

Yunho grinned. “Probably. But we’re not very well equipped for that.”

Jae’s eyes shut in pleasure. “A few more rounds then.”

“Sounds good,” Yunho said and thrust his hips against him. Jae shuddered, pushed his hands against Yunho’s chest and dropped to Yunho’s lap to return the favor.


	5. Jaejoong's Past

**JAEJOONG**

_Jaejoong ran a towel through his wet hair. He dressed simply in jeans and a t-shirt. Yunho’s favorite. The pale green one with the English words, BITE ME. Yunho used to open his mouth and bite Jae’s chest through the shirt, following the letters. Most of the time until the shirt was soaked with sweat and saliva, followed shortly by come.  
Jae shivered.  
He had to focus. How was he supposed to work when all he could think about was Yunho?_

_2 ½ years earlier …_

Jaejoong crunched his way across the yard to the far side of the barn. He pulled his jacket tighter around him as snow blew into his face. With the growing season over, there wasn’t a whole lot to do on the farm. They were left to their own devices after the animals were taken care of, and the snow removed from the sidewalks and driveways.  
Some of the guys had moved on to different work that paid more. Jae really missed Hangeng and KyuMin, but no Kangin around was a blessing. The jack ass kept belittling him and trying to pick fights. Changmin was set to leave in a month, his wedding to His Sahar a week after that. Besides him, Yunho and YooSu, only Kibum was left, but that kid barely said anything, so it was like he wasn’t even there.

Jae made sure he hadn’t been followed, and then slipped his iPod from his pocket. He stuck in the earbuds, turned the music up and leaned against the barn door. He sighed. It had been hard keeping this small luxury hidden. Even Yunho didn’t know about it. With all the extra energy, Jae had been coming out here every day to dance.

The beat soon grabbed his feet, and he pushed off the wall, spinning, popping and sliding across the snow. Man, he loved to dance. Yet another thing his father had allowed to be done for fun, but for nothing else. They had been great together. Him, Heechul, Siwon, Donghae and Eunhyuk. They used to memorize popular dance routines, and then play the song and choreograph their own. Their musical sides were crushed as soon as Jae’s father found out that he had been writing music. No son of his was going to be in the entertainment industry.

When the next song started, Jae picked up the pace. He could dance to this song on automatic. It had been the first dance they had all learned. After a spin and a hip thrust, Jae dropped to the snow, catching his breath in the ten seconds he had while the others were supposed to be dancing. He stood up, caught movement in the corner of his eye and spun around.

Yunho was leaning against the barn, smiling. His lips moved.

Jae ripped out an earbud. “What?”

“I told you not to stop. Where the hell did you learn to dance like that?”

“I took dance lessons, and then the guys and I used to play around.”

“You’re really good.”

“I’m alright. Donghae and Eunhyuk were the best.”

Jae looked away. Still after all this time it hurt to talk about his friends. He tried to push it all down, but he did really miss them.

Yunho pulled him into a hug. “I know you hate to think of them and I hate to be the one to tell you this, but one of them is here to see you.”

Jae yanked away. “What do you mean?”

“Some guy. Says he’s looking for you.”

Jae’s eyes widened and he shook his head. “How do you know he’s—”

Yunho grinned. “Gorgeous, first of all. Perfect skin, tailor made trousers and wool coat. An incredible hair cut and brown eyes bigger than yours. Of course, there was also the utter look of distaste on his face when he demanded that someone fetch you.”

Jae shut his eyes and groaned. “Heechul. I really, really can’t face him yet.”

“Hey, who said you were going to alone? Come on. We’ll put him in his place.”

Yunho grabbed his hand and pulled him along. Just before coming around the side of the house, Jae stopped. He straightened his clothes, ran hands through his short hair, and then turned to Yunho.

“Yes, you look fine,” Yunho said with a quick kiss on his cheek. “Although—” Yunho unbuttoned Jae’s coat. “Then put your hands in your pockets, so the coat stays open.”

“Are you insane? I’ll freeze.”

“Just do it long enough that he can see what a fantastic body you have now. And the fact that you’re wearing my favorite t-shirt helps.”

“Yunnie, you’re mean. I’m going to die of hypothermia or something.”

“You’ll be fine. Come on.”

They moved the last few steps. Jae would have stopped walking if Yunho hadn’t been there. Still his feet faltered a moment and that made enough noise that Heechul turned to them.

Gorgeous was right. His hair was shorter, no where near long enough to satisfyingly run fingers through it. But his skin was flawless. Someone had brought him a cup of tea, and perfectly manicured hands cradled it close to his face. Those big brown eyes looked him up and down.

“Jae,” he breathed with his little half smile that Jae used to love so much.

“Heechul.” Jae hoped there wasn’t anything more than acknowledgement in that.

Jae couldn’t bring himself to get closer. Heechul’s eyes roved down his body again.  
Yunho cleared his throat.

“Ah, yes,” Heechul said. “The overprotective boyfriend.”

“More than you ever were,” Jae snapped.

An eyebrow rose. “He would have been nothing more than a servant to you before.”

“Sort of like how I was nothing but a servant to you?”

Heechul sighed. “That’s not fair. Damn it, Jae, I didn’t come here to fight with you.”

“Then why the fuck are you here? I could have gone my whole life very happily without ever seeing you again.”

Heechul smirked again and looked around. “Happily? In this hell hole? Sure.”

Jae shut his eyes and took a deep breath. Yunho squeezed his hand. “What do you want, Hee?”

“I want you to come home.”

“I am home.”

“Eunhae and Siwon want you to come home. We all miss you.”

“Yes, well, as much as I miss the guys, going back to that lifestyle isn’t worth it.”

“Worth it? Are you kidding? You’re living in squalor.”

“To you, maybe. But I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach and pride in my heart.”

He smirked again. “Pride? You’re proud of living like this?”

Jae let go of Yunho’s hand and stalked forward. “Yes, I am. I work for what I have. Do you know what that’s like? How good it feels to know that you’ve earned what you have? That even if it isn’t a Dolce and Gabana, you’ve earned the coat on your back because you paid for it with money that you worked for? Life is more than just having money in a bank account, Heechul. It’s about respect. I respect the men that work and live here. They weren’t given everything they wanted. If they want something, they work for it. They earn it. I respect myself here. I wouldn’t have if I had stayed home and married Soonya.”

“My money and my name give me all the respect I need.”

“Not here, they don’t. Don’t ever come back.” Jae turned his back on him, and he was halfway up the stairs before Heechul called out.

“Your mother is dying.”

Jae froze and turned around.

“That’s really why I came up here. She knew that I knew where you were. Your father would never allow it, but I promised her that I would come and tell you.”

Heechul reached into his coat and pulled out an envelope. “She wrote you a letter.”

Jae stomped down the stairs and snatched the letter from his hands. He ripped it open.

_My dearest JaeJoong.  
Know that from a mother’s view, I never wished any harm to you. My only baby. How could I? I’d like to see you again, to apologize for not being more involved with your life. I am very proud of you. Please see it in your heart to forgive me.  
All my love.  
Mother_

Tears slid down Jae’s cheeks. He looked back at Heechul.

“I’m sorry I got mad,” Heechul whispered, “but you walked over here, looking like sex on legs, with him next to you, holding his hand, and it just pissed me off. I really didn’t mean to come here and fight with you.”

“Easier to belittle than deal with your own feelings,” Jae muttered.

“I’ve always loved you,” Heechul said, even more quietly. “You’re so beautiful, even dressed in those rags. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I miss you.”

Jae jerked back from Heechul’s reaching hand. “But not enough to give up what you think is important. Money, prestige. That means crap to me, Heechul. I’m not going back.”

“Not even to see your mother? Your father is going to Beijing on Sunday. He’ll be gone for two weeks.”

Jae spared those big brown eyes one more look and then turned and headed back to the house. He grabbed Yunho’s hand, pulled him inside and slammed the door. Jae shut his eyes, leaned against Yunho’s strong body and cried.

“What’s wrong?” Yoochun asked. Another pair of arms wrapped around him as Yunho told him about Jae’s mother. Junsu wasn’t far behind, whispering reassurances at him. His tears calmed, but none of them moved away.

Suddenly the whole group stumbled to the left as another body joined them.

“Changmin,” YooSu admonished.

“Sorry,” he said, “but I wanted to be part of the group hug, too.”

Jae managed to laugh.

“You’re always welcome, Minnie,” Junsu said.

The five of them stood in the hallway until Kibum’s deep voice said, “I can handle the coupling, but I draw the line at orgies.”

YooSu laughed as Changmin broke away with a sputter. “No, it’s jus—”

“He was kidding, Minnie,” Yoochun said.

Jae pulled away from Yunho a bit.

Junsu touched his cheek. “You okay, Joongie?”

“No, I’m going to go lay down.”

By the end of the week, nothing any of them had said could bring Jae from his thoughts. He felt bad for ignoring them, especially Yunho, but he couldn’t help it. He didn’t want to talk about anything, let alone think about it.

Heechul’s ssukso continued to plague his dreams. He knew now that his relationship with Heechul hadn’t been healthy. He still loved the man, and just the thought of him made his throat close up. But Heechul did nothing but use him. Jae was sure that in some way, Heechul did love him, but Jae never really understood how much fun and pleasurable sex could be without pain. Yunho showed him that. Showed him that sex didn’t have to hurt. That it could be fun.

After another lunch of barely eating anything, Jae went out to the barn with his iPod. He didn’t dance, but leaned his head back, eyes closed listening to the music thrumming through his body. He jerked when hands cupped his face and lips pressed against his. He pulled out of Yunho’s embrace, smiled an apology and turned toward the house. Yunho grabbed him, pinned him to the barn and yanked out an earbud.

“I have something for you,” he said, and reached into his coat.

Jae took the offered paper. A train ticket. To Seoul. He looked up in question.

“I know you won’t go without a push,” Yunho said, “so here’s your push.”

“Yunnie, I’m not going.”

“So you’re going to let me wander around Seoul all by myself?”

Jae’s eyes widened when Yunho pulled out another ticket.

“I’m going. Tomorrow morning. Are you coming with me?”

Jae sighed. “I hate it when you do shit like this.”

“I know.”

Yunho’s hands settled on Jae’s hips and his breath hitched. Four days wasn’t a long time, but four days without being touched by Yunho was. He pulled Yunho to him, whispered thanks against his lips and proceeded to plunder his mouth.

“I can’t wait until spring, so we can go back to the river,” Jae muttered.

Yunho laughed. “Well, I know for a fact that YooSu took the horses out for a ride, and Kibum is reading in the living room.”

Jae’s eyebrows rose. “Really?”

Yunho nodded.

“Then why are we standing in the cold, pressed up against the barn?”

Jae pushed him away, grabbed his hand and they ran back to the house.


	6. Yunho's Culture Shock

**YUNHO**

_Yunho stomped through the hotel room. He pulled on navy blue boxer briefs. Jae’s favorite pair. The last time he’d worn these, Jae had got him off without even taking them off. Mouth against fabric.  
Yunho shuddered and continued dressing. Those tailored trousers, a green button up shirt and a sports jacket. It didn’t matter how nice he looked. Jae probably wouldn’t see him anyway._

_2 ½ years earlier ..._

Yunho could tell Jae was nervous. He’d begged Maesan to press his clothes for him, pulling out the khakis and button downs he hadn’t worn for months. And now he stood, navy boxers peaking from the open khakis, trying to decide what to wear. The last six months had done a number on Jae’s body. Toned arm muscles were now biceps and triceps. The muscles on his back stood out, especially when he was tense. And the firm stomach he had before was now an expanse of sculpted ridges and dips. His previous soft hands and feet were callused. And his hair was short against his scalp.

“Wear the blue shirt, Joongie,” Junsu said from across the room. “It looks best on you.”

Yoochun agreed quickly.

“It’s so last season, though,” Jae mumbled.

Yunho tried not to laugh, but he snorted and Jae flashed him a sheepish grin.

“Sorry,” Jae said, “but showing up in clothes more than six months out of fashion is not a good way to make an impression.”

“I thought that didn’t matter.”

“Yeah, neither did I.”

Jae slipped on the blue button down, fingers swiftly doing up the buttons.

Yunho didn’t have the luxury of being choosy. All he had was a pair of dark jeans and a collared polo shirt that rarely saw the light of day.

“Yunjae!” Kibum yelled from below. “Your taxi is here!”

“Shit,” Jae muttered and moved faster, tucking in the shirt and sliding into loafers at the same time. “This coat doesn’t match.”

Yunho did the only thing he could when his boyfriend freaked out. He grabbed their bag with one hand, grabbed Jae with the other one and tugged him to the door.

“You look fantastic,” Yunho said. “You can fix your hair on the train if you need to, but if I let you anywhere near the bathroom right now, we’ll miss our train.”

Jae let himself be pulled, but by the set of Jae’s mouth, Yunho knew he was going to hear about it later.

The ride to the station was quiet, but Jae’s nerves showed through in biting his lips and bouncing his leg. Yunho held his hand, knowing that it wasn’t enough comfort, but better than nothing. The train ride was even quieter. Jae put in his earbuds and leaned against the bench with eyes shut. Yunho left him alone. He was nervous, too. He looked at his reflection in the mirror and cringed. In a society where appearances meant everything, he was certainly lacking. He pulled on the collar of his shirt again.

Jae caught his hand. He tried to smile in reassurance, but there was a wild look in his eyes. “Tell me it will be alright.”

Yunho smiled. “It will be alright. Your father isn’t there.”

“But what if I can’t even get in? What if the guards won’t let me past? What if—”

“We’ll face that when it comes.”

“Fuck, Yunho, I’m so nervous.” Jae stood up, and started pacing.

Yunho watched him for a moment, and then said, “So am I.”

“I’m sorry, Yunnie. You shouldn’t have to come. You shouldn’t have had to force me into this.”

“Hey, I did it because it means a lot to you. You’d never forgive yourself if your mother died and you didn’t see her one last time.”

Yunho wished the words back as a stricken look crossed Jae’s features. He stood quickly, wrapped the other man in a hug. Jae buried his face in his neck. The train jerked, throwing them off balance. Yunho caught them against the window, and then settled them onto the bench.

Jae’s body shook.

“God, Jae, I’m sorry. That was insensitive.”

“But true,” he said between gasping breaths. He pushed himself up. His eyes widened in horror when he caught his reflection in the window. He dug through the bag, straightening with a small compact in his hand. Yunho stifled laughter as Jae scrutinized his reflection.

“I can’t believe you wouldn’t let me get to a mirror.”

“We would have missed our train.”

“I look like shit.”

“No, you don’t.”

“You’re biased.”

“Yeah, but it’s the truth.”

Jae tossed the compact away, leaned against the seat and popped the dislodged earbuds back in. “I can’t do this.”

\-----

“I can’t do this,” Jae repeated as the taxi brought them up to a regal, wrought iron gate.

“Just relax.”

A guard stepped out from the box and looked into the back window. He grinned and yanked open the door.

“Jaejoong!” he cried and pulled Jae from the car.

“Hey, Seunghyun.”

The guard hugged him. “Heechul said you might be by. Of course, we’re under strict orders not to let you onto the grounds, but hey, what Mr. Kim YooJoong doesn’t know won’t hurt him, right? I’m sure you’re headed to see your mother. What a right, awful mess that is, but man, it’s good to see you.”

“You, too.”

“Shit, sorry, Jae,” he said and released him. “Completely unprofessional. I’ll let you right through.”

Jae was bustled back into the car, and the gate lifted.

Yunho grinned. “And you were worried.”

Jae took a deep breath. “We’re not there yet.”

The cab followed a twisting road about a quarter mile. They suddenly broke from the trees.

And waiting at the top of a small hill was the largest house Yunho had ever seen. White columns, stained glass windows, a sloping lawn and circular driveway.

A younger man came down the stairs and opened the door for them. “Good day, Master Jae,” he said. He took their bag and led the way up a large flight of stairs.

The main door opened. A man that Yunho had only seen from a distance stood in the doorway. It was the man that had come to fetch Jae back home all those months ago.

“Master Jaejoong.”

“Ferdinand.”

“You do realize that if I let you through this door your father will fire me.”

“Yes, sir.”

Ferdinand visibly started at the title. And then he sighed. “Well, Seunghyun was right. What Mr. Kim Yoojoong doesn’t know. Welcome home, boy.”

The door was opened, and they were hustled inside. They slipped their shoes off. Another butler took their coats and hung them in a closet.

If Yunho thought the outside was amazing, it was nothing compared to the opulence inside. Staircases twisted up from the main hall. Wide hallways led to huge rooms. Chandeliers dotted the vaulted ceiling.

He didn’t realize he was gaping until Jae pushed his mouth closed.

“You grew up here?” Yunho said in awe.

“No. I lived here. I grew up at the farm.” He smiled and turned to the older man. “Ferdinand, is Mother in her rooms?”

“Yes, Master Jaejoong. I’ll take you. Another servant may not be so anxious to risk their job for you.”

Yunho tore his eyes away from the paintings on the walls when Jae pulled his hand. Ferdinand led them up staircases, down hallways, through twists, and up more staircases until Yunho was completely lost.

At the end of a long hallway, a maid opened a large set of double doors. Ferdinand bowed and said, “I’ll have tea sent up right away.”

“And maybe something stronger,” Jae muttered.

“Very well, sir.”

Jae shivered when Ferdinand turned away. “This is really weird,” Jae said as he led Yunho through a large sitting room and smaller set of double doors. “Everything is the same. It’s like I never left.”

“Master Jaejoong,” a maid whispered.

“Cornelia, it’s good to see you. Is Mother sleeping?”

“No, sir, the pain doesn’t let her sleep much.”

Jae took a deep breath, and then opened the door. He stuck his head around it, and then entered all the way. Yunho stepped in behind him.

A massive king-sized, four poster bed took up the middle of the room. It was flanked by dark, antique furniture. A set of French doors opened onto a balcony, and the winter sunlight streamed through the otherwise dark room.

The woman lying in the bed was beautiful, even though the sickness had wasted her away. Yunho could tell where Jae got his looks from.

“Jae-bear?”

Jae bowed and said formally, “Good day, Mother.”

“Oh, Jae-bear, you came.”

Jae took halting steps to the edge of her bed. Yunho followed a few feet behind. His mom reached out a hand. Jae took it carefully.

“Sit, please.”

Jae sat on the edge of the bed.

“Oh, my boy, look at you.” Her hand ran down his shoulders. “So strong, and with short hair. What on Earth have you done to your hands?”

Jae looked away. “It happens with hard work, Mom.”

“Oh, I’m so proud of you.”

Jae made a noise of disbelief.

“Don’t be silly, darling. Of course, I am. Now, tell me all about it. From the beginning. And you leave nothing out.”

Jae glanced behind him at Yunho. Yunho hoped he left some stuff out. His mom followed his gaze.

“Ooh, and who is this handsome fellow?”

“This is Yunho. He’s my boyfriend.”

His mother’s eyebrows rose, and then she motioned for him to come and sit also. Yunho took her offered hand and bowed over it. “Pleased to meet you.”

“You as well,” she said. Her gaze went between the two of them, and then she smiled. “He’s incredibly attractive, son.”

Jae blushed. “Yeah.”

“Alright. Tell me everything. Even this.” She waved her hand at Yunho

Near the middle of the story, Ferdinand brought in tea and two sniffers full of brandy.  
Jae took a deep breath of it and downed it in one gulp. “Okay, so there are some things I miss,” he said with a grin.

Yunho choked on his. “Damn. That’s some strong stuff.”

Jae’s mom laughed. “Only the best. So you saw Heechul,” she said very carefully.

Jae stiffened. “Yeah.”

“He’s married, you know.”

His eyes went wide. “He didn’t tell me that.”

“He and Yoojin were married about two months ago. He misses you. Sometimes I think he feels guilty for driving you away.”

“He didn’t drive me away. Father did that. Heechul started the car though.”

She smiled. “He loves you.”

“So? I loved him, and he laughed it off. I’m perfectly happy with my life right now. Nothing Heechul could offer me – or any one else for that matter – would make me come back.”

There was a knock on the door, and then it opened and Ferdinand entered with a bow. “Sorry to interrupt, Madam, but Master Siwon is here for your daily prayer.”

A tall man entered. His brown hair was cut short to his head. He had broad shoulders and a thin build. He wore dark blue trousers and a gray sport jacket. A bible was in his hand.

Jae practically squealed and was up and hugging the other man with all his might.

“Jaejoong hyung, what are you doing here?” Siwon demanded as soon as they broke apart. He kept hold of Jae’s hands, and then placed kisses on each of his cheeks.

Yunho’s eyes narrowed.

“Don’t worry,” Jae’s mom whispered. “He’s like that with everybody.”

Jae returned the kisses and then led him back to the bed.

“Siwon, this is my boyfriend Yunho.”

Siwon took Yunho’s hand with both of his and bowed over them. “Good to meet you, hyung. Are you taking good care of Joongie for us? He is rather special.” Siwon straightened. “Does Eunhae know you’re here?”

“No, but don’t—”

Siwon waved him silent and dug out a cell phone. “Sorry, sorry, but if you’re here and they don’t know, they’re going to be pissed off.”

“Eunhae?” Yunho questioned.

“Eunhyuk and Donghae,” Jae replied with a smile. “Think YooSu and Kyumin.”

“Ah.”

“Eunhyuk-shi? You and Donghae need to get over the Kim’s right away. … Oh, no, nothing like that, but it is urgent. … Yes, she’s fine. … No, just come over. … I don’t care what you’re doing to him. Tell Donghae to get dressed. You guys won’t regret it.”

Siwon disconnected, and then joined them on the bed. He took Jae’s hand again. “I never thought I’d see you again,” he muttered, laying his head on Jae’s shoulder. “I like your hair short.” He suddenly straightened. “Heechul hyung—”

“No,” Jae said suddenly. “I don’t want to hear anything else about him right now.”

“Okay.”

“Jae-bear,” his mom said. “Tell Siwon about your adventure.”

“Adventure? That makes it sound like it’s over and you expect me to stay here.”

“Of course not, dear. You have your life elsewhere, but to us, in this gilded monstrosity, it’s an adventure. And I only got to hear half of it.”

Jae sighed, but went through the story again, adding a few things he had forgotten the first time, like his fight with Kangin. Siwon’s eyebrows almost lifted from his forehead.

“It was awesome,” Yunho said and draped an arm around Jae’s shoulder. “Perfect roundhouse kick. Kangin never saw it coming.”

“Will he be back come springtime?” Jae’s mom asked.

“Probably. They’ve only left to make better money.”

The door swung open. Yunho had enough time to see two men, with mouths open, and then Jae was off the bed.

“JAE!”

One of them launched himself at Jae. Jae caught him, swung him in the air and then the guy planted a full kiss on Jae’s mouth.

“God,” Yunho muttered.

Jae’s mom giggled. “Calm down. They’ve been friends since they were in diapers.”

The guy finally pulled back. Yunho got a good look at his adorable grin. His hair fell into his eyes. Jae brushed it back. When the guy lent in for another kiss, Jae pulled away and dropped him to the floor.

“None of that, now, Hae.”

“Yeah,” the other guy said. “I don’t care how happy you are to see him. You’re mine.”

This guy’s long hair was stylishly spiked, meant to look messy on purpose. His wide smile showed off his gums. He pulled the other back to him, and wrapped his arms around his shoulders. They were the same height, but shorter than he and Jae. Both wore incredibly expensive clothes.

Weren’t there any ugly guys in this world?

Jae turned and motioned him forward. Yunho stood. Jae smiled an apology at him, and he relaxed when Jae’s arm snaked around his waist.

“Guys, this is my boyfriend Yunho. This is Eunhae.” He pointed to the one that had kissed him. “That’s Donghae, and the other is Eunhyuk.”

“Boyfriend?” Eunhyuk said.

“Yeah. Problem?”

“No, it’s just – wow, well, your dad said you took off—”

Donghae nodded. “Now it all makes sense.”

“What makes sense?” Jae said.

“Why Heechul never talks about you, why he married Yoojin so quickly. Look, no one talks about you leaving. I mean, Hyukkie and I do, but nobody else does. No one says anything, including why you left. It’s one of those pretend it never happened things. I’m assuming it’s because of this.”

“He wanted me to marry Soonya. I wanted to marry Heechul.”

Eunhyuk grinned. “Guess who gets to marry Soonya now?”

Jae laughed. “Better you than me, man.”

“Anyway,” Donghae said. “So spill. Is he why you left?”

“No, I left because my father made me.”

They settled on some chairs. Donghae sat on Eunyuk’s lap and played with his hair while Jae, once again went through his story.

“Well, you seem pretty well situated, Jae,” Donghae said. “I can’t say I understand it though. I mean, not that I’m taking Heechul’s side or anything, but I’m perfectly content getting married, having one kid and then never touching my wife again.”

“You have me for that,” Eunhyuk said, and they rubbed their noses together.

“We’re never that nauseating are we, Yunho?” Jae asked with a smile.

“I hope not,” Yunho replied.

Donghae stuck his tongue out at them, and then Eunhyuk pulled him around to kiss him. “Ignore them. They’re just jealous of me.”

“No, of me.”

“Of me.”

“Of me.”

“Boys,” Siwon said with a sigh. “God, they’re never going to grow up.”

“Not true,” Donghae said. “We’re both getting married next year. We’re going to have to grow up a little bit.”

“When’s your wedding?” Jae asked.

“In the spring. Eunhyuk’s marrying in the summer. Dude, Jae, you have to come to my wedding.”

Jae scoffed. “No thanks.”

“Oh, man, you have to.”

“Why are you saying no?” Yunho asked. “He’s your friend.”

Jae smirked. “The only reason why he wants me to go is because it will cause drama.”

“You’re coming,” Donghae said with a huge smile. “Think of the entertainment factor.”

“Jae-bear, darling.”

The five men turned to the bed.

Jae’s mom smiled. “You’ll go. Now, tell your friends to leave us in peace so I can talk to you alone.”

Eunhae and Siwon kissed his mother’s hand and wished her better health. Yunho was about to follow them out the door, but Jae’s mother called him back. She studied him carefully, and then said, “Take good care of him for me.”

A knot formed in Yunho’s throat. He nodded and choked out, “For as long as he’ll let me.”

“Good. I’m sure those friends of his are going to want to interrogate you.”

Yunho kissed her hand, accepted a kiss on the cheek from Jae and turned around. The three guys were smiling at him, Donghae motioning for him to hurry.

“Chop, chop, little one,” he said.

“Donghae,” Jae said in warning.

Donghae flashed him a smile and then flipped him off.

“You’ll be okay,” Jae said.

Yunho took a deep breath and followed them out. No matter what Jae said, he knew he was in for it.

And as soon as the door shut, Donghae’s smile turned feral.

“So, farm boy,” he said. “Let’s have a chat.”

Eunhyuk threw his arm around Yunho’s shoulders and steered him to the sitting area. With firm hands, Donghae pushed him into a chair.

Neither of them sat. Siwon, with a pensive look on his face, stood back a bit.

“What the fuck makes you think that you could come here?” Donghae demanded.

“Jae invited me.”

“Jae’s not even supposed to be here, but he belongs here more than you do.” Donghae crouched down and grabbed the collar of Yunho’s shirt between two fingers. “This is probably the richest thing you own.” He snorted and flicked the fabric away, fingers hitting Yunho’s chin. “Honestly, we’ve been indulgent, but now that we know where Jae is, don’t think we won’t do whatever we can to convince him to come back. You think he belongs on a farm, working? Why work when you don’t have to? And his clothes. Man, those are what he was wearing the last time we saw him.”

“Did you see his fingernails?” Eunhyuk said with a theatrical shudder.

“He’s fallen so far, our poor little Joongie. Letting his skin deteriorate, letting his pride go, letting trash into his bed.”

Yunho bit back a retort.

“You think you’re good enough for him?” Donghae continued. “You’re nothing. Hired help. Dirt on the bottom of my Gucci’s. Jae deserves better than that. Look around you. This is what he’s used to. You think you’re ever going to be able to provide him with this? No. And as soon as he figures that out, he’s going to leave. It’d be better if you just broke it off now. Better for you before you’re in too deep in a life you can’t begin to comprehend. And much, much better for him. He deserves this. He doesn’t deserve to live in poverty. And he doesn’t deserve the chance of communicable diseases from a dirty piece of ass like you.”

“Donghae,” Siwon said.

But Donghae waved him silent.

Donghae crouched back down in front of him. “You could be attractive, with a bit of work, but knowing where you’re from, I wouldn’t put my cock in that poverish mouth.”

Yunho felt his eyes narrow.

“What? No defense? No comeback.”

Donghae smirked and stood up. “Unable to communicate with us upper class without Jae here to translate. We don’t speak in grunts, do we gentlemen?”

Eunhyuk giggled.

Donghae went to him, wrapped his arms around his neck and placed fluttering kisses down his cheek.

“It’s up to you, farm boy. You ought to see that Jae deserves better than you.”

Finally, Yunho couldn’t take it. “So what, he deserves a bastard like Heechul?”

Donghae’s eyes narrowed. “Bastard? Strong word for a little piece of filth like you. Heechul loves him, in his own way, and Jae’s been in love with Heechul since they were children. Do you really think you can compete with that? Imagine for a minute what you would think if you saw Jae petting a dog.”

“A guinea pig,” Eunhyuk said, and Donghae laughed.

“Yeah, a rat, even. That’s what Heechul thinks of you. You’re Jae’s little pet, and as soon as he grows tired of you, he’ll be back.”

“Jae likes working.”

“Every rich man gets bored and tries something new,” Donghae replied. A heavy beat quipped from his pocket. He smiled, and answered his phone.

“Chullie. I was just about to call you.”

Donghae smirked at Yunho’s glare.

“Hyukkie and I came by to visit Mrs. Kim and you’ll never guess who’s here … Okay, so you can guess. … No, he’s in her room talking to her alone at the moment. … Oh, of course. … Yeah. … See in you a bit.”

He disconnected and then smiled at Eunhyuk. “This should be fun.”

Yunho couldn’t stop glaring at the pair. They ignored him, intent on eating each others faces. How dare they! Jae was not unhappy, and he certainly never complained about anything.

He looked at Siwon. The tall man seemed a bit worried, but Yunho knew he’d be getting no help from him.

Less than fifteen minutes later, loud footsteps echoed in the hallway. The door slammed open, and there was Heechul. He wore blue jeans and a purple shirt. His deep brown eyes settled on Yunho and narrowed.

Yunho stood up slowly. He backed away a bit

“What the fuck is he doing here?”

Donghae stood up from Eunhyuk’s lap. “Jae invited him.”

“Where’s Jae?”

Donghae pointed to the bedroom.

“Good, because I’m going to kick his ass.”

“Hey,” Yuhno said, putting his hands up. “I didn’t do—”

“Shut the fuck up,” Heechul yelled. “You dare talk to me, you dirty piece of shit. Leave Jae alone. Leave now. Right now. If Jae’s here, I’m not letting him go back to whatever that crap is that he calls a life.”

The door opened, and all five of them spun toward it.

“Shut up. All of you. You’re disturbing my mother,” Jae said. He walked to Yunho and draped an arm around his shoulders. He kissed his cheek.

Heechul growled, but Jae ignored him. “You ready to go?” Jae asked Yunho.

“The sooner the better.”

Jae moved them toward the door, putting himself between Yunho and his friends. Heechul grabbed his arm, but Jae yanked it away.

“Jae,” Heechul said.

“It was good to see you, Eunhae, Siwon. Keep in touch.”

Jae didn’t look back, but Yunho did. Heechul’s chest rose in heavy gasps. Eunhyuk was grinning. Donghae caught his eye and smirked. He did a little finger wave.

“Walk faster,” Jae said. “Damn that bastard.”

They walked quickly through the house, Yunho once again lost in the twist and turns and staircases. As they approached what Yunho recognized as the front door, Ferdinand appeared.

“Can you call us a taxi?”

“Already on its way, sir. Cornelia heard the commotion and called ahead.”

“Thank you.”

Jae looked around the room and sighed. “Ferdinand, I know I was never nice to you or to any of the wait staff, but thank you, for all you do. Especially thank you for what you do for my mother.”

“Of course, sir.”

“I was a bit a prick growing up, wasn’t I?”

Ferdinand smiled. “Of course not, sir.”

Jae turned to Yunho with a smile. “He’s lying. I was a prick.”

If Yunho thought the ride to Seoul was quiet, it was nothing compared to the ride back. Jae said nothing, just popped in his earbuds and kept his eyes shut.

They arrived back at the farm late in the night. Jae barreled past him, up the stairs to the bathroom. Yunho went more slowly. The sound of crying stopped him at the bathroom door. He leaned his head against it. What should he do now? The encounter with his friends, while not surprising, was definitely jarring. But Jae didn’t need his problems right now. He needed comfort. Yunho winced when the crying turned to retching.

“Yunho,” Junsu whispered.

Yunho turned sad eyes to him.

“I take it things didn’t go well.”

“Not particularly. I met his old friends.” He made a face.

Junsu smiled.

The door opened. Jae looked startled to find them out there, and then he shrugged past them and up the stairs.

“I don’t know what to do for him,” Yunho said.

“Sometimes just being there is enough,” Junsu replied. “Come on.”

Yunho took the offered hand and they walked up the stairs. Jae was curled in a ball. Not on their bed, but the one that had been KyuMin’s, closest to the door. He hadn’t even taken off his clothes. Yunho sat on their bed. Kibum’s soft snores echoed in the attic.

Yunho wasn’t sure how long he sat there, staring into the dark. He hated to admit it, but maybe Jae’s friends were right. He wasn’t good enough for him. He certainly wouldn’t be able to provide Jae with the level of opulence that he was accustomed to.

And what if this was just a passing fancy? What if Jae suddenly grew bored of him and this life and left to go back? He’d only known Jae for six months. How was that supposed to compete with the lifelong love Jae had with Heechul?

God, and how selfish was he being? Jae wouldn’t see his mother again and he was brooding over that confrontation with his friends. They were wrong, anyway. Jae loved him, didn’t he?  
True, they’d never said the words to each other, but Yunho could tell. The way Jae looked at him, or found every excuse to touch him.

Every rich man gets bored and tries something new.

Was he something new? Something to be used and tossed to the side like yesterday’s newspaper? Damn it, but maybe Donghae was right. If it was like that, it’d be better to end it now than to wait until Jae ended it.

That thought hurt. Before Jae, Yunho had been thinking of leaving the farm, going someplace else. Now he knew that wouldn’t. Not unless Jae was with him. Did that count as love? To never want to be separated, to spend the rest of his life doing everything he could to make Jae happy? He thought so.

“Yunnie.”

He flipped around at the harsh whisper. Jae’s eyes were full of pain, red rimmed, blood shot. Yunho moved to the other bed, quickly lay down, and gathered Jae up in his arms. Jae’s body shook with silent tears.

Fuck Heechul and the rest of them. As determined as Heechul was to get Jae back, Yunho was determined to make him stay. Yunho wouldn’t let this go. He’d fight for Jae, never give up. Jae was his now. Heechul had lost his chance.

Once Jae’s sobs turned to quiet gasps, Yunho kissed his head, and whispered, “I don’t know what to say to make everything better, but I’ll always be here. I love you.”

The arms around his waist tightened, and slowly the body relaxed. It wasn’t until the bell clanged for breakfast that Yunho realized that Jae hadn’t said it back.


	7. Jaejoong's Confession

**JAEJOONG**

Jae floated through the next few days, barely talking. How could he? He spent a lot of time trying to remember his mother. Trying to remember anything other than the perfectly groomed, controlled, stern woman that he’d get glances of in the halls. Until the other day, she had never called him Jae-bear. Had never kissed his check. Had never said that she loved him.

And now it was gone.

Or it would be soon.

She said that the cancer was taking its time, but there was no way she would survive. She told him that she had extracted a promise from Siwon to let him know.

He couldn’t bear to think of it anymore. To discover his mother so quickly, and to have her taken away just as fast. And Heechul, cutting into the last moments he had with his mother to yell at Jae.

The thing that hurt the most was how quiet Yunho was being. Sure, they cuddled together and held hands, but something was different. He never said anything about what Eunhae and Heechul said that day, but Jae knew that the three of them would have done their best to intimidate him. Jae wondered if that’s why every now and then he’d catch Yunho looking at him with a combination of determination and despair in his face.

Yunho knew that Jae would never go back, didn’t he? Jae loved him. But it was different than the love he had for Heechul. That hurt. Love wasn’t supposed to hurt. And when he thought of Yunho, there was no pain, just smiles and laughter and sweat-slicked skin and discovery. The unknown. The uncertainty that life was no longer mapped out, but wherever he went, he knew that he wanted Yunho next to him. Jae loved him.

But you’ve never told him.

Jae winced. Yunho had said it, had whispered it that night, but he hadn’t said it again.

They really needed to talk, but Jae avoided it. Yunho avoided it.

Fortunately, they had a distraction.

Changmin was preparing to leave. He bounced around the house, blabbering about nothing, how excited he was, how pretty Sahar was, how many children they’d have. Three days before he was set to leave, he ran up the stairs, barreled into the attic and shouted, “Good news!”

Jae jumped, still not quite used to Changmin’s exuberance, but Yunho and YooSu barely looked up.

“What news, Minnie?” Junsu asked.

“You’re all coming to my wedding to be my best man. Well, best men. The four of you. Sahar said it was okay, so you’re coming!”

Yoochun sighed. “Did we agree to this?”

Changmin bit his lip and looked away. “Well, no, but I thought—it’s my wedding, you know, and—”

Junsu slapped Yoochun’s arm. “Would you stop teasing the poor kid? He’s teasing, Minnie. I’m excited, and thanks for thinking of us, but how are we going to clear it with Jonghyun?"

“I knew that was an issue, since you’ll be gone two days, so I asked him before I even asked Sahar.”

“And us,” Yoochun pointed out.

“I didn’t want to get your hopes up. Sahar is carefully planning this, and I don’t want to screw it up, but you guys are my best friends and I want you there.”

“We’ll be there,” Yunho said. “Right, guys?”

“Of course,” YooSu said, and Jae quickly echoed it.

“I am so excited!” Changmin shouted and then left the room as loudly as he entered.

Yoochun groaned. “Man, we’re going to have to dress up, and be presentable, and gosh, no pressure, right?”

“What do you mean?” Jae asked.

“Oh, it will be easy for you, Mr. High Society, but to us peasants, this thing is going to be a nightmare.”

“It won’t be that bad,” Yunho said.

“I’m still confused,” Jae said.

Junsu giggled. “Do you even listen to Changmin when he starts talking?”

Jae blushed and looked down. “I try to, but it seems like it’s always the same stuff.”

“So in Changmin’s blabbering, have you not noticed the name of Sahar’s father?”

Jae racked his brain, but couldn’t, for the life of him remember anything.

“She, Lee Sahar, is the only daughter of Lee Sooman, head of—”

“SM Entertainment?” Jae screeched. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

YooSu laughed. “Nope.”

“Ah, hell,” Jae said and threw himself to the bed.

Yunho leaned over him. “You alright?”

“Do you have any idea how many people I’m going to know at this wedding? I’ve had dinner with Lee Sooman and his wife. I’ve gotten drunk with his oldest son. I knew that name sounded familiar when he first showed me her picture. When I was sixteen, I heard my father on the phone, dealing with him to see how soon I could marry his daughter.”

Junsu burst out laughing. “No way!”

“God,” Jae said and rolled over, burying his face in his arms.

“I’m not sure you’re going to have too much to worry about,” Yunho said. “Changmin said that the wedding and small reception after it are for family and close friends only. There’s going to be a much larger reception a few days later.”

“I’m fucked,” Jae muttered.

Yunho’s weight settled over him. “Doesn’t look like it to me, but we could change that.”

Jae slithered over until he was facing Yunho. Yunho kissed him. “Relax, okay? You may be outnumbered that day, but YooSu and I will be there for you.”

“That we will be,” Yoochun said, “but you two obviously need some time alone. Come on, Su, let’s go tease Changmin some more.”

The door shut.

Jae stared up into Yunho’s eyes as Yunho caressed his face and placed small kisses on his cheeks. “You’re much better at not talking and spoiling the moment,” Jae said as the kisses moved to his neck.

Yunho laughed. His hand slid under Jae’s shirt, fingertips trailing along the defined muscles. Jae shut his eyes, but he couldn’t relax. It wasn’t until Yunho let out a harsh breath of frustration that he realized how unresponsive he was being.

Yunho rolled away from him and sat up.

Jae moved in behind him, wrapped his legs around his waist and arms around his shoulders. Jae placed a kiss just below his ear.

“We need to talk,” Jae asked.

Yunho tensed. “I’d rather not.”

“Why?”

“Because nothing good ever comes after someone says, ‘we need to talk.’”

Jae smiled against his shoulder. “Not that kind of talk, I just … I’ve been off in my own little world and you always seem to suffer when I do this. So I figure talking to you is better than letting you think that I don’t love you.”

Yunho gasped.

“I’m still really upset about my mom, but I’m even more upset at my friends. I know that they weren’t nice to you, I know how they are, and they probably tried to intimidate you and make you feel worthless. Donghae is especially good at that. When we were younger, we used to go to the city and see how many poor people Donghae could make cry. I don’t know what they said, but I know it affected you and I’m sorry that I haven’t been able to talk to you about it.”

“It was nothing.”

“Yunho. Come on, just tell me, so I can dispel your fears. I’m not leaving you.”

Yunho took a deep breath. “Donghae said I was just a passing fancy for you. Something that all rich people do when they get bored. And that when you tired of me, you’d go back to them.”

Jae tightened his hold. “I’m sure he wasn’t that nice about it.”

“No. He said that I should break up with you now to keep you from leaving me later.”

“I’m really sorry. I never meant to leave you alone with them.”

“I held my own. Siwon didn’t say anything, but he was uncomfortable.”

“Siwon is a pious pacifist. He absolutely hates the way that they treat other people, but he’s the doengsang, so there’s not much he can do about it. I hope none of them are at Changmin’s wedding. How the hell did I miss that?”

Yunho laughed. “You have to learn what is babble and what isn’t when it comes to Changmin. It takes a while. Do you want to talk about your mother?”

“No. Up until that day, I’d never seen her as anything but a stern, perfect doll. I wanted to stay longer, but then Heechul was there yelling, and my mother told me to go rescue you. Fucking Heechul.”

“You love him.”

Jae pulled away, shifted until he sat at Yunho’s side, legs still curled around him. He made Yunho look at him. He hadn’t told Yunho about Heechul, nothing beyond the fact that they had been lovers. He thought about it now, thought about telling Yunho everything, but he couldn’t. Not yet. Not until he came to grips with it on his own. Heechul had been a complete bastard, and yet Jae still loved him. Would always love him.

“Yes, I love him,” he finally answered, “but in that nostalgia sort of way. Do I think about what might have been? Sometimes, but I was delusional to think that Heechul would give up everything for me. He’s a selfish bastard when you come right down to it. They all are. Now, you.”

Jae shot him a feral grin and flicked his tongue over Yunho’s earlobe. Yunho swallowed as Jae once again shifted, ending up in his lap. Yunho wrapped loose arms around him.

“You are just about perfect. Sure, you can be overprotective, clingy and suffocating, but that just shows how much you care about people and take care of those under you. Your body is fantastic, and you’re completely unselfish with it.” Jae pushed him to the bed, settling over him with his knees at Yunho’s hips. “You make me laugh, and every time I see you smile, it makes my breath catch. You work hard, and people trust you. I trust you. You’re a better man than Heechul could ever hope to be. And your body, did I mention that?”

Jae ground his hips against Yunho’s body. He gasped and said, “You might have.”

“Well, it’s an amazing body, but it does seem to be covered in too many clothes right now.”

“We should fix that.”

“Yes, we should.”

Yunho sat up enough for Jae to pull his shirt off. Jae’s followed quickly after that. Their lips met in hungry kisses. Jae’s hands fought with Yunho’s belt and pants.

“Hang on,” Yunho gasped, “or I’m going to sit here in shoes with my pants at my knees.”

“Good enough,” Jae said, but Yunho stopped him to kick off his shoes. Jae moved quick, grabbed pants and boxers and flung them off. He licked up Yunho’s shuddering body as he worked on getting his clothes off.

“Finally,” Yunho said as their naked bodies pressed together.

“Sorry, love,” Jae said, “but it’s been a rough couple of weeks.”

“I know, but that’s not what I meant. It’s just that when I know I’m going to get to touch you, it takes forever for you to get naked.”

Jae laughed and then talking was over as Yunho kissed him. Well, coherent talking was over. Jae had never been one to keep quiet when a hot mouth lathered his nipples and teeth scrapped at his stomach. Or when firm, slick fingers pressed into him. Jae threw his head back with a cry.

“I love to watch you lose control,” Yunho whispered. Fingers still working, he moved up Jae’s body and kissed the open mouth. Jae couldn’t kiss him back. Couldn’t do much of anything. It had been way too long since they had done this. He hissed and his vision went white and spotty when Yunho inserted another finger. This slow preparation was going to undo him.

“Yunnie, hurry,” he pleaded. “Too … too …”

“Good?” Yunho supplied.

“Yes!”

The fingers moved. Jae relaxed, lower muscles twitching, and then firm hands lifted him up, held him, while Yunho slid inside him. They both stilled, and then shifted for comfort, but Yunho shuddered and started moving, maybe before Jae was ready, but the first twinge of unpleasantness was immediately replaced by blissful agony. Jae definitely wasn’t quiet when Yunho was sliding in and out of him. He clutched at Yunho’s forearms, lifting, trying to get more of Yunho inside him. Begging him for more. His back arched, his body tightened and then convulsed as the blurry white behind his eyelids flashed florescent and he came, splattering across him stomach.

Their heavy breathing filled the room. And as Yunho slowed and lowered himself, Jae realized that he had missed watching Yunho come. Yunho settled on top of him, face at his neck, breath cooling just that patch while the rest of him smothered with heat.

After a quiet moment, Jae said, “Yunnie?”

“Hm?”

“I’m going to tell you that I love you, but I don’t want you to think it’s just the awesome sex that’s talking.”

Yunho jerked up and stared down at him. Jae smiled. He pulled Yunho’s face to his and rested their foreheads together.

“I love you,” he said, and kissed him. Yunho shuddered as the kiss extended into minutes, and Jae ran soft hands down his back.

“I.” Kiss. “Love.” Kiss.”You, too.” Kiss.

Jae smiled. No matter what anyone said or did, no matter how hard they tried, Jae knew that he and Yunho would be together forever. People like Heechul, Donghae and Kangin didn’t matter.

Jae suddenly laughed.

Yunho pulled back. “What?”

“After Changmin leaves, we are so having sex on that bed.”

“Why?”

“Because it will be just Kangin’s then.”

Yunho’s face broke into a smile, and then he laughed. “You are so evil.”


	8. Yunho's First Taste of Luxury

**YUNHO**

Yunho had been to Seoul maybe twice in his entire life. And now, he had been twice in the last month. And rubbing shoulders with people he didn’t feel comfortable with.

Sahar was an adorable girl. Her head barely came up to Changmin’s shoulder, but as soon as they exited the cab, Changmin and Sahar only had eyes for each other. She flung herself into his arms, and they held on tightly until a butler cleared his throat. Sahar had greeted each of them formally. But her eyes widened when she saw Jaejoong.

“Jaejoong?” She turned to Changmin and slapped his arm. “Why didn’t you tell me that you knew Kim Jaejoong?”

“I told you about Jae,” Changmin insisted while rubbing his arm.

“Yeah, but you didn’t tell me he was Kim Jaejoong.”

Changmin shrugged. “Sorry. He’s just Jae to me.”

Jae smiled at him, then took Sahar’s hand and bowed over it. “Lee Sahar, nice to meet you. I don’t believe we were ever formally introduced.”

“No, but it’s nice to finally meet you. I wasn’t really expecting you to show up at the reception on Friday.”

“I won’t be at the reception on Friday. Family problems, as you know.”

Sahar looked a bit put out, but she let it pass. “Okay, now, Minnie, take these boys to the fitting, please. You know we don’t have much time to waste, and god, the tailors are going to be working all day.”

“Fitting?” Yoochun said.

“Well, yes,” Sahar said. “Didn’t Changmin mention it? You four are part of the wedding party and we can’t have you looking like farmers, now can we?”

Yoochun turned a dirty look to Changmin.

He had the grace to look sheepish. “Did I forget to mention that?”

“Yes,” Yunho and YooSu said.

“You can yell at him later. Now, go,” Sahar said. “Changmin, darling, dinner with my parents is at seven. Please don’t be late.”

With a swish of curly hair, Sahar left them.

“I can’t believe this,” Yoochun said as they followed Changmin. A servant led them through the house to an upper bedroom. Almost immediately there were servants pulling at their clothes.

“Hey,” Yoochun said and slapped away the hands of a man pulling at his scarf.

Jae laughed. He stood still, his arms outspread, as a man removed his coat and unbuttoned his shirt. Changmin also was letting them undress him, although he didn’t look nearly as relaxed as Jae was.

“They get paid to do this,” Jae said.

Yunho didn’t care. He stopped the man next to him and divested himself of his own clothes. Yoochun did the same.

Junsu giggled and let the man undress him. “I feel like a prince.”

Another man brought in a pile of clothes and handed each servant a pair of slacks. Yunho watched as Jae allowed the man to bend in front of him. Jae put his hands on the man’s back for support as he stepped into the slacks.

“Sorry,” Yunho said and took the pants form him, “but the only man getting that close to me is Jae.”

“It’s fun!” Junsu shouted again.

Yoochun looked down right murderous as he snatched the pants and tugged them on.

“Sir,” a servant said, “be careful. You’ll compromise the integrity of the fabric.”

Yoochun scoffed. “Yeah, sure.”

“He’s right, you know,” Jae said. “These pants feel like the eight hundred count cotton.”

“One thousand, sir.”

“Huh,” Jae said. “I must be losing my touch.”

As soon as the pants were on, another man came around each of them, measuring their inseams and leg lines, pinning the cuffs.

Yunho tried his best to hold still as Jae kept instructing him. Yoochun was being down right rebellious.

“I don’t care. I want to wear my jeans.”

Junsu stopped the man and went to his boyfriend. Yoochun brushed him off at first, but then visibly relaxed when Junsu hugged him from behind and started whispering.

Yoochun shuddered, and then pointed to the tailor. “Okay, you, hurry up, and watch where your hands go.”

“What did you say to him?” Jae whispered.

Junsu winked. “Oh something about how hot his ass would look in tailored trousers.”

Changmin blanched. “Oh, god. You two are going to keep your hands to yourself, right? I mean, this is like high—”

Junsu waved him silent. “We know, we know.”

“And you two?” Changmin asked, turning pleading eyes to Yunho.

Yunho shrugged. “Sure, I’ll keep my hands to Jaejoong’s ass.”

“Yunnie!”

Jae laughed. “We’ll behave, Changmin, I promise.”

Next came the silk shirts. Junsu practically crooned as the fabric flowed across his skin. Yunho was impressed. It did feel rather nice.

“Silk,” Jae groaned. “God, I haven’t worn silk in so long.”

Yunho turned away from him, trying to push down his thoughts. He’d never be able to afford to buy Jaejoong silk shirts.

“Yunnie?” Jae said, and Yunho looked up. Jae gave him a small smile, almost like he understood what suddenly made Yunho quiet. He probably did. They’d talked more about what their future would hold and what they may do later in life. Nothing either of them said included the purchasing of silk shirts.

Sports jackets were next. Yunho had never worn a sports jacket. He kept shifting trying to settle it comfortably.

“Stand still,” Jae reminded him. “As soon as he done tailoring it, it’ll feel like a second skin.”

Yunho shut his eyes. The sooner this ended the better. He had to admit though, as he glanced at one of the many mirrors in the room, he looked good.

Yoochun was scrunching his nose at his reflection, but not in distaste. Finally he said, “A man could get used to this.”

“I know,” Jae said.

“All finished, sirs,” the main tailor said. The other servants were there to take the clothes back. Yunho let the man undress him, but again, drew the line at putting his clothes back on.

“Changmin, sir. Please make sure you’re all back here before midnight tonight for a final fitting. Miss Sahar has us rushing these clothes.”

“We will. Thank you.”

Right outside the door, a servant bowed and said, “This way, sirs.”

“Hey, Changmin,” Yoochun said and put a stiff arm around his shoulders. “Buddy, pal, brother. Friend. When this is over, I hope you and Sahar hide, because I may have to kill you.”

Changmin let out a shaky laugh.

Junsu pulled Yoochun away from him. “Aw, Chunnie, it’s so much fun. Just go with it.”

Jae met Yunho’s eyes and smiled. “It is pretty fun,” Jae said. “Just like old times. I used to get fitted for new clothes once a week.”

Yunho scoffed. “Pampered prince, you were.”

“Yeah.”

“Do you miss it?”

Jae was quiet for a long time. Yunho thought he was going to ignore the question, so he followed the butler in silence.

In a soft whisper, Jae said, “There are things about it I miss. The convenience, the good meals. Sometimes I miss the money, but I’m a lot happier now. I don’t feel like I’m just going through the motions. I feel like life has some purpose to it. I’m happier sharing a twin bed with you than I ever was sleeping alone in a king-sized bed.”

Yunho smiled. Their hands briefly touched, and despite the promise to Changmin, Yunho laced their fingers together.

The butler led them into a sitting room, reminiscent of the one that Donghae had chewed him out in.

“Lunch will be served momentarily,” he said and bowed.

“So what?” Yoochun demanded. “We’re just to sit here, out of sight, and wait?”

“Welcome to the life of the rich and famous,” Jae said and plopped down on a sofa. “All the money in the world, but nothing to do.”

He picked up a control and pushed a button. With a soft swoosh, the doors of an armoire opened, revealing the largest TV Yunho had ever seen. Jae flipped it on and started scrolling through the channels. Yunho sat next to him.

“Sweet. A football game.”

Junsu was immediately in their laps. “Ooh, I love football.”

Yoochun sat in a chair and brooded by himself.

“You need to relax, Chunnie,” Jae said. He stood and deposited Junsu in his place. He walked to a cabinet and pulled out a bottle of something and some glasses.

“Um, Jae,” Yunho said. “Should we—”

“Courtesy laws of the rich, Yunnie. These are the guest suites, which means you can do what you want and take what has been provided.”

Yoochun smirked. “Is there a drawer of lube and dildos?”

Jae laughed. “Probably not in this room.” He poured a couple of fingers into each glass and then carried them to the guys.

Yoochun downed his and then sputtered. “What the fuck? Are you trying to kill me?”

Jae smirked. “Maybe.” He went back to sofa and sat in Yunho’s lap. Yunho took the offered drink and remembering his experience from before, sipped at it.

There was a knock on the door, and then it opened. A few servants pushed in rolling carts. “Your lunch, gentleman. Would you prefer to eat in the dining room, or on the verandah?”

Yunho turned a confused look to Jae.

“Inside or outside?” Jae asked.

“Out,” Yoochun said immediately.

“Very well, sirs.”

Yunho rose and followed the carts, the others trailing behind them. Yunho was surprised at the warmth outside, and then saw all the heating vents around the patio. A waste of energy. How many luxuries did this place hold?

As lunch was spread out on a large table, Yoochun sat down hard and glared at them all. Jae shook his head and picked up a pack of cigarettes that had been lying next to an ashtray. He pulled one out, lit it and exhaled through his nose.

“Since when did you smoke?” Yunho demanded.

Jae grinned. “Forever, but when money is tight, the pleasantries go away.”

Yoochun was eyeing the cigarettes, so Jae tossed them to him. “Same as the liquor, man. They’ve been provided for us. Smoke it up. And these are better than those cheap ones that Kangin shares with you.”

Yoochun took a smoke and lit it. He coughed on the first inhale, but then proceeded to suck it down after that. He lit another one. Junsu made a face at him. “Don’t expect me to kiss you after you’ve been smoking.”

Yunho had to admit that Jae looked good smoking a cigarette. His elbows rested against the railing. His feet were crossed at the ankles. An exhale of smoke blurred the landscape of sloping lawns, trees and ponds. He definitely looked like he belonged here. The elegance that he carried himself with stood out when they were on the farm, but here he looked right at home. His fingers held the cigarette loosely, he brought it to his lips casually, and then those lips closed around it. Yunho had to fight back a shudder of desire when Jae’s cheeks concaved for a moment and he inhaled.

“What the hell is this?” Yoochun suddenly demanded, pointing at their food.

“It’s called lox,” Jae replied and stubbed out his cigarette. “Salmon. Stop being a jackass and just eat it.”

The wait staff suddenly disappeared. Jae dug right in. Yoochun spooned the soup for a while before tentatively taking a bite. He grunted but kept eating. Junsu was already past the soup, eating the Korean beef and vegetables. Yunho followed Jae’s example and ate everything that he did.

“Shit, guys,” Changmin suddenly said and put his head in his hands.

“What’s wrong, Minnie?” Junsu asked.

“I can’t do this. I can’t live like this.” He pushed away from the chair and started pacing. “This isn’t me, and well, I know Sahar deserves the very best, but that isn’t me. You should have seen her father when we were introduced. He flat out refused to shake my hand, but Sahar has defended me and refused to listen to reason and even went so far as to pack her bags to move out and live with me when her father finally gave in. God, I don’t deserve her.”

Yunho smiled and stood up. He stopped Changmin pacing and said, “Look, you deserve her because she loves you. She loved you since the day you saw her.”

“But I’m nothing.”

“To her, you’re everything.”

Jae suddenly asked, “How did you meet her? I don’t think I’ve heard that story.”

“I’m sure I told you,” Changmin said and sat back down. “She went to my university. She gave a presentation about music once, and I happened to be walking by the auditorium. I couldn’t stop staring at her. When it was over, I made a fool of myself, stuttering out some sort of congratulations. She nodded at me, then suddenly, she was everywhere I went, and one day she sat at my table in the cafeteria and introduced herself.”

“How long ago was that?”

“Two years or so,” Changmin said.

“So why are you on the farm?” Jae said.

“I think Mr. Lee SooMan did it just to try to get rid of me, but I was told I had to prove that I could work hard and earn money.”

“That’s right. I remember you saying that.”

Changmin launched to his feet again. “But I haven’t really proven anything, have I? This wedding is just another show of how indulgent her father is. I don’t belong here at all.”

“Oh, Minnie,” a girl’s voice squealed and curly brown hair flew past Yunho. She launched herself at Changmin and held him tightly. “Don’t you say stuff like that. Father does like you, and I love you and I’m so proud of you, and you have proven yourself.”

“I’m just so scared,” Changmin whispered. “This is all so much.”

“Do you love me?”

“Of course, I do.”

“That’s all that matters to me, Minnie.” Changmin bent down and kissed her.

Yunho caught Jae’s eyes and smiled.

 _Love you,_ Jae mouthed.

Yunho returned it.

“Oh, come on,” Yoochun said with a groan. “Hetero-kissing. Gross.”

Sahar broke away with a giggle. “My poor Minnie, all those letters filled with grumblings about you four making out everywhere.”

“Hey!” YooSu said.

Changmin blushed.

\-----

After their scheduled refitting, they were ushered back to the suite. Four rooms were provided for them, but Jae shook his head when Junsu asked if they had to sleep separately.

“Good,” Junsu said. “I can’t sleep without my Chunnie.”

Yoochun had rolled his eyes, but looked damned pleased with himself. “There better be a drawer stocked with the necessities in that bedroom,” Yoochun said as he dragged Junsu across the suite.

Jae laughed. “There should be.”

Yunho lay awake, it was very hard to sleep. The bed was too soft, the sheets too silky and his head kept sliding off the pillow. And Jae was so far away. Yunho thought he was asleep until, at about three am, Jae sighed and rolled over.

“Can’t sleep?” Yunho whispered.

“No. You either?”

“This bed is … elegant. I can’t get comfortable. What about you?”

“I’m just so nervous about who’s going to be here tomorrow.”

“Like I said before, we’ll deal with that when it comes.”

Jae sighed. He ran a hand along Yunho’s bare chest and then down to his stomach. “Let me help you relax.” He tugged at the waistband of Yunho’s shorts.

“Not here, Jae.”

“Please? I need a distraction.”

“I’m not in the—” He broke off with a hiss when Jae’s hand grabbed his crotch.

After a few seconds, Jae grinned. “Not in the mood, huh?”

“I don’t feel comfortable here,” Yunho protested as Jae hooked fingers around the bottoms of the shorts and tugged.

“I know.” Jae leaned over him and kissed down his stomach. “Let me help you forget that.”

Any further protests were turned into groans when Jae engulfed him.

\-----

The door flew open at six a.m.

“Come on, guys,” Changmin said. “Time to get up.”

Yunho pulled himself out of sleep. Yeah, Jae got him to sleep, but after a fantastic blow job, he needed at least eight hours to recover.

“Sahar has you guys scheduled to eat breakfast at seven and to be in front of the designer by eight am.”

“Designer?” Yunho mumbled as he sat up and rubbed his eyes.

“Yeah, something about looking spectacular and all that.”

“You mean looking like we belong.”

“Hey, she didn’t mean it like that.”

Yunho waved him away. Jae kissed his shoulder and chuckled.

“Man, now I have to go try to wake Yoochun up,” Changmin said with a grimace. “Like there’s not enough pressure on me right now.”

Yunho was half way to the bathroom when he heard Changmin scream, “Next time, fucking lock the door!”

Jae laughed. “I guess they’re awake.”

Yunho used the bathroom and then turned the shower on. He jumped when Jae’s hands encircled his waist and started pushing his boxers down.

“We don’t have time to make use of that Jacuzzi, but I think some morning shower sex is needed.”

Yunho shivered. He was pretty sure they didn’t have time for morning shower sex either, but he let himself be pushed into the spray.

They were late for breakfast, and facing an irate Sahar was something that Yunho never wanted to experience again. She shuffled them off, and Yunho finally got a good idea of what “the designer” meant.

The room they entered looked more like the backstage areas that singers stayed in before performing. One wall had a line of chairs, mirrors and bright lights. The other had more mirrors and racks and racks of clothing. There were a few prestigious looking gentlemen being fitted into tuxes. Yunho swallowed.

“Good god,” Jae muttered, and turned his head to the side.

“What?”

“That is Gu JoonPyo, in the middle. He’s one of my father’s closest business associates.”

A woman in a dress suit with her hair pulled tight into a bun came at them. “You five over to wardrobe, now.” She clapped her hands. “And you better pray that these outfits fit because we don’t have time to send them back to the tailor.”

They were herded to the racks of clothes. Another group of harassed looking men started pulling their clothes off. Yoochun started to protest, but Jae grabbed his arm. He whispered something, nodded his head toward the three other gentlemen, and gave him pleading eyes.

Surprisingly, Yoochun kept his mouth shut. The men had them changed in record time.

Junsu jacket didn’t quite fit, so a lady dug through the racks of clothes until she found one that did. Junsu strutted around and struck poses in the mirror, showing off the leather jacket. “I look like a biker.”

Yunho tried not to laugh, but had to join in with the others.

“Okay, boys,” the first woman said. “You are looking awesome, but now, sit, sit, sit, sit. Hair and make up.”

“Make up?” Yoochun shouted.

The woman stuck her tongue in the side of her mouth and tapped her foot. “Yes, young man, make up. You think beautiful people are beautiful by themselves? No, and there will be nothing but beautiful people at this wedding. Sit.”

Yoochun glared at her, but she didn’t back down. He grumbled and sat. Junsu giggled next to him, and his face softened a little bit.

Jae was already seated, one girl dabbing his face with a pad of some sort and another tugging on his hair. Jae waited until Stuck-Up Woman was gone and then turned to the girls. “Go easy on them, alright. Little as possible.” The girls nodded.

After the first brush of makeup on his face, Yoochun turned to Changmin with an evil grin. “You are definitely dead.”

\-----

The ceremony had been simple. It was as Changmin had said, only friends and family. Sahar had four of her best friends next to her. Despite Jaejoong’s fears, he was welcomed by everyone that recognized him, but after the obligatory greeting, none of the guests approached him, which suited Jae just fine. They stared and whispered though. Yunho could tell that it bothered Jae a bit.

The four of them sat at a table and watched as Changmin and his new bride had their pictures taken. Changmin couldn’t stop smiling.

“I’ve never seen him this happy,” Junsu said.

Suddenly Changmin gestured over to their table. The photographer turned and grinned. As Changmin walked over to them, Yoochun muttered, “This kid really has a death wish.”

“Photos?” Jae asked before Changmin could.

He nodded.

Jae stood up. “What we do for our friendships, huh?”

Yoochun snarled at Changmin.

“Come on, Chunnie,” Junsu whined. “You’ve been in a bad mood all day, and I’m trying to have fun and you’re ruining it.” He ended with a pout and foot stamp.

Yoochun shut his eyes and took a deep breath. Junsu’s pout turned into a victorious smile, and then was back to a pout just as quickly when Yoochun looked at him.

“I’m sorry, honey.” He looked at Changmin. “Can I give him a hug?”

“Yeah.”

Yoochun wrapped Junsu up in a hug. Junsu winked at Changmin and grinned again.

Yunho choked back his laughter. He had a feeling that Yoochun wouldn’t cause any more problems today.

The photos weren’t all that bad. Jae of course required the least direction of them, but Yunho felt that by the end of it, he was doing pretty well.

“You boys look amazing,” the photographer said. “Changmin, sir, I’m going to do a few extras, free of charge, because I can’t let this opportunity pass up.”

“You better clear it with Sahar. She’s the one in charge.”

The photographer ran off to find Sahar.

He was right though. They all did look pretty good. Besides the silk shirts, and slacks and jackets, the designer had added a few accessories to their outfits. Yunho had to wear a tie and she had thrown a scarf around Jae’s neck, commenting that he had the neck for scarves. Both Yoochun and Junsu got little bow ties, yet another reason why Changmin was soon to die. The hairstylist had done an amazing job on Yoochun’s hair too. At first she was a bit upset because it was so uneven, but with some work (and the help of some scissors), Yoochun’s hair fell into his eyes and curled around his cheeks. Junsu’s hair had just been spiked. Changmin looked the best, being the groom. But that also meant that he had to wear a dark purple shirt and a dark pink vest to complement the colors of the wedding.

Jae knocked him in the shoulder. “What are you thinking about?”

“We look good.”

“You guys have always looked good. Just remember, Yunho, from someone that knows, clothes don’t make the man.”

“I know that. You looked like nothing more than a stuck up, rich boy when I first saw you.”

“I was a stuck up, rich boy when you first saw me.”

The photographer returned, followed closely by Sahar. Apparently, she wasn’t going to give up this chance to get more photos of them either. They were shuttled from one area of the garden to another. Posed by statues, on benches, on the ground.

Yoochun’s patience was wearing thin. But the angrier he got, the more the photographer praised his eyes or facial expression or body language.

Yunho felt that the entire thing was terribly uncomfortable.

Finally, Sahar was satisfied, and she pulled Changmin away and back to the circle of her family, and the four of them found their way back to their table.

“That wasn’t so bad, now was it, Chunnie?” Jae asked.

Yoochun snarled at him. A waiter appeared with champagne and Yoochun downed it.  
Jae scoffed. “Finesse, Yoochun-shi.”

“Finesse can kiss my ass. I want to go home.”

“Me, too,” Junsu said, “so I can kiss your ass and tell finesse to go get it elsewhere.”

Yoochun laughed and relaxed when Junsu took his hand on the table.

“Thank you, Chunnie,” Junsu said. “I’ve had a lot fun today, but it wouldn’t have been the same without you.”

Jae suddenly stood and bowed. Yunho turned and saw a man just behind him. He too rose, and YooSu was quick to follow.

Lee SooMan was an imposing man with calculating eyes and elegant air. He inclined his head and then said, “Kim Jaejoong-shi, it’s been a long time.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Still singing?”

“No, sir.”

“That’s too bad. You were really quite good.”

“Thank you, sir.”

“So you’re friends with my new son-in-law.”

“Yes, sir. We met up at the farm.”

“And how is life up there?”

“Fulfilling, sir.”

Lee SooMan’s eyes settled on Yunho and then Yoosu. “It’s good that Changmin-shi had men such as yourselves to look after him while he was earning his place in our world. Will your family be at the reception on Friday?”

“Considering that I haven’t talked to my family for awhile, I have no idea, sir.”

“And how long do you plan on not being part of your family?”

“I was disowned, sir, so forever.”

“Well, feel free to drink as much as you want. Good day, gentlemen.”

They all bowed as he walked way.

Jae collapsed in his chair. “Ten thousand won says he’s going to call my father as soon it’s appropriate.”

“Joongie, what did he mean?” Junsu asked. “About the singing.”

Jae waved his hand in dismissal. “My friends and I used to sing and dance to popular songs. Lee Sooman was in a meeting with my father and heard us. He tried for a good six months to sign me, but my father refused.”

“Really? That’s cool.”

Jae shrugged. “We were young, spoiled teenagers. I wanted to and then pouted and didn’t talk to my father for weeks when he told me I wasn’t allowed.”

“Will you sing for us?”

Jae smiled. “No, I don’t sing anymore.”

“So? Kangin can’t sing and that doesn’t stop him.”

“Maybe when we get home,” Jae said. “Is it time to go home yet?”

“No,” Yoochun spat and pouted.


	9. Jaejoong's Invitation

**JAEJOONG**

_Soft hands ran through Jae’s hair and over his face.  
Familiar, but not the hands he needed. He needed calluses scraping down his stomach. Rough fingers slick with lube sliding inside him.  
He needed strong arms wrapped around him, firm hands settling at his hips or back or shoulders. Clutching at him._

_2 ¼ years earlier …_

Jae stared at the invitation in his hand. Blue swirls and orange lilies adorned the cream paper. A piece of vellum protected the picture inside. Jae sighed and tossed it onto the bed. From inside the invitation, another paper slipped out. Jae unfolded it.

_Dear Joongie,  
I know you probably won’t show up, but I really do want you to come. Yes, for the entertainment, but I also want to do another F5 performance. Who knows when we’ll all be together again to do one? Maybe when we’re 50 and happily divorced. Ha!  
I still think you should come home and that man you’re fucking isn’t worth it, but I promise that Hyukkie and I will be nice if you two do decide to come. I make no promises about Heechul.  
I also want you to come because my future wife doesn’t want you there, and I’ll do anything to make my marriage as miserable as possible, so she’ll leave me the hell alone.  
Love you forever,  
Your Fishy_

Jae smiled. And F5 performance? Only Donghae would do that on his wedding day. He looked at the date for the wedding and cringed. Two weeks away. Right in the middle of planting. Well, he better go talk to Jonghyun. He kept the invitation, but placed the letter from Donghae in a side compartment of his chest. There were two others in there. The one from his father, and the one he received a month ago from Siwon. He fingered it, thought of reading it again, but knew it was pointless. He had it memorized.

_… passed away last night at about eight p.m. She dwells with God and watches over you, always remember …_

Jae shook himself and headed to the door. It opened as he reached for the handle, and he jumped back in surprise. The man on the other side of the door was shorter than Jae, and had short black hair, impeccably styled. Black framed glasses magnified brown eyes. There was a dimple on the left side of him mouth.

“Hello,” he said and bowed.

“Hey,” Jae said. “You must be Leeteuk.”

“Yeah.”

“My name is Jaejoong.”

“Oh, someone.” His face scrunched like he was thinking. “Yooshum.”

“Yoochun.”

“That’s right. He said you’d be up here and show me which bed is mine.”

“It’s that one,” Jae said and pointed. “You’ll be sharing with Kangin.”

“What? Sharing?”

“We all share,” Jae said. “There are ten of us, and only five beds. If you don’t like it, you’ll have to arrange something with Kangin because all the other beds are taken.”

“Well, as they say, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

Jae grinned. “Right. And you better not be homophobic.”

His eyes widened. “Is Kangin—”

Jae laughed. “No, Kangin isn’t, but we do outnumber you straight boys around here. There’s six of us. Only four of you.”

Leeteuk laughed. It was loud and long, but full of happiness, and it made Jae smile.

“Well, it was good to meet you,” Jae said and slapped Leeteuk on the shoulder. “The trunk to the left of the bed is yours.”

“Thanks, Jaejoong.”

Jae went down stairs. Yunho was curled in an armchair in the main room reading a book. Jae moved the book, arranged himself in his lap and showed him the invitation.

Yunho’s eyebrows rose. “Are you going?”

“Do you want to?”

“No.”

Jae frowned and then sighed. Yunho pulled him closer, and Jae sat his head on his shoulder. “Donghae wrote me a letter,” Jae said. “He really wants me to come, and he said that if we did go, he and Hyukkie would be nice. And that’s true. They won’t start anything with all those people around.”

“Do you want to go?” Yunho asked.

Jae stood and paced. “Part of me does. I mean, shit, Yunho, I know that … crap, how do I say this? Once you’re out of their world, you only get invited back on rare occasions, and—”

“That’s a really superficial reason.”

“I know, but it’s the truth. I love my life now, but I do miss it. And I miss my friends. I miss Siwon and Eunhae and Heechul.”

Yunho made a noise of protest.

Jae waved a hand at him in dismissal. “Not like that. It’s just … we were best friends since we were babies. He hasn’t always been a bastard, well, he has but—”

Yunho laughed. “I’ll go with you, but only to make sure Heechul keeps his hands off you.”

Jae sat back in his lap and kissed him. Chastely, but then harder as Yunho’s hands moved to his hips.

“Good hell,” Kibum muttered behind them. “I can’t go anywhere around here without seeing two guys with their tongues down each others’ throats.”

Jae pulled away. “Jealous, Bummie?”

“Of privacy? Yeah. I may start sleeping in the barn.”

“What about Hangeng?”

Kibum’s face lit up in a smile.

Jae and Yunho exchanged a look. “Is there something you’re not telling us, Bummie?” Yunho said.

“No. I just haven’t seen him all winter. It’ll be good to have him back.”

Only KyuMin had returned. Hangeng wrote saying that he would arrive in a couple of days. And according to Yunho, Kangin always waited to come back until the day before he had to.

Jae sighed. “Only a few more days of Kangin-free bliss. Did you guys meet the new guy?”

“New guy?” Yunho said as Kibum said yes.

“Yeah, his name is Leeteuk. He seemed cool. Good looking, in a way, I guess. Not my type though,” he added quickly and gave Yunho a kiss on the cheek.

Yoosu walked into the room. “What’s up?”

“Jae wants me to go to his friend’s wedding reception in two weeks,” Yunho said.

Yoochun made a face as they sat on a sofa. “Better you than me.”

Junsu smiled. “Maybe Minnie will be there!”

“He’ll definitely be there,” Jae said. “The only daughter and son-in-law to Lee Sooman would not miss the wedding of the season.”

“It will be nice to see Changmin again,” Yunho said.

“Give him kisses for me,” Junsu said.

Yoochun waggled his fingers at Yunho. “You’re going to have to dress up again.”

Yunho shrugged. “I don’t mind.”

“It’s a good thing Mr. Lee Sooman let us keep our awesome clothes,” Junsu said.

Yoochun scowled. “I really wish you’d let me burn mine.”

“No way! If anything, I like peeling them off you.”

“At least they’re good for one thing.”

The days went by way too fast for Jae’s liking. Hangeng’s return was accompanied by excess drinking of some strong Chinese liquor he brought as a gift. Jae’s head was pounding from the sunlight streaming in the attic windows. A sharp burst of pain accompanied the door slamming open and Kangin’s voice ringing, “Hey! Who missed me?”

Jae wasn’t the only one that groaned.

“Fuck you guys. Who the hell is this?”

Jae cracked an eye open and saw Kangin shove Leeteuk in the shoulder. The smaller man almost fell off the bed. He blinked, trying to wake up, and then looked up at Kangin with a grimace.

“I’m Leeteuk,” he coughed.

“Well, Leeteuk, get the fuck out of my bed.”

“They said I was sharing with you.”

“You can sleep on the floor.” Kangin threw two pillows on the floor.

Yunho sighed deeply and stood up. “Kangin,” he said in warning.

Kangin made a face at him. “What?”

“You’ve been gone for the last three months. You’re here for five minutes and already you’re in charge? Get over yourself.”

Kangin scowled at him. “I don’t want to share a bed.”

“You’ve been sharing it for four years. Don’t bully Leeteuk just because he doesn’t know you. The rest of us won’t stand for that.”

“Damn right,” Yoochun said.

“Well, this is quite a welcome,” Kangin said, and turned his back on them. He put his things in his chest.

Yunho walked over to Leeteuk. “You okay?”

Leeteuk stood up. “Yeah. I’m going to go shower.”

Yunho waited until the door shut and then said, “Damn it, Kangin, you’re only here for five seconds and you’re already causing problems. Leeteuk is a nice guy. Don’t you dare let me find out you’ve been mean to him.”

“He’ll keep his mouth shut if he knows what’s good for him.”

“And you’ll find yourself different employment.”

“Who says you’re in charge? I am older than you.”

Yunho shook his head and turned away. “I refuse to be baited into power battles with you. If you want to be in charge, then earn everybody’s respect.”

Kangin snarled, slammed his chest shut, and plopped on his bed.

Yunho came back to bed, and Jae curled around him, tucking his head on Yunho’s chest. “Well done,” he whispered.

Yunho rolled his eyes. “Now I’m going to be pissed off all day.”

“Guess I’ll have to drag you to the river and make you happy then.”

“Right now?” Yunho asked with a hopeful hint in this voice.

Jae laughed. “No, let’s go eat breakfast first.” Jae stood and rummaged in his chest for clothes. He didn’t notice that the letter from Donghae had fluttered to the floor until Yunho asked, “F5?”

Jae flipped around, laughed a bit and then continued dressing. “You remember that really popular drama a few years ago?”

“I loved Boys Before Flowers,” Junsu squealed. “Yoon Jihoo and So YiJung were so cute!”

“Well, as soon as that show started, all the girls started calling Heechul, Siwon, Donghae and me the real F4. When Eunhyuk moved in, we became the F5. I told you we used to sing and dance and stuff, right?”

Yunho nodded.

“We named our group F5.”

“So Donghae wants you guys to perform at his reception?”

“Looks like it.”

“So I’m going to get to hear you sing and watch you dance?”

Jae rolled his eyes. “Yeah.”

“I retract all grumblings about having to go. This definitely makes it worth it.”

Jae laughed.

“We look like an F5 in that picture,” Junsu said and gestured to the picture hanging above his bed. It was one taken at Changmin’s wedding. Changmin had sent it to the four of them only two weeks after his wedding. A black sheet had been spread out on the grass. Jae was lying on his side, his head on Yunho’s shoulder, their hands stretched out and touching. Yoochun and Junsu were lying with their heads on Jae’s legs. Changmin was behind him. Jae remembered that it was the one that took the most direction and the longest to set up. It was a fantastic picture.

Junsu pouted. “Now, I want to go. I want to hear Joongie sing.”

Jae cleared his throat, and sang, “No, you don’t.”

Junsu squealed. “More!”

“It’s awful. I haven’t sung in such a long time.” He ended on a low note.  
Junsu turned to his boyfriend and said, “Chunnie, let him sing your songs. Please?”

“No.”

“Come on, they’d sound so pretty.”

Yoochun turned to Jae. “No offense, but no.”

Jae shrugged and sang, “None taken.”

“God, shut the fuck up,” Kangin shouted.

“Now I think I’ll sing all day,” Jae held the note and then continued, “just to piss off Kangin.”

“You’re pissing me off, too,” Sungmin said suddenly. “High notes and hangovers do not go well together.”

“Sorry, sorry,” Jae sang, and then hummed instead.

Kyuhyun sat up enough to rub Sungmin’s neck and shoulders. “Don’t worry, hyung. I’ll take care of you today.”

Yunho wrapped an arm around Jae and kissed him. “You should definitely sing more often.”

“When we sneak off to the river later, you can make me sing,” Jae replied.


	10. Yunho's Second Taste of Luxury

**YUNHO**

_Yunho climbed into his waiting taxi and told the driver the destination. He looked out the window but saw nothing more than lights streaking past. Why was he making a big deal about this? He remembered how closely Jae was sitting to Heechul. The soft touch of Heechul’s delicate hand on Jae’s knee.  
Oh, yeah. That’s why.  
  
2 ¼ years earlier …_

“Babe. Babe. Yunnie? It’s time to get up.”

Yunho struggled against the soft voice in his ear and buried his face in his pillow. Soft fingers ran down his back. That was nice. He could go back to sleep. The fingers dug nails in and dragged them across his shoulders.

Yunho jerked alert with a cry. “That hurt.”

He glared at Jaejoong’s smiling face. “Sorry, babe, but it’s time to get ready.”

Yunho flopped back on his stomach. “I’d rather go back to sleep.”

Jae placed small openmouthed kisses along his back. “Get up before Leeteuk beats you to the bathroom. We’ll miss our train if he does.”

Yunho sighed and let Jae kiss, then he pushed to his hands and knees, stretched and climbed out of bed. It was his fault they were going anyway. He could have said no.

He should have said no.

Yunho was only in the shower for five minutes before Leeteuk was pounding on the door. Most of the guys just showered after work, but after the first day, Leeteuk decided that wasn’t enough and showered in the morning too. He spent half of the lunch break fixing his hair and getting presentable again.

“Hurry, Yunnie,” Leeteuk whined.

Yunho shut the water off, wrapped a towel around him and let Leeteuk have control of the bathroom.

Jae was already half dressed, in the same slacks they wore at Changmin’s wedding, but again he was having problems with the shirt. There were more choices on the bed than Yunho was expecting.

“Where’d you get those?” he asked.

“They’re Leeteuk’s. He’s letting me borrow one.”

“The green one, Jae,” Junsu said.

“The dark orange one would look better,” Sungmin said.

“You’ll look like a gay, nancy boy no matter what,” Kangin said. “Just put some fucking clothes on.”

“What should I wear, Yunnie?” Jae asked in a whiny voice. He was even pouting.

Yunho shook his head. “God, you’re such a girl when it comes to clothes.”

Jae shot him a look while the other guys laughed.

Yunho smiled an apology. “Wear the green one. Now, what should I wear?”

“See if I help you now,” Jae said and buttoned up the green shirt.

“Yunho hyung.”

Yunho turned to the sound of Kyuhyun’s deep, quiet voice. He held out a dark red shirt. “Sungmin and I thought you would look good in this shirt. It’s mine, so it should fit you.”

“Thanks.”

Yunho started dressing. He slipped the red shirt on and started buttoning it up.  
Yoochun let out a low whistle. “Damn, Yunnie, that color looks good on you.”

Junsu made a fanning motion against his face and then dramatically swooned onto the bed. “So hot,” he murmured.

Yunho grinned and turned to Jae. He swallowed at the hungry look in those brown eyes. “Looks good,” Jae said and licked his lips.

“Stop eye-fucking each other,” Kangin said harshly.

Jae leaned in, gave him a quick kiss and said, “Kangin is right. We don’t have time for any kind of fucking. Hey, Kyu, you don’t mind if he returns it with some stains on it later, do you?”

Kyuhyun smiled. “If that’s the case, hyung, keep it.”

Jae picked up his coat. He look at it in disgust, and then threw it to the bed. “If we keep going to these functions, I’m going to have to go splurge on a proper trench coat.”

\-----

A taxi dropped them off in front of a large estate house. Its yellow body stood out against the black sleek limousines in the drive. A butler bowed to them, acknowledged their invitation, and then ushered them in the door. Another took their coats for them, and then another led them to the ballroom. Soft classical music wafted down the hallway.

Jae was shaking, so Yunho took his hand.

“We can always leave right now,” Yunho said.

Jae tried to smile. The servant bowed them through a large set of double doors.

Yunho glanced around the immaculately decorated space and the immaculately dressed people, and immediately knew why Jae was so uncomfortable. Sure, they looked good at the farm, but here, they were sorely underdressed.

Blue and peach colored streamers, flowers and balloons scrolled along the walls, ceiling and tables. There was a dance floor and a stage where a live band was playing. A long table was covered in silver platters. Waiters wove through the guests with trays full of champagne.

“JOONGIE!”

They both turned as Donghae flew at them. He didn’t kiss Jae on the lips this time, but still hugged him tightly and kissed his cheek. And then to Yunho’s utter astonishment, he offered his hand. Yunho took it.

“Hey, the farm boy! Yunho, right?”

He nodded.

“Welcome. I’m glad you guys could make it.”

“Joongie!”

A girl in a pink dress threw herself at Jae, and he held her tightly. Yunho watched with narrowed eyes.

Donghae laughed. “That’s my wife. Heechul was right; you are overprotective.”

The girl finally backed off and kissed Jae’s cheek. “I’m completely pissed that you actually showed up because now you’re totally going to steal some of my spotlight and this is my wedding day, but I’m also very glad to see you, so instead of tossing you out like I planned on, I’m going to drag you over to the other girls and let you explain to Soonya why she has to marry Eunhyuk instead of you.”

She turned to Yunho. “I guess if I throw the farm boy out, you’ll leave, too.”

“Damn right,” Jae said.

“Whatever,” she said and waved her hand at Yunho. “Just don’t get all feely with each other.  
I’m having a hard enough time keeping Eunhae off each other.”

She dragged Jae off. He shot an apologetic look at Yunho.

“I still think you’re scum,” Donghae said, “but try to have fun, okay? We really don’t need some gay, emo, farm boy spoiling everything.”

Donghae went in the direction of Jae and his wife, whose name Yunho didn’t catch, and Yunho followed. Three more girls all hugged Jae at once. And then Eunhyuk and Siwon took a turn.

Yunho didn’t see Heechul with the group.

He was introduced to all the girls. Donghae’s wife was Sunny. Soonya glared at him from a chair. She crossed her leg and waved it in irritation. She held a champagne glass in one hand and a lit cigarette in the other. She was pretty with long hair twisted up into spirals. Her brown eyes narrowed.

“So you’re the reason why I have to marry Eunhyuk instead of Jaejoong?”

“Soonya,” Jae said. “Don’t you dare blame him. It was my decision. I didn’t even meet him until after I left.”

She sniffed. “Whatever, Jae. I guess I should thank him for keeping me from marrying someone stupid like you.”

More than one in the group said her name in admonishment.

“Can you blame me?” she practically shouted. “I have to marry Eunhyuk.” Her voice fell and she repeated it. “I have to marry Eunhyuk.”

“Lucky you,” Donghae said and blew Eunhyuk a kiss.

She rolled her eyes.

“And lucky me,” Eunhyuk said. He turned to Yunho. “I should thank you. If it wasn’t for you, I’d never get to marry Soonya.”

“Um, you’re welcome?” Yunho offered.

Donghae laughed. “God, I love his ignorance.”

“Donghae,” Jaejoong said.

He waved a hand. “Calm down, Jae. Look, farm boy, you don’t get it. Eunhyuk here is new money. He wasn’t born into it; his father got lucky, so being married to Eunhyuk isn’t the greatest move status-wise. Sex wise.” He made an obscene noise. “Absolutely fantastic. Talk about deep throating.”

Donghae ignored the sounds of disgust from Soonya and Sunny and continued, “But for Soonya it’s the opposite. She’s old money. So being married to her is great for the status, but not for the sex. That girl cannot give head to save her life.”

“You shut the fuck up, Donghae,” Soonya said. She stood, flicked her cigarette at Donghae, who just barely dodged it, and stomped away.

The other girls followed her, and as Sunny passed, she said, “See what you’ve done now, Jae?”

“How is this my fault?” Jae said. “Donghae invited me.”

Donghae laughed. “I told you it would be fun, didn’t I?”

“Where’s Heechul?” Jae asked very carefully.

Yunho stiffened. Donghae looked at him from the corner of his eye.

Siwon replied, “He took off as soon as he saw you. I’m sure he’s around.”

“He better be. If he leaves before our performance, I’ll kill him,” Donghae said.

“You do know that’s the only reason I’m here, right?” Jae said.

“Heechul?” Eunhyuk said in surprise.

“No, the performance.”

Donghae shrugged. “I couldn’t care less if you came or not. Now it’s just going to be a bit more fun.”

“WHAT?”

They all turned at the yell.

“Oh, fuck,” Jae said, slumping in his seat.

Donghae laughed.

“What?” Yunho said.

“His father,” Donghae said.

They all stood as an irate, short man approached them. He glared at Jae while addressing Donghae. “Didn’t I make it clear that he was no longer part of my family, Donghae?”

“Yes, sir, but that doesn’t make him any less my friend.”

“I expect this trash to be removed from the premises immediately.”

“Good thing we’re not in your house then, isn’t it?”

“You’re an insufferable brat.”

“And you, with all do respect, sir, are a guest in my home, as is Jaejoong and his boyfriend Yunho.”

Yunho mentally cringed when those eyes swung to him.

“Oh, have you two not been introduced?” Donghae said, laughter in his voice. “Jung Yunho this is Mr. Kim Yoojoong. He is Jaejoong’s father.”

“Was,” Jae said quickly.

Donghae nodded. “He was Jae’s father.”

“You ungrateful whelp. I will not allow this blatant—“”

“Don’t make me call security, Mr. Kim Yoojoong,” Donghae said. “I expect all my guests to be treated with respect.”

Mr. Kim swung on his foot, and they caught, “We’ll see what your father has to say about this,” before he stormed off.

Donghae and Eunhyuk dissolved into fits of giggles.

“Holy shit,” Dongahe said. “That was even more fun than I imagined it.”

Yunho ignored them and turned to Jae who was again slumped in his seat, rubbing a hand over his eyes. “You okay?” he whispered.

“No, but I’ll be alright. I haven’t seen him in a year, if you’ll remember.”

“Hyungs?” Siwon said. “Do you need a drink? I’ll go get you a drink.”

“Just water,” Jae called after him.

“Get drunk,” Donghae said.

Jae shook his head. “No way.”

“Why not?”

“I’m not going to be anywhere near Heechul if I’m drunk. I might kill him.” Jae suddenly sat up and looked around the ballroom.

“What?” Eunhyuk asked.

“Is Shim Changmin here?”

Donghae laughed. “That buffoon? Yeah. Him and Sahar. Man, I can’t believe Lee Sooman let his daughter marry that.”

Yunho kept his mouth shut, but he must have made some noise because Donghae and Jae looked over at him.

“He is very protective,” Donghae said.

“It’s how he treats everyone he calls a friend,” Jae said. “Do you want to dare the masses and go find Changmin?”

Yunho sighed. “Not particularly, but I did promise Junsu to give him hugs and kisses.”

Jae grinned and stood. “Come on. I know you. There are only so many Donghae insults you can handle before you’re going to be kicking his ass, and that would be bad.”

Donghae scoffed. “Security would be here in two seconds.”

“That’s enough time to bloody your nose,” Yunho said.

Jae took his hand and led him away.

“At least he’s hot,” Eunhyuk said behind them, but Donghae scoffed.

Jae laughed. They walked, hand-in-hand, among the stares and whispers, but Yunho held his head high. Jae said hello to people he knew, and many of them stopped him to ask about how he was and to say how much they missed him. Yunho could tell that most of it was bullshit. That they all wondered why in the hell he’d leave this life for the one he chose. And just like at Changmin’s wedding, they whispered and pointed and looked at him, sometimes even when he was looking right at them.

Yunho finally spotted Changmin. He wore a black, pinstriped suit, a simple white shirt, and black tie. Simple, yes, but Yunho guessed that tie cost more than his whole outfit. Changmin looked a bit uncomfortable and kept tugging at his blazer. Sahar was on his arm, pretty in a bright blue dress. Her tight curls pulled up around her face. He nudged Jae and indicated the direction with his head.

Jae looked, smiled and said to an older woman who was talking to him, “Sorry, but I see an old friend. It was very nice to see you again.”

Changmin saw them coming. His face broke into a huge smile. He left Sahar’s side, and came to them. Throwing all grace aside, he hugged Yunho tightly and even lifted him off the ground a bit. He did the same to Jae.

“It’s so good to see both of you again,” he said, still clutching at Jae. “I can’t even tell you how much I miss you or the farm. It was hard work, but so much simpler than trying to fit into this high society shit.”

Sahar cleared her throat, and Changmin quickly let Jae go.

“Shim Sahar,” Jae said and bowed low. “It’s so good to see you again.”

Yunho copied him.

“Yes, well, you two picked a rather conspicuous event to cause some ruckus. People are already whispering about it, and now that Changmin has practically mauled you in the middle of the ballroom, we’re going to be dragged into it.”

“Sorry, love,” Changmin said, “but right now, I just don’t care.” He put an arm around Yunho and steered him toward the banquet tables. “I’ve been hungry since we got here, and I’m going to go eat. You mingle all you want. I’ll meet up with you later.”

Yunho glanced back. Sahar was scowling at them.

“Problems?” Jae asked.

“Only when we come to one of these functions, which is about every other week. She knows I don’t like it, and she knows I don’t fit in, but she expects me to anyway. I try my best, and I think I’ve done pretty well, but then we get home, and she tells me what I’ve done wrong and what I need to work on to improve. Honestly, I’d rather pull weeds all day than try to learn etiquette.”

Jae laughed. “It is a very precise skill.”

They picked up glass plates and filled them with meats and eggrolls and things Yunho didn’t know the names of. There were no empty tables, so Jae led them across the floor and they sat in the window sills and ate their food. The stuff Yunho didn’t like, Changmin ate for him.

“Honestly, Jae,” Yunho said. “Are you alright?”

Jae shut his eyes and sighed.

“What happened?” Changmin asked.

“Besides his friends being assholes and his father calling him a piece of trash, not much.”

Changmin laid a hand on Jae’s knee in support.

Jae put his hand over it and smiled. “I’m alright. I figure that I won’t see anyone here for a great long while, so what the fuck, huh?”

They sat by the window and talked for almost an hour. Changmin told him about being married: “I really do love her. She’s just impossible!” They told him about the farm: “You should see Kangin and Leeteuk. They’re actually friends!”

Changmin sighed. “I really miss it there. Hopefully I’ll be able to visit soon.”

Jae’s reply was cut off by a screech from a microphone, and then Donghae’s laughter. He stood on stage, a glass of champagne in his hand. “Sorry,” he said with a laugh. “Could the members of F5 please join me on stage?”

“F5?” Changmin said.

Yunho grinned. “Yep. The only reason I’m here.”

Jae stood up. “I thought you came to keep Heechul’s hands off me?”

“Secondary, love. Secondary.”

Yunho watched as Jae joined them onstage. He gave Eunhyuk a low five. They formed a circle, and then broke apart. Eunhyuk handed out microphones, and they all checked to make sure they worked.

“We’re going to put on a little show for you guys,” Donghae said while taking off his tux jacket. The others copied him. “We haven’t performed this together since we were eighteen or so, but I assure you, none of us have forgotten the joys of F5.”

Heechul undid the cuffs on his shirt and rolled up his sleeves. Eunhyuk just pulled the dress shirt off, leaving him in a white tank. Jae untucked his shirt.

“I can’t believe we’re doing this,” Heechul said into the mic.

“I can’t believe we don’t do this more often,” Eunhyuk replied.

“Thank god,” someone shouted from the crowd amid laughter.

Suddenly the lights went out. A spotlight ran around the stage as the familiar chords of H.O.T.’s _Line Up_ echoed around the room.

Donghae sang first, and Yunho had to admit that he was pretty good, but then Jae started singing. His voice was perfect. Every note was hit right. Heechul and Eunhyuk rapped. Siwon sang and then Jae again. Through the whole song, it was like the world stopped whenever Jae started singing. The dancing was amazing. Yunho recognized it as the song that he caught Jae dancing to a couple months ago. And he was right: Eunhyuk and Donghae really knew how to move. They really had practiced this over and over. Half way through the song, Jae had a solo. His voice rang through the ballroom. He held the last note and pulled the mic away from his mouth.

“Holy shit!” Changmin shouted next to him.

Yunho nodded.

The song ended to raucous applause and screaming by the girls. Yunho added his own whistle to it.

“I wish I could sing that well,” Changmin said.

The guys bowed. They high fived, hit their fists and gave hugs. As they said thank you, Siwon said, “Guys. Let’s do one more.”

“No,” Heechul said as the crowd cheered.

“Come on,” Eunhyuk said.

“Yeah,” Jae said. “One more.”

Donghae grinned. “The groom wants one more, so we’re doing one more.”

Heechul rolled his eyes.

Donghae gathered them all together again. Whispers could be heard through the mics, and then Heehcul shouted, “No way!”

Donghae moved to the side, whispered to the DJ and then came back. They all stood in a line again. This time H.O.T.’s _Candy_ started.

More than half the crowd laughed. They performed this song as well as they did the hard core one. Eunhyuk and Donghae were flirting with the girls, acting like real rocks stars, kneeling to get closer to them, and then winking. Only Heechul’s dancing lacked a bit of luster in the performance, but his voice was really good. Again, Jae outshone them, hitting high notes and dance steps perfectly.

Yunho could understand why Lee Sooman had wanted to sign them.

The song ended to even louder applause. Then Donghae said, “Thank you very much. We’ll now turn the time back to our deejay. Get dancing, people”

Heavy beats came from the speakers.

Yunho watched as the five guys on stage linked their arms and put their heads together again. They did some weird swaying and jumping routine, and then broke apart. Eunhyuk and Donghae immediately jumped off the stage and started dancing. Siwon got off the stage more majestically.

When Jae moved, Heechul grabbed his arm, pulled him close and whispered something. Jae shook his head. But Heechul wouldn’t let go. Jae’s eyes narrowed. He said something. Heechul shot his eyes around the ballroom, flung Jae’s arm away, and stalked off the stage. Jae dropped onto the dance floor. A few girls tried to dance with him, but he peeled them off and headed toward them.

Yunho smiled. “That was amazing. You guys are really good.”

“Yeah,” Changmin said. “Really, really good.”

“Nah,” Jae said and shrugged. “It’s just for fun.” His hair was wet with sweat and the green shirt stuck to his back.

“What did Heechul say to you?”

Jae downed a glass of champagne. “He asked me to go outside with him to talk. I told him I wasn’t interested in talking to him. I reminded him of the gossip and the eyes watching us, and then left.”

Yunho glowered. “Damn asshole.”

“Jaejoong-shi.”

They turned and then immediately bowed and gave greetings to Lee Sooman.

“That was quite a performance,” he said. “I could have made a lot of money off you boys.”

“Thank you, sir.”

“You’re a man on your own now, Jaejoong-shi. Free to make your own decisions and not be governed by this life.” Lee Sooman handed Jae a business card. “Keep in touch. Gentlemen.” He nodded and left them.

Jae looked at the card.

“Did he just tell you to go audition?” Changmin asked. “A personal invite?”

Yunho met Jae’s eyes. “Quite a chance.”

Jae shrugged. “Yeah.”

“Jae!” They turned to Donghae’s voice. He dropped an arm around Jae’s shoulder and said, “That was fantastic. We couldn’t have done it without you. Now, do me a favor and leave, alright?”

Jae pulled away from him. “Oh, so, it’s ‘you’ve done your duty, now go away.’? Fuck you, Donghae.”

Donghae winced and then scowled. “Look, Sunny is threatening to withhold sex from me tonight, and the sooner I can get her pregnant, the sooner I don’t have to touch her again.”

Jae shook his head. “Come on, Yunho. Let’s see if we can get on an earlier train.”

“That’s a good man,” Donghae said, slapped him on the back and walked off.

“You’re so lucky,” Changmin said.

“Why?”

He gestured with his head to an irritated Sahar coming in their direction. “You get to leave.”  
Yunho and Jae headed for the door. Jae was stopped a few times as he said his goodbyes.

Eunhyuk and Siwon came to give him a hug. It was a few minutes before they were out in the large hallway.

Yunho took a deep breath. “That wasn’t so bad.”

“It’s about to get worse,” Jae said in distaste.

Heechul was stalking toward them. “God, I hate seeing you two together.”

“I’m not doing this tonight, Heechul,” Jae said. “I’m not causing a scene at Donghae’s wedding.”

“It’s what he wanted, so why the hell not?”

Jae didn’t stop, but grabbed Yunho’s arm and propelled them through the hallway.

“Damn it, Jae, I just want to talk to you,” Heechul said behind him.

“You always end up insulting either me or Yunho, so no thanks.”

“I’m sorry, alright?” Heechul was yelling now. “You were right.”

Jae stopped and turned around.

“You were right,” Heechul said more quietly. “It wasn’t worth losing you. I’m sorry I didn’t see it before, when you said that you loved me. But Yoojin isn’t worth it, being married isn’t worth it, and the money isn’t worth it. You are worth it. And I fucked that up. And I’m sorry.”

Yunho held his breath.

Jae laughed. It was an incredulous, pissed-off laugh. “Maybe if you spent more time listening to me instead of fucking me, you would have figured it out a lot sooner. Let’s get the fuck out of here, Yunnie.”

“I’ll always love you,” Heechul called from behind them.

Jae was pissed, but he managed to keep control of himself and politely ask that a taxi be called.

They sat on the stairs to wait, cool air fresh after the crowded ballroom. Yunho tried not to think about Heechul’s words. Was this just another ploy to try and get Jae back? Or did he really mean it? And worse, did Jae believe him? If Jae did believe him, would he leave?

“Hold me, would you?” Jae whispered.

Yunho put his arms around Jae.

“I shouldn’t have come,” Jae said. “Why did I think things would be different this time? And why the fuck is Heechul telling me this now?”

 _Good fucking question,_ Yunho thought. He thought about what would happen if Jae left him. Left the farm. His throat closed up, and he suddenly couldn’t breath. His arms tightened.

 _God, no. Please don’t let him leave me. He can’t leave._ He couldn’t handle it, he knew that. Jae was part of him; it’d be like losing a leg. Jae understood him like no one else ever had. He always knew when Yunho needed to be comforted and left alone. He knew when Yunho needed to talk and when a kiss would be better. And god, the kisses. No one had ever memorized every part of his body like Jae had.

He suddenly realized that Jae was crying. Nothing loud, just soft gasps against his chest. He smoothed his hair, kissed his head and whispered nonsense at him until the cab came.


	11. Jaejoong's Opportunity

**JAEJOONG**

“Damn it, Yunho, just drop it,” Jae shouted over the fields. All the guys turned to them. “I’m not going.”

Yunho took a deep breath, and then smiled. “Okay, okay. Waste the chance of a lifetime. You told me yourself it’s what you wanted to do when you were younger.”

“Yeah, when I was younger. Leave it. And don’t get Leeteuk to try to talk me into it either.”

“We’re all going to try to talk you into it,” Yoochun said. “You have a great voice.”

“And we’ll never let up,” Junsu said.

Jae sat back on his heels and rested his hands against his knees.

In a very quiet voice, Yoochun started singing. Junsu squealed in surprise and was immediately quieted by KyuMin and Hangeng. Jae went back to work and listened. Yoochun’s voice grew stronger as the song continued.

“Sing another one,” Junsu commanded when he finished.

KyuMin and Leeteuk echoed him.

Yoochun sang again. This song was more up beat and happy. When Junsu demanded more, Yoochun shook his head. “Only if Jae sings with me.”

Jae shook his head. “I don’t know your songs. You won’t let anyone but Junsu see them.”

“So let’s sing some popular stuff,” Yoochun said, and immediately broke into Gee by SNSD.

The guys laughed, but more than half of them joined in. The singing lasted until lunch break. Even Kangin joined in on a few of the trot songs.

While they ate, it was Kibum that asked, “So you’ll go, right, Jae? I mean, how cool would that be if one of us actually got into SM Entertainment?”

“You might as well,” Leeteuk offered. “I mean, Lee Sooman gave you his personal business card and told you to keep in touch. That’s like a contract right there.”

Jae sighed. “Fine, you guys win. I’ll call him.”

“I wouldn’t,” Kangin said.

“What the hell?” Sungmin shouted. “We just convinced him.”

“Oh, no,” Kangin said. “He should definitely go audition, but don’t call Lee Sooman.”

“Why not?” Yunho demanded. “He said to keep in touch.”

“Yeah, but if he gets in like that, then everyone is going to say it was just because he knows Lee Sooman. You want to get in on your talent, not because of who your father drinks soju with.”

“Never thought I'd say this, but Kangin's got a point,” Yoochun said.

Jae thought about it for the rest of the work day. After dinner he disappeared to the far side of the barn and sat on the grass. He had always wanted to be an entertainer. He’d dreamed of it when he was younger, when he started singing with the guys, and the urge was stronger when F5 formed. After those few weeks of sulking, he thought he’d never get the chance again. And here it was, kicking him in the face.

Did he want to? Yes, but that would mean leaving the farm. Leaving Yunho. Leaving the guys.

God, but the opportunity. He knew that Lee Sooman would sign him tomorrow. Giving him that business card was a guarantee. He didn’t have his father to worry about.

And being a trainee would just be another form of work. Instead of watering, planting, weeding, harvesting, baling, storing and loading, he would be dancing, singing, exercising and performing. Plus he’d be closer to Eunhae and Siwon and Heechul.

Heechul.

Jae sighed. So maybe it wasn’t such a good thing.

He thought back to that night, to Heechul’s pained voice and eyes. Saying that he loved him. Heechul was a good actor; they all were. You had to be to hide your real emotions. Everything was done under a mask. But Heechul had never acted with him. He was pretty straightforward about what he wanted and what he expected. Jae had a hard time deciding if Heechul meant it or not, but even if he did, he had Yunho, and he loved Yunho a lot more than he loved Heechul.

Didn’t he?

Jae put his face in his hands.

He must not if he was seriously contemplating just up and leaving like this. Deserting Yunho to this squalor life to go chase a fleeting dream. But it was such a good opportunity.

“Hey.”

Jae jerked alert as Yoochun sat next to him. “Hey.”

“Beating yourself up?”

Jae scoffed. “You might say that.”

“You and Yunho have been a bit distant with each other since your friend’s wedding. Care to tell me why?”

He thunked his head back against the barn wall and went into a tirade about Heechul. Yoochun listened to all of it, and then said, “Do you believe him?”

“I don’t know, but even if I did, does it matter? I love Yunho.”

“It must matter since you’re so worried about it.”

“God, Chunnie, are you saying I should break up with Yunho?”

“Of course not. How did you get that from my comment? What I am saying is that you need to figure out your current feelings for Heechul. Not the ones from when you were in love with him. Not the ones when you were younger. Your feelings right now. And don’t compare them to your feelings for Yunho. It’s completely separate.”

“But I can’t separate them.”

“Try. Tell me. Tell me about Yunho first.”

“You know him better than I do.”

Yoochun smiled. “No, I don’t. Stop stalling.”

Jae sighed and thought about it. “He’s a great leader. People respect him because he’s earned it.”

“Still comparing, but I’m going to let it slide. Keep going.”

“It’s not comparing. Are you saying he’s not?”

Yoochun shook his head. “Of course not. He is, but what you just told me about Heechul shows that you’re still comparing.”

“Look, Chunnie, if I had a choice, I’d pick Yunho. He’s sincere and thoughtful and strong, but he doesn’t mind showing his weakness. You always know know that he’ll be there next to you, helping you, leading you. If I had known that I was going to meet someone like him by leaving that life I grew up in, I would have left years ago. He makes everything worthwhile.”

“And what about Heechul?”

“I don’t want to talk about Heechul.” Jae stood and started pacing. He needed his iPod.

“You need to.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Look, Jae. Can I tell you a really, really big secret?”

Jae stopped and looked at him.

“I protect Junsu because he was abused and I could have stopped it. I won’t go into details, because those are Junsu’s secrets to tell, but it’s why we’re here. Or at least, why we eventually made our way here. We’ve been on our own since we were sixteen. I just want you to know that if you ever want to talk about what Heechul did to you, you can always talk to either of us.”

Jae gasped. How the hell did he know?

“You’re not denying it, so I know I’m right. Look, Jae. I know you love him, okay, but that doesn’t mean he should hurt you.”

“I’m not talking about this. I’m already fucking pissed off.”

“That’s fine, just remember that, okay?”

Jae waved a hand at him. He couldn’t really be mad at Yoochun; he hadn’t told anyone, so Yoochun must have either noticed some sign or just made a lucky guess. Jae liked to think he’d made a lucky guess, because if he had shown signs of it, that meant that Yunho might figure it out, and Jae really needed to talk to him about it, not have it thrown at him like this.

Yoochun suddenly asked, “Are you afraid that if you leave, Yunho will find someone else?”

Jae stared at him for a moment and then shouted, “Now I am!”

“What about you? If you go and you’re accepted, you’ll be in the big city. Not a tiny farm where the options are limited. Do you think you would have dated Yunho if you had any other options?”

“Damn you, Yoochun. Why are you asking me this?”

“Because these are questions you should be asking yourself.”

“You don’t think I’m not? I just don’t have the answers for them. ‘What if’ is a dangerous game.”

Jae sat back down. “God what if he does find someone else? What if I find someone else? Damn it, now I don’t want to go. Not if that’s going to happen.”

“You’re the only one that would make it happen.”

“Come with me,” Jae said suddenly. “You’ve got a great voice, you write pretty songs.”

Yoochun smiled. “Nah. If had started younger, I might have made something of myself, but I’m too old.

“I’m older than you.”

“Yeah, but I’m already settled. I could never leave Junsu.”

“So I’m being selfish because I want to leave Yunho behind?”

“First off, stop putting words in my mouth. Second, you don’t want to leave Yunho behind. You would take him with you if you could. And third, Junsu is completely different than Yunho. Yunho is strong, Yunho can take care of himself. Junsu, well, Junsu doesn’t function well without me. We’ve been always best friends, always together. I went to visit family one summer when we were twelve. I was gone for a month and Junsu almost died of starvation. Is it healthy that he’s so attached to me? Probably not, but I don’t mind. I enjoy taking care of him. You don’t have to worry about Yunho. He’ll survive without you. He may hate it and he may be a right bastard without the sex, but he’ll survive.”

“But isn’t real love supposed to be about not being able to survive without the other person?”

“Real love is about supporting each other. Being there for each other, but only in the ways that the other person needs. This last year, you’ve learned more about Yunho and cared more about Yunho than anyone else. You know what he needs, you know what he wants. And you give it to him. No matter what it is. Right now, he wants you to do this. He wants you to take a stab at it. He knows that he’ll never be able to give you what you deserve, at least in his mind, but he just wants you to be happy.”

“I am happy.”

“And in ten years, when you and Yunho have a house somewhere, and you know you had this chance and you didn’t take it, will you be happy? Or will you regret it?”

Jae sighed. “I’d regret it.”

“And Yunho would say something like, ‘If only you’d gone to try out,’ and then that would be the reason for all your miseries, and you two would end up miserable and fighting all the time.”

Jae grinned. “I’m sure it will go just like that.”

Yoochun shrugged. “You never know.”

Jae’s smile fell.

“What?”

“It’s just … I’ll miss you guys.”

“You’re acting like you already have a contract.”

Jae looked at him with raised eyebrows.

“Okay, I know,” Yoochun said with a huge smile. “You pretty much do. But man, the guys are so excited for you, Jae. It’s like Kibum said, it would be awesome if one of us actually got into SM Entertainment.”

“I’m not really one of you, though.”

Yoochun raised his eyebrows. “Are you kidding? We all love you. You’re more one of us than you’re one of them, now. Admit it.”

Jae looked away. “I feel like I’m stuck in the middle all the time.”

“Look, Jae, if you do this, if you make it, you’ll be their hero. They’ll be able to tell people, ‘Hey, you know that singer, Kim Jaejoong, yeah, I’ve seen him naked.’”

Jae burst out laughing.

“I’m serious, man. You’ll definitely be their hero.”

Jae stood up. “Come on. My fans are probably worried about us.”

“I actually came out here to ask you something,” Yoochun said as he got to his feet.

“What?”

“I’m pretty embarrassed, but Junsu said that if I didn’t ask you that he would.” Yoochun cleared his throat. “He said I should ask you to sing one of my songs when you audition.”

“I’d be honored.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, if those two songs you sang this morning are an indication of your talent, then I definitely want to sing one.”

Yoochun gave him a small smile. “You know that freaked me out, right? Only Junsu has heard me sing before.”

“Well, it was for a good cause. It convinced me. And it made the day a lot shorter. Did you see Kangin and Leeteuk trying not to dance during that trot song? Yunho and I have a bet on when they start making out.”

Yoochun laughed. “Probably not, but man, I’ve never seen anyone get along with Kangin.”

“He’s been a lot easier to deal with since Leeteuk moved in.”

Jae held the door open as they entered the house. As they moved up the stairs, laughing and singing grew louder. Jae smiled.

Yoochun opened the door to the attic. “Gentlemen,” he said in a regal voice. “I give you your hero.” He bowed.

Jae shoved him while the guys laughed and clapped. “Knock it off. I haven’t even auditioned yet.”

“Did you ask him?” Junsu demanded of Yoochun.

“He said yes.”

Junsu squealed and threw himself at Jae. Jae barely caught him, and turned eyes to Yoochun.

“Just don’t try to feel him up,” Yoochun said with a grin.

Junsu pulled away from his neck and grinned. “So which one do you want to sing? Chunnie has five or six that he’s completely happy with. You should try one of those. You might want to prepare two, just in case they want you to sing a ballad and a pop song.”

Yoochun detached Junsu from Jae’s body and said, “Will you let the man at least rest first? He’s just barely decided to take a chance that’s going to turn his world upside down again. Let him breathe.”

“Sorry, Joongie,” Junsu said and gave him a quick peck on the cheek.

Jae sat down on the bed and started getting comfortable. The noise in the attic was at a dull buzz with an occasional song tossed in when Yunho cleared his throat.

“You’re really going to go?”

“Looks like it.”

“I’m really going to miss you.”

“Why has everyone already said good bye to me? I haven’t even auditioned.”

“You’re just that good,” Yunho said. “We know you’ll make it.”

After a rather uncomfortable silence, Yunho said, “We’re okay, right?”

“Of course, we’re alright,” Jae said and quickly hugged him. “For someone so strong and in control, you sure do need reassurances now and then.”

“I think every boyfriend would want some if they knew their best friend was leaving them.”

“Why don’t I pack my bags right now and go sleep in the barn since I’m already gone?”

“Sorry, Joongie.”

“I know you’re happy for me, and I know that you’ll miss me. I’ll miss you, too. God, Yunho, I love you. If anything kept me from going, it would be you.”

Yunho pushed him away. “No. Don’t you dare stay here for me.”

Jae smiled and kissed his nose. “I will if you ask me to.”

“No. You deserve this chance, and you sure as hell are going to take it.”

“Yes, sir,” Jae said and saluted.

Yunho laughed, threw himself at Jae and pinned him to the bed. They made out until Kibum, Kangin and Leeteuk started throwing stuff at them to get them to stop.

\-----

Three weeks later, Jae finally thought that the guys were going to give it a rest; they stopped pestering him to find out if SM was holding auditions soon.

Yes, he was practicing one of Yoochun’s songs. Only one because Yoochun deemed it the only one worthy. Jae knew better. It was a soft balled called _Love Bye Love_. The message in the song, dealing with breaking up with someone, was not lost on him. He wasn’t about to say goodbye to Yunho. Ever.

But he had a new nickname.

“Hero!” Junsu called. “Leeteuk has something for you.”

A paper was shoved in his face, right over his dinner plate.

“Bottom corner,” Leeteuk said. “Read it out loud.”

Jae cleared his throat and read, “SM Entertainment will be holding open auditions on June—“ He broke off and looked up in surprise.

Leeteuk grinned. “There you go. You’re in.”

The guys cheered, Yunho gave him a one armed hug and a kiss on the cheek.

“That’s only a few weeks away,” Junsu shouted. “Why aren’t you practicing?”

“He’s got to eat, Su,” Sungmin said.

Junsu scoffed. “Trainees don’t need to eat or sleep. Just drive and ambition.”

“I’m not a trainee yet,” Jae said and kept eating.

Junsu dropped to Yoochun’s lap and sulked. Yoochun wrapped his arms around him. “Stop worrying, love,” he said and kissed his cheek. “Hero will be great.”


	12. Yunho's Goodbye

**YUNHO**

It was difficult to sleep during the summer in the best conditions. Heat permeated the attic with only a slight relief coming from the three fans set around the room. Add to that the body heat from two men sharing a bed, and it was damn near impossible to get a good night’s rest without the aid of sex.

It also didn’t help that the next day was the day before your boyfriend went to Seoul to become a trainee in SM Entertainment.

This was why Yunho was surprised when he opened his eyes and realized he had been sleeping. And even more surprised to find out it was past breakfast.

“Sleep well?” Leeteuk asked from across the room. A smirk turned up the corner of his mouth.

Yunho remembered last night. Leeteuk handed him a cup of tea, and he drank it without asking what was inside.

“Fuckers,” he muttered. “Where’s Jae?”

“Note on your chest.”

Yunho rolled over. On a torn piece a paper were the words, **You know where I am**

“Jae told me to tell you to not eat anything and to wear as little as possible.”

Yunho laughed. He bypassed boxers and slid into a pair of low slung blue jeans. The wife beater he put on next barely touched the top of his jeans.

“That will work,” Leeteuk said. “Doesn’t seem like you’ll be wearing it long.”

Yunho laughed as he slipped into his shoes. No socks.

“One of these days I would be really interested in knowing where you two sneak off to.”

“Why? Big plans with Kangin?”

“No,” Teukie denied a little too quickly, and a blush covered his cheeks. “You’re just mysterious.”

“Sure.” Yunho left the room and headed downstairs.

As he passed the living room, Yoochun whistled at him.

“Wow, Yunnie,” Sungmin said, “you might as well be naked.”

“One can wish,” Junsu said and batted his eyes at Yunho.

“Just following orders,” Yunho said and continued outside.

It couldn’t have been ten am yet, but the sun held the promise of another scorching day. His elation at what was to come cooled as he remembered that it was the last time in a long time that he was going to be with Jae. Everyone in Korea knew how hard trainees worked, how little they communicated with their loved ones, and how many times they were actually able to go home and visit their families.

He tried to remember life at the farm before Jae. It was a dull existence. Wake up, keep the peace, work, eat, go to bed. And then Jae came along. A spark of excitement in the dull routine. He remembered the first couple of days, and how irritated Jae always seemed to be.

Their first night in bed together. Neither of them could sleep, bodies full of nervous twitches and hot skin. The day he showed Jae the river. When they got back to the house that day, hair disheveled, holding hands. Kibum and Yoosu had grumbled, but paid Kyumin their winnings; they bet that it would only take two weeks where the others said it would be longer.

Both Jae and Yunho had slept rather well that summer night.

Yunho slipped off his shoes and waded through the drooping branches. He stopped, water swirling at his calves and smiled.

Jae was there, laying on a blue blanket. He wore jeans, no shirt, no shoes. His knee was bent, like always, and his toes clenched at the blanket. Next to him were boxes and containers and a bottle of something.

When he was close enough, Yunho kicked the water and splashed him. Jae screeched and sat up.

“What the hell is this?” Yunho asked as he climbed onto the bank.

Jae ignored him. Before Yunho could sit, Jae reached and grabbed the top of his jeans. “Hmm, I was going to feed you first.”

The pants were down and around his ankles in almost the same moment that Jae’s tongue started teasing him. He wasn’t hard, but that soon changed as Jae let him feel more and more of his tongue.

“Oh, god,” he muttered and had to use Jae to steady him. Yunho managed to stay on his feet for a couple of more minutes, then Jae’s ministrations increased and at that first feel of his throat closing around him, his knees buckled and he fell forward and back with a cry.

Jae lowered him to the ground, pulling off the wife beater before he lay down. His mouth went to work on his collar bone, and down his chest. Each ridge of muscle was given its own attention. Yunho was pretty sure that by the time Jae came up to his mouth for that first kiss, he’d touched lips to every inch of skin. The kiss was intense, with bodies rubbing together, and hands clutching at bare skin.

Jae pulled away with a gasp and buried his face into Yunho’s neck. His hot breath danced along Yunho’s collar bone.

“Want you,” Jae muttered. “Right now.”

Yunho went to move, but Jae stopped him. He pushed up, straddled Yunho’s hips and reached for him. Yunho’s eyes shut in bliss when Jae stroked him a few times, then suddenly Jae was guiding him, and then sliding onto him. Yunho cursed loudly.

Jae chucked. Fully seated in Yunho’s lap, he leaned back a bit, shut his eyes and sighed. “I knew I couldn’t wait, so I took the liberty of doing your job.”

The thought of Jae fingering himself was almost too much for Yunho. He grabbed Jae’s hips, molded bodies together and then lifted Jae up. After just a moment, Jae took over the movements, sliding up and down. Yunho kissed and licked and sucked on the skin in front of his face. Jae suddenly leaned away, hand reaching, but Yunho knocked it away. He wrapped his own hand around Jae's cock. With only four strokes, Jae was tightening, clenching, screaming as he covered both of them with come.

Yunho held his limp body more securely. Movements slowed as Jae gasped and recovered.

Jae's eyes finally fluttered open. Yunho grinned maliciously and brought his come-covered hand to his mouth. Jae groaned as the first finger was licked clean, and then he jerked forward, tongue out. They kissed and licked Yunho’s fingers and then each others faces. When Jae was satisfied that they’d gotten it all, Yunho lowered Jae to the ground. Jae wrapped his legs around his waist and then hissed when Yunho pushed deeper inside him.

Yunho didn’t move. He watched Jae, memorized every bit of him. The way his tanned skin looked against the blue blanket. The way his eyelids shuddered. The way his chest rose and fell as he gasped. The way sweat shined across his shoulders. The way Yunho’s body shivered when Jae let out those tiny whimpers that meant he wanted Yunho to move.

“I love you,” Yunho whispered.

And the way those lips spread into that fabulous smile. He’d never forget that smile.

“I’d love you more if you’d fuckin’ move,” Jae gasped.

Yunho laughed. He slid out of him a tiny bit. “Better?”

“More, damn you, more.”

He pushed back in, moving his body closer. Jae easily adjusted to the movement, crying out when Yunho settled in deeper. The whimpering was soon accompanied by thrashing. Yunho shut his eyes as Jae clenched and unclenched around him.

“If you don’t move right this fucking second, I’m going to—” Jae screamed when suddenly Yunho pulled out and slammed back in. And then again. He kept that pace and that strength for as long as he could, even after his body protested and Jae’s screams turned to moans and gasps and whimpers. It was the roughest he’d ever been with Jae, but he couldn’t help it. He needed this, needed to show Jae how much his absence was going to devastate him.

Yunho memorized it all. How Jae’s eyes rolled back, how he gripped his lower lip in his teeth, the feel of his fingers digging into Yunho’s forearms. The way his body suddenly stilled, the sound of splatters on Jae’s stomach when he came again, this time without being touched. And the way his body tightened, convulsed and clenched around Yunho like he’d never let go. Like he’d always be right here, in dreams and memories and stories, on the riverbank with Yunho forever.

“Let go,” Jae suddenly whispered. A soft hand caressed Yunho’s face. He leaned into it, kissing the palm. “Just let go, Yunnie.”

Yunho shuddered, drove himself into Jae a few more times and then came, body shaking, falling, landing with hands on either side of Jae’s face, lips kissing his, arms and legs wrapped around his body. He didn’t want the feeling to end, because if it ended, then this ended, then Jae went away and he would be alone and god, he didn’t want to be alone again.

The tangle of arms and legs and body became a desperate hug, a desperate need to keep him here. A desperate cry to stop time right then and hold onto this moment forever.

Yunho’s breath gasped in the silence. He slowly became away of Jae’s shoulder below his lips and he kissed it, gently, savoring the salty taste of sweat and … tears? Yeah, he was crying, and he didn’t care. Jae’s arms rubbed soft circles on his back.

“I love you,” Jae whispered, and Yunho memorized the sound, how his voice hitched in the middle of it.

“I love you,” Yunho replied.

“Let’s go take a swim, get cleaned up. I’m sure you’re starving.”

“I wasn’t until you mentioned it, but let’s just lay here for a bit longer.”

“Okay.”

Yunho memorized everything, the trees in the breeze. Water running over rocks further downstream. The faint sound of the cows in the pasture. This moment, this time, when he may lay awake and lonely. He’d have this moment.

“Long enough,” Jae said and pushed Yunho off him.

“Way to spoil a moment,” Yunho replied, collapsing on the blanket. “I thought that was my job.”

“Yes, but you were about to start thinking about things that we shouldn’t be thinking about while we should be enjoying ourselves. Come on. Let’s go swim for a bit.”

Jae stood on shaky legs. He took a step and had to readjust as his knee almost collapsed.

“Told you it was too soon,” Yunho said.

Jae splashed into the pool. He ducked his head and stayed under for a few longs seconds.

Yunho couldn’t watch him and looked up at the sky between the leaves. Would this be the last time they came here? The last time they swam together? The last time they made love under this tree?

“Yunnie.”

Yunho looked up. Some of the pain must have shown in his face because Jae frowned.

“Try not to think about it yet,” Jae said. “We have all day.”

Yunho tried to smile. “But just today.”

“Tell me to stay.”

“You know I won’t do that, and you’d be angry with me if I did, and I’d be angry with you if you didn’t go.”

“Come and swim, please.”

Yunho caught the desperation in his voice and sighed. He stood slowly, making sure his legs would hold him. He bent and touched his toes, and then reached high in the air. Mid stretch, cold water splattered his body.

He jerked. “What the hell?”

“You deserved it.”

Yunho grinned, charged in the water, grabbed Jae around the middle and dunked him. They fought for a bit, gaining leverage, losing their footing. Laughing, and to Yunho it suddenly wasn’t Jae’s last day but last summer again, and they were happy and playing and living life like nothing could ever tear them apart.

Yunho stilled.

Jae’s smile fell a bit. And then he sighed. “Would you stop?” he said.

“How am I supposed to?” Yunho replied and pulled him into a hug. “It’s like I’m losing part of myself tomorrow.”

“I’m not dying,” Jae replied, but softly. “I’m sure you can visit me, and when I have time, I’ll visit you.”

Yunho held him more tightly.

“Come on,” Jae said with a tug on his body. “You’re probably starving by now.”

“After last night, I’m not sure I dare eat or drink anything you give me.”

Jae grinned. “Sorry, it was a necessity. I knew you weren’t going to sleep and I needed you well-rested today. And besides, it kept you out of the kitchen this morning and let me make this food for you without you finding out.”

“You cooked this?”

“Most of it. Come on, or it will go to waste.”

Yunho let himself be pulled out of the water. Jae tossed him a towel and he dried off quickly. When he reached for his pants, Jae stopped him. “No clothes.”

“Why not?”

“How can I eat food off your body if you have it covered?”

Yunho laughed.

Jae told him to sit and then came over with some of the food. He practically sat in Yunho’s lap and fed him. This again reminded Yunho of that day when they first came to the river.  
When Jae had gotten that letter from his father. Why does it feel like it was only yesterday?

How could all their memories together be shortened and crammed into his head, and he couldn’t even remember them all? How could he have taken thoughts of Jae for granted to the point where he didn’t remember every moment they spent together?

Soft lips brushed against his. “You’re determined to make this a miserable day, aren’t you?”

“Sorry,” Yunho whispered and winced when he voice broke on that one word. “I already miss you.”

Jae moved the plates to the side and rearranged himself to completely sit in Yunho’s lap. “But I’m not gone yet. I’m really trying hard not to think about it and just have fun while we can.”

Yunho buried his face in Jae’s chest. “I’m sorry, love. Just hold me for a minute, yeah?”

Jae arms wrapped around his shoulders, legs around his waist. He smoothed Yunho’s hair and kissed his head, but didn’t say anything. Yunho memorized things again. The smell of his skin, the taste of it, the way Jae’s half dried hair felt against his hand. The way those legs held him, and the way those callused hands traced lines on his back.

How long until the calluses went away? How long until he was not longer Jae, but Kim Jaejoong?

Yunho looked up, met Jae’s eyes for a brief moment before kissing him. Hard. Desperate.

Everything that he couldn’t put into words, he put into the kiss. He pushed Jae back, forcing him to lean on his hands, and then on elbows, and finally on his back. His legs never unwound. Yunho forced the kiss harder, shoved his body into Jae’s, thrust his hips. Closer. How close could he get? It wouldn’t be enough. Nothing would be enough anymore.

Jae finally tore his mouth away and turned his head to the side. Yunho didn’t let that deter him and moved the harsh kisses to his neck, teeth against his collar bone, bodies sliding together. Jae writhed underneath him, reaching towards the discarded basket.

“Lube,” he muttered. Yunho with his better angle pulled the basket closer, and then went back to ravishing Jae’s body. He arched his back, keeping their lower halves pressed together. He lathered and licked one nipple, biting it, chewing, memorizing the way it felt on his tongue. Then he moved to the other.

A hand slick with lube grasped him, and his eyes shut as he memorized that feel, those callused fingers stroking him. He batted Jae’s hand away, positioned himself and stopped.

_Remember this, how it looks with his body begging, his hole aching for you, remember this._

Yunho slid into him slowly.

“Make it last forever,” Jae whispered. “Make me feel it forever.”

“Forever,” Yunho replied and kissed him, slower, calmer, like they could kiss forever.

It didn’t last forever, but it definitely lasted longer than any time before it in the last year. Most of it was more eye contact than anything. Yunho would stop, stare at him, kiss his eyes, nose, cheeks, mouth, chin and then start again. Even though it felt like forever, all too soon, the increased rhythm, and soft noises Jae was making were a little too much. Yunho pushed their mouths together, sharing breaths along with tongues and lips, and sped up even further. He put all his weight on one arm and grabbed Jae with the other.

“Oh, god, Yunho,” Jae yelled. His body arched into Yunho’s thrusts, hands scrabbling at shoulders and buttocks and legs. His moans no longer made sense, but were just sounds of passion. With a final cry, he arched his body into Yunho’s and covered them both with come. Yunho shuddered at writhing and convulsing below him, and lost himself in Jae’s body.

As soon as Yunho’s breaths stopped echoing in his own ears, he pushed up enough to look down at Jae. His face was turned away, eyes shut, tears dripping down his cheeks. Yunho carefully pulled away from him, forced his body to sit up and then gathered the crying man into his lap.

After a few minutes, Jae muttered, “Damn Yoochun.”

“What?”

“Just damn Yoochun.”

“Okay, what did he say?”

“He asked me if I was worried that you’d find someone new.”

“Are you?”

“I wasn’t until he mentioned it. Hence the damning.”

“Is this the part where we promise to be together forever?” Yunho asked.

Jae looked up at him. “What if we don’t? I mean, what if we promise and then we don’t, then what happens?”

“What are you saying, Jae?”

Jae looked away and bit his lip.

“Are you saying you want to keep your options open when you go to the city?”

“No,” Jae said quickly. “Damn it, Yunho, I love you. I can’t just turn that off, you know.”

“Again, what are you saying?”

“I don’t know what I’m saying. I’m saying that I’m confused and I’m sad and I feel helpless and my life is spinning out of control again, and you’re not going to be there with me and I’m not going to be here with you and damn it I don’t want to be anywhere with anyone else, and why the hell am I doing this when I should just give it all up for you because I love you?”

“And because I love you, I won’t let you give it up. You need to do this.”

“I know. I’m just going to miss you so much.”

“I’ll miss you, too.” Yunho leaned his head on Jae’s. “I’ll always be here for you. Whenever you need me. I know it’s not much considering you can’t call, and I’m too far away for visits, but I’ll still be here.”

“I’ll write you.”

“Me too.”

“Well, let’s go get clean and finish your lunch so I can eat dessert off your skin.”

“What’s for dessert?”

Jae smirked. “More of you. More of me. More of us.”


	13. A Series of Letters

**A Series of Letters**

_To my other half,  
I know I told you I would wait few days before writing but I can’t help it. It hasn’t even been a whole day and I already miss you.  
Junsu misses you. He was a mess all day today. More than me, and I feel guilty for that, but I have to stay strong for the guys. Su can’t stop crying, he misses his Hero. You should write a letter just for him; it’d make him very happy. Yoochun did take the afternoon off to watch over him, and at dinner he was a little less distraught than before.  
It’s about 4am right now. I can’t sleep. God, I miss you. I miss your body, your skin and the way your leg slides over mine in your sleep. All I can do is stare at the ceiling slats and listen to the foghorn that is Kangin. Leeteuk has already threatened to drug me again.  
I hope all is well for you. I can’t wait to hear about your first days as a trainee.  
When I close my eyes, sometimes I feel your lips on mine. Sometimes I can pretend you’re still here.  
Write soon.  
I love you,  
Yunnie_

_\-----_

_My Yunnie,  
I miss you so much! I’m too busy during the day to remember, but at night, in my room, I think about you. It’s hard for me to sleep, too. I’m always so cold without your body next to mine.  
It’s 4am here too! Fitting, isn’t it? But I hope you’re sleeping now. And if you’re being stubborn, I hope Leeteuk did drug you. There’s so much to tell. I’m so tired so I hope I remember it all.  
First let me tell you about my roommates. There’s Shindong, who I share a room with. He’s so much fun. He’s always making jokes and laughing and dancing. He’s a great dancer and rapper. He’s teaching me a lot and helping me practice. He says that he debuted in a rap group called Snow and Ice, but nothing came of it. Now he’s a DJ on a radio show, and a host for a children’s program. He’s constantly doing variety shows. He’s got great comic timing and his facial expressions are hilarious! I can’t wait for you to meet him.  
The other two are Yesung and Ryeowook. Yep, you read that right. I am rooming with the duo Voices. They’re absolutely amazing. They’re much better looking in person than on TV, impossible, I know, but true. And they’re both so nice. Don’t worry about them trying to seduce me. They’re completely in love with each other. And to further calm your fears, Shindong is straight.  
You’ll never guess who I met the other day! I was walking to the training room with Shindong, he was giving me a tour, and we ran into SS501! Hyunjoong is breathtaking in person, but completely different than his BOF character. He’s so funny and talkative and all the guys were laughing. And Kyujong, man, talk about a good looking guy! They told me to stay strong and keep working hard and man, Yunho, it was the coolest moment. I promise as soon as I can speak coherently around them, I’ll get you guys an autograph!  
I’m so tired, but my brain won’t shut off. There’s so much to do all the time. I’m on a strict diet, work out regiment and training schedule. I get up at 5am, go to the gym for two hours, then it’s vocals, and then dancing, more vocals and then piano lessons. Yesung says it sounds like they’re training me to be a soloist, which is fine by me. I don’t care what they do with me!  
Tell Yoochun that Ryeowook and Yesung absolutely adore Love Bye Love. Yesung says that if I fight for it, I can probably put it on my first album. My first album. How cool is it to say that?  
I’m lucky if I’m in bed by 2am, but like I said before, I can’t really sleep without you. I should have written before this, but there’s so much going through my brain that I don’t know how to put it into words.  
I love you. And GOD, how I miss you. I sometimes think I can feel you, you know how you used to always come up behind a chair I was sitting in and drop a kiss to my cheek. I’ll sit in our living room, watching TV and wait for a kiss that never comes.  
Oh, and I have a personal meeting with Lee Sooman next week. Talk about nervous! I’ll make sure and write again and tell you how it goes.  
Well, I better go. I have to be to the gym in about a half hour. Looks like I’m not getting any sleep tonight. Oh, well. It’s better to pass the time writing you a letter than staring at the ceiling remembering all your kisses and god, your body. I miss that body. I think I may have to take a shower before my workout and remember just how much I miss your body.  
Oh, and tell Junsu that I love him and I miss him, too. I especially miss his laughter. I now don’t have time to write him a personal letter, but I will try for next time. Give him a kiss from his Hero.  
Give my love to all the guys (try to give Kangin a kiss for me, I dare you!)  
I love you!!!  
Forever your Joongie_

_\-----_

_To my Joongie,  
I was very excited to get your letter. Now I know how Changmin felt when he waited for each one of Sahar’s letters. Junsu made me read it out loud four times. He is so jealous that you know the guys from Voices. Junsu said to tell you to get their autograph for them. I think I’ll tell him to write you a letter. He still misses his Hero, but he’s getting better. Sometimes we catch him staring at that picture of us from Changmin’s wedding. I look at it a lot too. It’s the only picture I have of you.  
I wish I could say I was doing better. Leeteuk drugged me the other night. It’s early morning again. And I can’t go to the river. I won’t go. Not without you.  
As to farm gossip, Hangeng swears he heard KangTeuk making out the other day in the bathroom of all places, but both parties are hotly denying it. Kangin even went so far as to get into Kyuhyun’s face about it; but Sungmin put a stop to that immediately. I don’t understand why he doesn’t go do martial arts competitions.  
I don’t know what else to write about. You know how my days are. You’ve been here, nothing exciting happens.  
Just know that I love you a lot. I miss you a lot. And the selfish part of me wishes I had made you stay. I’m so glad you’re enjoying yourself and you’re getting to meet all these famous people. Keep writing me, please. Promise me that you’ll try to get some sleep. I’ll try too, but I doubt it will work.  
Jaejoong fighting!  
I love you!  
The other half of Yunjae_

_\-----_

_To the best half of Yunjae  
I meant to write you yesterday but Yesung and Ryeowook were celebrating the release of their newest single and I didn’t get home until three and then I just crashed. But I’m up again, writing. I just got home from my piano lesson and I’m trying to eat and write this at the same time. I need you here to feed me. Well, I guess if you were here, I wouldn’t be trying to write this letter. God, I wish you were here.  
My meeting with Lee Sooman was nerve wracking. He wanted to know why I didn’t call him to get in and then asked about you and the farm and everything else. He talked about the plans for me, and he says that I am going to be a solo performer. He said it’s hard to put someone my age in with a group and have them mesh. It’s better if they grow up together. The coolest thing is he asked me if I wanted to go by my own name. I know we were both thinking about my father and the attention of the press. I told him that it was up to him, but that I—except for legal purposes—had no family name. So he told me to pick a name. You’ll never guess what I chose. I was sort of on the spot, so if I debut, I’m debuting under Hero.  
HERO! Can you believe that? And no need to tell Junsu. If you didn’t already notice, I wrote him a short letter about it.  
Actual KangTeuk action??? Are you kidding? I won’t believe that until I see it for myself!  
It makes me sad that you don’t go to the river. I can understand why you don’t, but I feel like I ruined that place for you. I know, that’s silly, but it’s still true. Please go. For me.  
I just sat here and stared at this paper for five minutes trying to think what else to write. Everything is so jumbled.  
Damn it, Yunho. This hurts so much. I feel like, every night when I lay in bed alone, that my heart is ripped out of my chest, and it’s like I die, but then I wake up in the morning and do it all over again.  
I love you so much.  
Your Jaejoong Forever_

_\-----_

_My Jaejoong  
How are you today? I’m okay. I actually slept last night, you’ll be happy to hear. Only for a couple hours, but it was enough. I can’t trust any drink that I don’t pour myself. And I’ve started rinsing out cups before I use them. Leeteuk is a sneaky bastard. I know he means well, but I don’t plan on needing medicine to get to sleep every night. I’ll get used to you not being next to me. I hate that I will, but I know I will. It’s just going to take forever.  
Hero? Man, that is so awesome! Junsu practically squealed in delight when he saw your note to him. Don’t be surprised if he writes you a book in reply.  
I’m glad your meeting with Lee Sooman went well. Work hard. I can’t wait until you debut.  
I can’t go to the river. Please understand. It’s not my place anymore. It’s our place. If you want me to go to the river, then come and visit and go with me.  
Oh, I almost forgot. Last week, Kyumin broke up. They had this amazing fight. I mean, it was like climatic. I don’t even think they understood what they were fighting over or what they were even screaming at each other. Yes, I said screaming. Kyuhyun, Mr. Quiet, was screaming. Kyuhyun is sleeping with Kibum now, and Sungmin is sharing with Hangeng. It’s odd. They don’t talk to each other. Even Leeteuk can’t get them to explain what was going on. Well, we’ll see how it goes.  
I have to go. I’m writing this really fast during breakfast so it can get out in today’s mail.  
I love you!  
Yunho_

_\-----_

_My Yunho  
Sorry I didn’t write last week. And I’m sorry about the bad handwriting. I’m in the car on the way to my workout. Everything just seems to be piling up on me. Not even three months away and it feels like this is the only existence I’ve ever known. Wake up, beat myself with work, collapse in exhaustion.  
I’m not telling you this to worry you. It’s that good kind of exhaustion, like when I first started on the farm. Not quite as good as after-sex exhaustion. Man, I miss that feeling.  
And I miss you.  
Tell Junsu I’ll reply to his letter as soon as I can. And I’ll try to write you a longer one next time.  
I love you!  
Your Jae_

_\-----_

_Hey Jae!  
Finally a free day. As you probably know, we’re busy doing the first harvest. Jonghyun is working us extra hard. We’ve had a lot rain up here so the crops are flourishing.  
I don’t know what Junsu has told you in his letters, I can’t believe he writes to you more than I do. Sorry.  
A new guy moved in last week. I just let him have the bed. He tried to refuse and sleep on the floor, but of course, I wouldn’t let him. He’s pretty nice. He works hard. His name is Seungri. Young kid. He says he’s eighteen, but he looks more like a runaway.  
Kyumin are back together. One day they were ignoring each other, the next they were trying to crawl into each others’ mouths.  
And KangTeuk, well, we’re not quite sure what’s going on with them. They sit together a lot. Leeteuk will lay on the couch, then Kangin will walk into the room, and without saying anything, Leeteuk will either sit up and put his head in Kangin’s lap, or move his legs and then put them over Kangin’s lap. Kangin’s even started running his fingers through Leeteuk’s hair at times. They do it without really noticing. We all notice, but we don’t dare say anything to them. I think that if we point it out, Kangin will stop, and I can tell that Leeteuk likes the attention  
Did Junsu tell you about Hero? He found a lizard a few days ago. He said that the thing tilted its head and stared right at him like you used to do, so he scooped it up and named it Hero. Yoochun is freaked out, but you know he’ll let Junsu do whatever he wants. Yet another roommate in the attic, although this one lives in a glass tank.  
I miss your book length letters. The short ones are nice, but you should write more. Your life is way more exciting than mine.  
Even though I’m used to you not being here, sometimes when a door opens or I go into a room, I still look for you.  
Yunho_

_\-----_

_My Yunho,  
I’m so sorry about all the short letters. I just don’t have time and sometimes energy.  
So, as you may or may not know, my past has been revealed to the press, which means that Eunhae, Heechul and Siwon are constants in my life again. Not that I have a whole lot of free time to spend with them. Sometimes I’m lucky enough to meet them for lunch, but they usually walk right into the building like they own it and come and watch me practice. Man, you should have seen Donghae when he cornered me about not telling him that I had been signed.  
I’ve seen Changmin a few times, too. He and Sahar are still crazy in love.  
Damn it. I really meant to write a long letter, but I fell asleep writing this, and now it’s time for brutal exercise.  
I’ll try to write again soon.  
Jae_

_\-----_

_Dear Jae,  
I haven’t heard from you for awhile. Neither has Junsu. We know you’re busy, honest, it’s just that … nevermind. I know you’ll write to us when you can. We miss you.  
I hope everything is going well. You must be training hard. One more step closer to debuting. Any word on that yet?  
Fall harvesting starts tomorrow, so I don’t know how much time I’ll have to write. Things around here are the same anyway. Maybe once the snow flies I’ll be able to come to Seoul and visit you. I miss you the most when I write these letters. And it frustrates me that I don’t have more to say. And it frustrates me that I don’t know what you’re doing or how you are, but I feel like I should.  
Please write.  
Yunho_

_\-----_

_Dear Jae,  
We just saw the announcement that SM had a new solo artist getting ready to debut. We’re all assuming that it’s you. We hope so. We’ll keep our eyes on the entertainment pages.  
The harvest is done. Hangeng and Kyumin have left for the winter already. Kangin looks like he wants to, but Leeteuk isn’t so certain. Kangin won’t come right and say that he’ll stay if Leeteuk does, but that’s what he’s getting at. He’s usually gone the day after harvest.  
Hero died. Junsu is quite distraught about it.  
I hope to hear from you soon.  
Yunho_


	14. Yunho's Decision

**YUNHO**

Yunho threw an arm over his eyes, trying to block out the winter light permeating the attic. When he became aware of his surroundings, he realized it wasn’t the light that woke him up. Yoosu was making out again. Yunho peeked over his shoulder.

Oh, no, they were definitely doing more than making out. The blanket was over their steadily moving bodies. Junsu’s face was turned to the side, buried into a pillow, where the moans that had probably woken Yunho up came from. Yoochun kissed down the side of his face, licked a stripe up his neck. It looked like it had started out as a make-out session and quickly converted into humping.

Yunho spared the attic a quick glance, but no one else was up there. He wasn’t that surprised. Besides kisses, Junsu was not an exhibitionist.

When he looked back over to the couple, Yoochun was smiling at him, movements not ceasing.

_Now, Yoochun._

Yunho shook his head and grinned. He put a finger to his mouth, and Yoochun nodded in understanding. Yunho wouldn’t spoil the moment for them. He knew how hard it was to be intimate with someone when you shared a room with so many other people.

His eyes fell to the blank wall above Yoosu’s bed. Junsu had taken the picture down weeks ago. Yunho was glad. It hurt to look at it. His heart ached for Jae again, but he squashed it down.

He settled on his side, eyes half-closed just in case Junsu looked over, and watched the show. The blanket slipped from Yoochun’s shoulders and settled around his waist. Yunho made a noise, and he was immediately hard. Yoochun smirked over at him. Junsu was still gasping, tossing his head back and forth, making his own little noises.

“I want you,” Yoochun whispered.

Yunho feigned sleep when Junsu’s eyes flew open. “But—”

“Yunho’s still sleeping, just be quiet.”

“Chunnie,” he whined.

“Please, love, it’s been too long.”

There was a rustle of fabric, a chest opening and closing. Yunho waited until Junsu let out a satisfied moan before opening his eyes again.

Damn. Yoochun had Junsu’s knees locked with his elbows, but the blanket was trapped, so Yunho couldn’t see the good part. Junsu couldn’t be quiet. If Yunho hadn’t already been awake, he would be now. He decided to mess with them a bit, so he made a noise and shifted on the bed.

“Chunnie,” Junsu said, the panic subtle under the desire.

“He didn’t wake up.”

Any other protests were silenced as Yoochun kissed him. Junsu’s noises were muffled in the kisses. Yunho risked a peek. The blanket had fallen only enough to see half of Yoochun’s ass, and one of Junsu’s thighs. God, Yoochun was teasing him.

He rolled over in frustration, wanting to just listen, but looking over his shoulder anyway.

Junsu broke from the kiss with a soft cry, his body stilling and then jerking. Yoochun had his release a bit more quietly, but Yunho watched as the muscles along his back, ass and thigh clenched with spasms.

“I love you,” Yoochun said.

“I love you.”

As their gasps settled, Yunho shifted again and made another noise.

Junsu said, “Damn it, Chunnie. What if he woke up?”

“He didn’t. Come on. Let’s go sneak into the shower and I’ll clean you up.”

Yunho waited until the door shut behind them, threw the blankets off him and stroked himself to completion. Voices on the other side of the door made him hurry and clean up and sit up. He still hadn’t quite recovered when Yoosu came back into the room. His shoulders still heaved with his breathing.

“You okay there, Yunnie?” Yoochun asked.

Yunho looked over at them. Yoochun had his arm around Junsu. Junsu buried his reddened face into Yoochun’s shoulder.

“Yeah, had a nightmare.”

Yoochun’s eyebrows rose and his grin widened. “I’ll bet.”

Yunho glared at him, but couldn’t stay mad and smiled just because Junsu was still not looking him. Yunho nodded, mouthed a thank you and got dressed. He went down to breakfast, and groaned when he saw that at least six inches of snow had fallen the night before. He’d earn his paycheck today.

He was halfway through a warm bowl of rice and milk when Jonghyun handed him a letter.

Yunho took it with shaking hands, and tears sprung in his eyes when he recognized Jae’s handwriting.

“From Jae?” Leeteuk asked.

Yunho ripped into the letter.

“About fucking time,” Kangin replied.

_Yunho –  
I’m debuting on Thursday, next week. Music Bank. I’m so nervous. I’d really love it if you and Yoosu could come. I miss you guys a lot. Here are three tickets. I would understand if you don’t want to come. I’ve just … been busy. I know that’s a poor excuse, but it’s the only one I have.  
Please come.  
Am I still allowed to love you?  
Jae_

Yunho stared at the letter, stared until the words went blurry and continued to stare as Kibum gently took it from his hands and read it. He passed it to Leeteuk and Kangin.

Kangin scoffed. “No, he’s not still allowed to love you.”

“Kangin,” Leeteuk said softly.

“What? He hasn’t written in almost two months. He never came to visit, he never—”

Leeteuk shushed him.

“What’s wrong?” Yoochun’s voice said, as Junsu’s arms wrapped around Yunho’s shoulders.

The letter was passed to him. His eyes went wide and flew to Yunho. “Are you going to go?”

Yunho couldn’t answer.

“Alright,” Jonghyun said suddenly. “What are you guys still doing inside? That snow isn’t going to clear itself off.”

In a daze, Yunho rose. He followed the others to the attic, dressed in winter clothes and went outside into the biting wind. The sun reflected off the snow, making them all squint.

He’d be lying to himself if he said he didn’t think about Jae. Something, as least once a day, made him think of those big brown eyes. But the thoughts had gone from need to heartache to nostalgia. But now it was pain. Am I still allowed to love you?

Did Yunho still love him? He knew the answer to that before he even finished asking himself. He would always, always love Jaejoong. Even if it hurt.

And what is it that Yoochun is always saying? “If you love someone, you’ll support them and be there for them no matter what they do or need.”

He looked over and found Yoochun watching him. “I’ll go. Are you guys coming?”

Junsu squealed in delight.

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

\-----

Five days later, Yunho found himself in Seoul again. But at least he didn’t have to dress up this time. The three of them joined the throng of fangirls waiting for tickets outside the studio. Yunho looked around, saw a sign that said “Orange tickets” and an arrow pointing, and pointed it out to Yoochun. They moved, joined a much shorter line, and then handed a guy their tickets.

“Names?”

“Um, Jung Yunho, Park Yoochun and Kim Junsu.”

He checked the list, nodded in satisfaction and put lanyards around their necks. “Keep these close. The fangirls will probably try to steal them.”

Yunho read his. “Full Access Backstage Pass.”

“Wow,” Junsu said.

The man said, “After the show, report to section three ten. They’ll take you backstage.”

“Thank you.”

An usher guided them to their seats, practically front row.

At five oh clock the hosts came on the stage and everyone exploded.

“We’re going to film some of the taped segments of the show now. I know you’ll all be a fantastic audience.”

As Yunho watched, cheered and listened to the performances, he realized how little he kept up on popular music. He had no idea who any of these bands were. 2NE1? After School? The only one he recognized was SHINee.

Junsu was in heaven, dancing around, singing at the top of lungs to every song. Where did he get time to listen to the radio?

The hosts thanked the audience for their stirring participation, and then promised they’d go live in an hour.

Yunho was excited. He couldn’t help it. He hadn’t seen Jae in more than six months. He was a bit upset that Jae hadn’t written and that Jae pretty much ignored all his letters, but man, to watch him perform, watch him debut would totally be worth it.

He couldn’t hold back his excitement when the show started. Junsu was a bouncing bundle of energy. Suddenly red glowsticks flickered on, and fans held up signs that said, “Be My HERO” on them.

The announcers came on to more applause and Yunho had a hard time understanding them.

Suddenly the crowd started chanting Hero’s names.

“—here he is. Your very own Hero.”

The crowd went crazy. YooSu went crazy. Yunho couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe. Jae was gorgeous. His hair was long again, styled to be messy but in control. The smile he shot the crowd was the same one. He wore a baby blue shirt, unbuttoned half way, and white pants that molded to his body. He was covered in silver accessories, bracelets, necklaces, earrings, rings. Was he wearing eyeliner?

“God, he’s looking good,” Yoochun yelled at him.

Jae started singing. The song was slow, and definitely showed off his voice. Yunho tried to pay attention, but got lost in the way his body moved across the stage. And the way he smiled and blew kisses to all the screaming fan girls. The chorus was something about love, something about loving a girl with all your might, protecting her from everything. With the words, “holding her and pleasing her”, Jae’s hand dropped to the white pants, he hooked his finger into a belt loop, splayed his hand flat and then rolled his hips. The girls went nuts. Yunho got hard.

“Holy shit!” YooSu screamed.

The song ended way too soon, but the show went on. Every performance seemed to drag, they were good, of course, but Yunho couldn’t wait until it was over.

And suddenly all the performers were up there. Jae was in the midst of them, laughing smiling, whispering. He kept his eyes on Jae while the winners were announced. It was that group SHINee, the only ones who sang a song that he recognized.

“Third?” Junsu shouted. “He got third! He got third on his first performance.”

Soon the winning band’s encore ended, and the fangirls moved around them, filing out to the aisles, being herded toward the doors. Yunho showed the guard his backstage pass, and the guard waved him the other direction. As each step took them closer, Yunho’s breath come out in shorter gasps.

“You still with us, Yunnie?” Yoochun asked and dropped an arm around his shoulders.

“Yeah, just nervous.”

Junsu bounced and then clutched at Yoochun’s other arm. “I can’t believe we get to see Jae again.”

The guard at the door saw their passes and frowned a bit. “Names?”

Yunho told him their names. The guard didn’t look happy to see that their names were in fact on the list. But he opened the door and said, “Second door on the right.”

There was yet another security guard at this door. He knocked once and then opened it.

Yunho followed Yoosu in and stared at the other occupants. His lip curled in a snarl. Donghae and Eunhyuk were cuddling on the couch. Siwon sat in a chair, and two other gorgeous men he didn’t recognize were sitting on stools near the wall.

“You have got to be kidding me,” Donghae said, and stood, peeling himself from Eunhyuk’s lap.

“Farm boy,” Eunhyuk sang. “Oh, and you brought friends this time.”

One of the other men stepped in front of Donghae. “Hey, now. If they’re here, they’re Jae’s guests.”

He turned, and Junsu inhaled sharply. “Yesung.”

Yesung smiled. “And you are?”

“J-junsu.” Junsu bowed.

Yesung motioned the other man over. Yesung draped an arm around him. He was shorter and very quiet. He said hello. “This is Ryeowook.”

“We love your music,” Junsu said, still breathless.

“A lot,” Yoochun added.

“And you are?”

“Park Yoochun.”

Yesung’s smile widened.

“Really?” Ryeowook said in surprise. “You wrote Love Bye Love?”

Yoochun blushed. “Yeah.”

“It’s really good. Jae’s been meaning to tell you that they want to put it on an album.”

“Really?”

Yesung grinned. “We’re just upset that we can’t sing it. It’s lovely.”

“Thanks.”

Yesung turned to Yunho and said, “You must be Yunho, Jae’s other half.”

Donghae scoffed.

“Where is Jae?” Junsu asked.

“He’s … busy,” Donghae said with smirk. “Do you want to know where Heechul is too?”

Yunho’s eyes narrowed.

“Don’t be cruel, Donghae,” Yesung said and moved past him to an inner door. Yesung knocked on it, and said, “Hey, Jae. You’ve got some company out here.”

“So, farm boy,” Donghae said, “which one of these peasants sucks your cock now that Jae has moved on to better things?”

“Why you—”

Yunho grabbed Yoochun’s shoulder. “He’s not worth it.”

“I’m worth more than the three of you put together,” Donghae replied.

“Only in won,” Yunho said.

“Money is all that matters.”

Yunho scoffed.

“You think Jae’s here, doing this, for any other reason? It’s better than being poor and working on a farm.”

Yunho opened his mouth to reply, but turned at the sound of the door opening. He smiled, and then his world fell apart.


	15. Jaejoong's Decision

**JAEJOONG**

“Third, man!” Donghae said again. “Third!”

Siwon popped open the bottle of champagne and poured while the others found seats around the small coffee table. Donghae sat in Eunhyuk’s lap. Yesung and Ryeowook took stools against the wall. Jaejoong sat on the small sofa; Heechul sat next to him, his hand on his leg. Jae looked at it, thought of making him move it, and then shrugged it off. They were still friends, and it’s not like he was trying to grope him.

 _Yet_ , a small voice warned him.

 _Never_ , he countered strongly.

Siwon passed the glasses around. They raised them up.

Donghae said, “To our very own Hero.”

“Hero!”

And they all downed the drinks.

“That was one of the best performances you’ve ever done,” Yesung said.

“Thanks,” Jae replied. “It was just like you said. I was really nervous, but after the first three notes, instinct took over.”

“I especially liked the hip thrusts,” Donghae said.

“Oh, yeah,” Eunhyuk crooned. “Too bad those girls don’t realize that you don’t think they’re sexy.”

“Hey, girls can be sexy,” Jae said with a little grimace.

Eunhae laughed.

“I love the articles that say you’re dating this girl or that one,” Heechul said.

Yesung laughed. “Those will never stop, no matter how many times you’re captured in a picture or video with someone.” He leaned over and kissed Ryeowook’s cheek.

Ryeowook giggled. They reminded him of Yoosu so much. Thoughts of Yoosu reminded him of Yunho. Why hadn’t he come? Jae fought back a sigh. He knew why. It was all his fault. He’d just been so busy. It was nothing more than painful delusions thinking Yunho would come. Yunho didn’t love him anymore.

Jae’s throat closed and tears sprung to the corners of his eyes. He stood up quickly. “I’m going to go make sure I look alright before meeting the press.”

Heechul’s hand slid off his leg, but not before he gave Jae’s knee a squeeze.

Jae shook off a shiver and headed into the bathroom. He scrutinized his reflection. The tired eyes, drawn forehead. At least the first one was over. Man, had he been nervous. And hearing them all scream for him. Only Yunho could make his skin tingle like that.

He sighed. Yunho hadn’t come, remember that. He chose not to come. Get over it. But Jae knew he wouldn’t. Not that easily. And not without a fight. He’d write Yunho a letter tonight.

Jae started and turned when the door clicked shut. Heechul locked it.

“You looked amazing up there tonight,” he said.

“Thanks,” Jae replied, trying to keep the nervousness out of his voice. He hated being alone with Heechul.

Heechul came and stood behind him as Jae checked his makeup. Jae froze when hands settled on his hips. “Those clothes look good on you.”

“Don’t, Heechul.”

“Don’t what?” he asked, the second word punctuated by a thrust against Jae’s ass.

Jae twisted away and turned around. Heechul pinned him to the counter with his hips. Jae hissed at the contact.

Heechul grinned. “When are you going to come back to me?”

“Um, never,” Jae said, but his voice wavered.

“You haven’t seen your farm boy in six months, he hasn’t written you in two and he didn’t show up here at all. How is that worth holding onto?”

“Better than doing anything with you.”

Heechul sighed. “But I love you, Jae. I’ve always loved you. How can you say no to that?”

“And I’ve always loved you, but it’s too late. Let me go.”

“Do you remember being with me, Jae? Do you remember begging me, crying for me, pleading—”

“I remember.”

“I always took care of you, didn’t I?”

Jae put his hands to Heechul’s chest and pushed, but Heechul pushed back.

“I want you, Jae. I want to feel your body clench around me as I bend you over and slam into you against this sink.” Heechul’s hands started working on Jae’s pants. He reached a hand in and grabbed Jae so hard that he cried out. “I know you like that,” Heechul said, shoving him further against the counter.

Jae’s body bent, his head hit the mirror. Heechul followed. Suddenly his mouth was on Jae’s, biting him. Jae tried to push him away again. Heechul snaked an arm around his waist and held him tightly. He rolled his hips, Jae gasped into the kiss. Heechul bit and licked at Jae’s lips.

After another roll of hips, Jae snapped. Using the counter as leverage, he brought a foot up and smacked the back of Heechul’s knee. Heechul stumbled, and Jae managed to get away from him.

Unfortunately, Heechul was between him and the door.

“Not nice,” Heechul said, and then grinned. “But if you wanted to play catch the mouse, all you had to do was say so.”

Jae snarled. “Leave me alone or I start calling for help.”

Before Heechul could reply, there was a knock at the door. “Hey, Jae,” Yesung’s voice said. “You’ve got some company out here.”

“What’s holding you back?” Heechul asked. “The farm boy.”

“No. I have no right to call him mine anymore. But there’s no way, I’m getting into things with you again, Heechul. Never again.”

“Why?”

“Think really hard. You should come up with quite a list. You want to be friends, great. I’ll always be your friend, Heechul. But you’re never getting anything out of me again.”

Jae stalked past him. Heechul grabbed his arm, but Jae jerked it out of his grip and shoved Heechul against the wall for good measure. Before he could get the door unlocked, Heechul’s body pressed in behind him, and his hands covered Jae’s hip. Jae tried to shimmy away from them and opened the door. He meant to tell Heechul to fuck off, but he couldn’t move.

“Yunho,” he whispered.

Yunho met his eyes, but the smile turned to pain and accusations. Jae suddenly remembered that Heechul had undone his pants. He hurried to do them up. His hair was probably mussed, and he knew his lips were red from Heechul biting them. He came out with Heechul’s hands on his waist. God, he probably looked like Heechul had just given him the blow job of the century.

Heechul walked past, pinched Jae’s butt and winked at him. “Lovely as always.”

“God, no,” Yunho whispered and without another word turned away.

“Yunho, wait,” Jae started and then winced when the door slammed. He turned to Yoochun. “It’s not what it looks like.”

Yoochun shook his head. “Sure.”

“Chunnie, it’s not. Heechul practically mauled me in there. I tried to get him off me.”

“But just ended up getting off,” Heechul said.

“Shut up, you bastard,” Jae yelled and looked back at Yoosu. “Please believe me.”

“I’m going to go find Yunho,” Yoochun said and turned.

“Please, Yoochun. Please. You know, right, why I wasn’t doing anything with Heechul? Remember?” Jae’s voice cracked.

Yoochun’s face softened. He nodded. He shot a glare at Heechul.

“They’re gullible, aren’t they?” Heechul whispered. Eunhae giggled.

Jae turned to yell at him, and then the door slammed again. Nothing could be heard, but Jae’s deep breathing. God, no. Yunho thought … how could he think … he did come. He came, and you fucked it up. Jae’s throat constricted.

“It’s really good to see you,” Junsu said in the silence, voice wavering. Finally, he covered the distance and hugged Jae tightly. “We really, really miss you. And I believe you, Joongie. You love Yunho. I know that. He does too, but it’s hard because you haven’t written.”

“I know, Su, and I’m sorry.”

“I better go. Promise to write me?” Junsu said with a smile.

“I promise. And Su, I’m sorry for this.” He waved a hand around the room. Jae choked back tears. “Tell Yunnie I love him.”

“I will.”

Junsu kissed his cheek. “It was nice to meet you,” he said to Yewook.

And then he was gone.

Donghae laughed first. “Man, I love those farm boys. They’re so entertaining.”

Jae turned around. “You three get the fuck out of my sight right now.”

“Jae,” Eunhyuk said.

“Get out, before I make security throw you out.”

Donghae was still laughing when he stood up. “Yes, your highness.” He pulled Eunhyuk to his feet and they left, hand-in-hand. Jae didn’t look as Heechul stepped up. But when those soft hands touched his cheek, he jerked away.

“Get out.”

Heechul smirked. “I’d rather push in.”

Jae scowled and tried to turn away. Heechul grabbed his arm. Now that he wasn’t in the confines of the bathroom, Jae moved. He wrenched his arm free, and in the same movement brought his hand up and smacked Heechul across the face.

“Only girls slap,” he said with a grin.

“Then get out before I kick your ass. I was better at Tae Kwon Do than you, remember?”

“Fiesty as always.” Heechul turned his back. “I’ll call you tomorrow. Maybe by then you’ll realize what a blessing this is that you don’t have to worry about hurting that farm boy anymore. And you’re welcome.”

The door shut behind him.

“I’m sorry, hyung,” Siwon whispered. “Heechul is determined no matter what I say to convince him otherwise.”

Jae waved him off, but Siwon hugged him anyway. “You know how stubborn Heechul is, especially when he wants something.”

“I need to go find Yunho,” Jae muttered.

“No, let his friends talk to him first. He won’t listen to you right now. They’re probably long gone.”

“Damn it, Siwon. How did this happen? And don’t you dare tell me that everything happens for a reason.”

Siwon remained silent.

“Jae, come on. Pull it together,” Yesung said. “This would be a very bad time to cry. You have to go meet the press.”

Jae inhaled deeply and nodded. He pulled away from Siwon. “Thanks,” he whispered. “I’m glad I can always count on you.”

Jae took all the pain and anguish and buried it deep, to be dealt with later as he spent another night alone. “Let’s get it over with,” he said, and headed for the door.

\-----

Jae sat on his bed in the dark. He needed to sleep. He had a Music Core performance later, and then one at Inkigayo the next day.

But he couldn’t sleep.

Damn Heechul. Jae had ignored five calls from him already, and erased five messages without listening to them. He knew what they’d say. First Heechul would apologize, and then he’d tell Jae that Yunho wasn’t worth it. And then he’d get mad and ask why he thought Yunho was worth it. The last thing he’d say would either be insulting or insinuating that Jae owed him thanks for something.

He’d never forgive Heechul for this.

Would Yunho forgive him?

Yunho had looked good. Jeans hugging that lean body, green t-shirt showing off those muscles. Except for the eyes. The ones that had smiled so briefly and then flashed with pain. Betrayal.

God, that look. Like Jae had ripped his heart out and just given it to Heechul to step on.

Jae rolled over, clutched at his pillow and gasped. He’d already cried all that he could. He rolled over again, stared at the ceiling. He brought one leg up, bent at the knee and clutched the blanket between his toes. What was Yunho doing? Did he cry? Did Yoosu convince him that Jae hadn’t done anything with Heechul?

Jae’s phone rang. Heechul’s ringtone. He fought the urge to fling the thing against the wall, and got up instead.

He went to the kitchen, intent on making tea, but finding a bottle of something in the freezer instead. He took a large swallow from it and gasped as it burned down his throat. He coughed once, brought the bottle to his lips and took another one. Before he could take a third, a cool hand rested against his and then took the bottle from him.

“That won’t solve anything,” Yesung said, “and you have a performance tomorrow.”

“I don’t care. Yunnie hates me.”

“He doesn’t hate you. He misunderstood. Your friends will set it right.”

“God, Yesung, how could I have neglected him so badly?” Jae slid down the kitchen wall and put his head in his hands.

“I dare say you’ve learned your lesson.”

“Yeah.”

“Then write to him,” Yesung said. “Explain what happened. People are more open to reading a letter than listening to someone explain.”

Jae nodded. “Good idea. Help me up.”

Yesung laughed. “I think I’ll help you to bed. You can write him in the morning.”


	16. Yunho's Heartbreak

**YUNHO**

Nothing coherent flew through Yunho’s mind. Pain, yes, lots of that, and images, memories of being with Jae, and then similar thoughts about Jae being with Heechul. Laughing at him, as he let Heechul fuck him. Laughing and making pouty lips while Jae and Heechul held hands and laughed and danced and played around.

He didn’t go to bed that night. He didn’t even go in the house. He ignored Yoosu and stalked to the far side of the barn. He punched the weathered wood, hit it until it cracked and his knuckles bled, and then hit it some more until he couldn’t feel his hand or wrist or arm.

A tiny voice told him that he probably broke his hand. He gave the barn wall one more good punch for breaking his hand, and then slid down the wall and into the snow.

That was where Kibum found him the next morning. Yunho shrugged off his questions and offers of help and went inside. He wrapped his hand, skipped breakfast and went back outside.

He worked hard, clearing ice from the barn and animal pens. The shots of pain from his hand were just reminders of what happened when you put too much of yourself into one person. He never should have gone to that show, he never should have thought that Jae had stayed faithful, especially with Heechul right there. He still loved Heechul. He never should have started anything with Jae to begin with.

_Am I still allowed to love you?_

No. Never, ever again.

With a frustrated cry, Yunho threw the ice pick into the barn wall.

“Yunho!” Jonghyun shouted.

Yunho ignored the reprimand and stalked into the house. He tossed off his boots at the foyer, and then left a trail of wet clothes up to the bathroom. He started the shower, turned the heat up as high as he could stand it and tried to burn away his tears.

The first letter showed up two days later. Yunho left it by his plate, unopened. As did he the one after that. The third day, he realized that Junsu had been opening them and reading them, so the fourth one he tore up.

That night, he climbed the stairs to the attic later than the others. He stood in the doorway for a moment, eyes lingering on Kangteuk. As always, Kangin was lying on his stomach. Leeteuk’s leg was thrown over him. Their heads were together. If they hadn’t been asleep, it would have looked like Leeteuk was moving in for a kiss. And Yoosu. He smiled when he looked at them. Junsu had to cuddle, Yoochun needed his space. Somehow they always managed to fall asleep with Junsu curled tightly against Yoochun’s body. His best friends. Well, maybe. They were reading Jae’s letters behind his back. And Yunho knew they’d take Jae’s side.

_Take Jae’s side? The man is writing you letters. You think that if he didn’t love you, he’d be writing you letters?_

Yunho scowled. It didn’t make sense. This was a perfect time for Jae to make a clean break.

_But what if the letters are nothing more than Jae trying to ease your broken heart?_

Yunho definitely didn’t want to read that.

He took a deep breath. Well, he’d been living without Jae for six months. This wasn’t any different. Except now there was just no way that he’d get back with him. During those long months without him, Yunho always knew that once things settled Jae would come back for him. Instead he went back to Heechul

_Are you really surprised though? He’s always loved Heechul._

Yunho pushed that away. How many times did he have to remind himself of that? That he was nothing more than what Donghae said. A passing fancy, something for a rich man to do when he got bored.

He stalked into the room and to his bed. He picked up the pillow and blanket from the floor, and then nudged Seungri. The kid barely stirred, but slid over and Yunho lay down next to him.

He didn’t sleep. He watched the pale moon light turn to that gray glow of dawn, and then brighten as the sun rose. With the sun, came sounds from the surrounding beds. Seungri woke up, seemed startled to find him there, but didn’t say anything. No one said anything to him until Yoochun came and sat on the bed.

“Jae sent me a contract,” he said.

Yunho glanced at him with raised eyebrows.

“He wants to sing Love Bye Love, but his management says he can’t until I sign a contract. He said to read it and mark the passages I don’t agree with and his lawyer will negotiate the terms, but I don’t get it. I tried, and Junsu read it and well, everyone has read it. Leeteuk says he understands most of it, but you’re the smartest here, Yunho. Will you read it for me?”

“Of course, I will.”

Yoochun went to his chest and then brought back a thick sheaf of papers. “It’s pretty complicated.”

Yunho read through the entire thing once and then shook his head. “You are definitely NOT signing this.”

Leeteuk came over and sat by him. “That’s what I told him. I knew it was bad, but I couldn’t find the specifics.”

“Grab me a pen,” Yunho said.

Yoochun pulled one out from behind his ear.

Yunho took it and started marking passages. “This paragraph says that you’re going to give up all rights to calling Love Bye Love yours. This paragraph says that the next five songs you write are automatically the property of SM Entertainment and you won’t be getting paid for them. This paragraph says that you get a lump sum of ten thousand won, but then you waive any rights to any profits made from the album it gets put on. This paragraph says that any performer can sing your song, not just Jaejoong. And this paragraph says that if you try to say the song is yours, SM will sue you.”

Yunho looked up into Yoochun’s startled face, and then he grinned. “Yeah, don’t sign this. I’m not a lawyer, but I’ll write some stuff for you. Like your demands and stuff, and then you can send this back to Jaejoong and maybe his lawyer will get rid of some of these clauses. I can’t believe people actually sign these things without reading them.”

Yoochun gave him a big hug. “Thanks, Yunnie.”

Yunho soaked up the contact, inhaled that scent that was Yoochun. God, he missed this. Missed being this close to someone and being held. He made some noise, and then Yoochun’s arms were tightening around him, holding him closer. Tears that he had been holding back finally fell in heavy gasps. Another set of arms he knew wrapped around him from behind. Soft lips pressed kisses along his neck, and Junsu’s quiet voice whispered reassurances at him.

“I know you don’t want to hear this,” Yoochun whispered, “but Jae loves you.”

Yunho tried to pull away, but they both held him there.

“He does. He wasn’t doing anything with Heechul in the bathroom. Heechul attacked him. Yesung says that Heechul’s been trying to get Jae back since he first moved to Seoul, but Jae does nothing to encourage it. Yesung says that within the last week, Jae’s had Heechul physically removed from the practice room and the prep rooms after his performances. He refuses to be alone with Heechul and only hangs out with him when Eunhae or Siwon is there.”

Yunho finally pushed him away. Yoochun let him go. He got up and started getting dressed.

Yoochun sighed. “Just think about it.”

“It’s all I can think about,” Yunho muttered.

“Read one of his letters. He loves you.”

Yunho shook his head. “I won’t let him do this to me again. It’s better this way anyway. He’s down there. I’m up here. Heechul can have him.”

Yoochun sighed again and got up. “Thanks for reading this for me. I’ll keep you updated.”

Yunho nodded.

After another week of not reading Jae’s letters, it seemed that Yoochun’s patience had grown thin. He cornered Yunho in the living room, sat on his lap with his arms crossed and glared at him. Yunho looked beyond him to see Junsu and Kangteuk blocking the doorway.

“You’re being a prissy girl about this,” Yoochun said.

“A stubborn asshole,” Kangin corrected.

“Fuck you guys,” Yunho said. “It’s not any of your business.”

“You’re our friend, Yunnie,” Leeteuk said. “That makes it our business.”

“Junsu,” Yoochun said.

Junsu unfolded a paper and started reading. “Dear Yunho, I miss you. A lot. And I love you. I told you before that I can’t just turn that off. I don’t plan on it. Ever.”

Yunho tried to dislodge Yoochun from his lap.

“Listen to it,” Yoochun growled.

“No.”

Junsu kept reading. “I know that you probably aren’t reading this. Junsu says you just tear up my letters, and I understand. But I still need to write it. I still need to think that you know what I’m saying, and that you know what I’m feeling. I don’t love Heechul anymore. I haven’t for a really long time. What I feel for you is love. And I have never ever felt this way about Heechul. I couldn’t care less if Heechul never talked to me again. Hell, I’d welcome it. But you, the thought of never seeing you again, never hearing your voice, it hurts.”

Yunho wasn’t sure when he started crying, but Junsu stopped reading.

“He loves you,” Yoochun said as he got off Yunho’s lap. “Write to him. Even if it is just to tell him to leave you alone. At least then the poor guy can start trying to get over you.”

Leeteuk handed him a piece of paper and a pen. He stared at them as the guys shuffled out. Junsu left Jae’s letter on the table. He stared at it for a long time, let tears trickle down his face. He even managed to pick up the pen and then stared longer.

He remembered their last day by the river. Well, he tried. He thought he had memorized everything, everything about how Jae felt and smelled and tasted, but he couldn’t remember it all. The only thing clear in his mind was Jae, his pants open and lips kissed, coming out of that door with Heechul’s hands on him.

He threw the pen across the room, stood up and stalked out.

Yoochun was waiting for him just outside the door. “Couldn’t do it, huh?”

“Shut up.”

Yoochun followed him up the stairs. “There’s something else you need to know, since it’s pretty obvious that Jae never told you.”

“Oh, so he’s been keeping secrets from me, too. Nice.”

“Yunho, just listen.”

“No thanks,” he said and went to the bathroom. Yoochun stopped the door from closing with his foot. Yunho glared at him, but went about getting a shower going anyway.

“Heechul abused him.”

Yunho stopped and met Yoochun’s eyes in the mirror.

“I don’t know details,” Yoochun said, “because Jae wouldn’t talk about it, even after I confronted him about it. But Jae didn’t know any better. Not until he met you. Heechul was everything to him. Did you ever notice that Jae never topped with you?”

“How do you know that?”

Yoochun rolled his eyes. “Come on, you can just tell. I’m pretty sure it’s because Jae has never topped in his life and he’s probably so used to bottoming that the subject never came up. And I know you, Yunho. You like it both ways. Remember the American?”

Yunho scoffed. Of course he remembered the American. Yoochun walked in on them more than once. “That was a long time ago.”

“But it proves my point. You like it both ways.”

“And?”

“And now that Jae knows how good sex can be, you think he’s going to go back into an abusive relationship? He told me about that day in the bathroom. Heechul was trying to force him.”

Yunho leaned his head against the wall. “So I’m supposed to go back to him because he was abused.”

“No. This is just so you understand that Jae is telling the truth. He doesn’t love Heechul. He loves you.”

“Do you have any idea how that felt?” Yunho demanded. “Watching him walk out of that bathroom with Heechul’s hands on him, like he’d just been thoroughly fucked?”

Yoochun grinned. “Yeah. I feel the same way any time I walk into a room and find Junsu in your lap.”

Yunho glanced at him quickly.

Yoochun laughed. “Calm down. I know you two aren’t doing anything. I know that Junsu is incredibly affectionate, but this little green monster called jealousy still bubbles up anytime he gives you a kiss or a hug.”

“I didn’t know.”

Yoochun shrugged. “It’s not a huge deal. But I know you, Yunnie. Sure, that night hurt. Seeing him in that circumstance must have been painful, but underneath that, you just wanted to fling Heechul’s hands off him, and claim Jae as yours.”

“Maybe.”

“Jae is yours. It may take you awhile longer to figure that out, but he’s yours.”

Yoochun left abruptly. Yunho shut and locked the door. He climbed in the shower and thought about this revelation. He thought for a moment that Yoochun was making it up, but Yunho knew about Junsu, knew about the man that almost destroyed him when he was fourteen. He knew that Yoochun hadn’t been there, and continually blamed himself for it. There’s no way that Yoochun would lie about something like this.

Yunho was still upset with Jae, but he knew now that the next time he saw Heechul, someone was going to have to keep him from punching the jack ass.


	17. Jaejoong's Heartbreak

**JAEJOONG**

_Soft music played in Jae’s ear. His lips moved to the words of the song. Words of love, honor, commitment. Simple things that Jae still managed to screw up when it came to Yunho. This was his last chance. His last chance to show Yunho what he meant to him. Would it be enough though? Would it even matter?  
God, Yunho, please be here._

_6 weeks earlier …_

Jae sat at the open window and watched the rain fall. The storm held a hint of spring, but Jae knew that it would still be flying snow up at the farm. He sighed and looked down at the paper in his lap. Half of it was full of his writing. Another letter to Yunho, but after two months, he was thinking of calling it quits. The only thing that kept him writing was Junsu’s assurances that Yunho no longer scowled when Jae’s name was mentioned and only ripped up his letters when he remembered to. It wasn’t much, but it was something.

Jae stretched his tired muscles. A manager would arrive in less than an hour to wake him up for some radio show. All the questions would be the same. How did he feel about debuting? Why did he audition? What about his family? Was there anyone special in his life?

That last question he always answered the same way: “Yes. There is someone that means more to me than any of this.” And when asked what he meant, he’d reply: “This is nothing. Love is forever.” And then he’d ignore any other questions about it.

Jae left the unfinished letter on the windowsill. He stood, stretched again, and then moved to the huge calendar on the wall. He needed a day off. He looked at the days, some with activities double booked. An indescribable need to get the hell out of this apartment took him. He knew he couldn’t leave though; not yet.

The manager came in and found him there. Jae motioned him over and then pointed to a Tuesday two weeks away. There was only one activity written in blue ink (a can’t miss) and one penciled in. With thick strokes, he put a big X through that day with a black marker.

“I’m going on strike that day,” Jae said. “I need a day off.”

The manager sputtered something about responsibility and commitments.

Jae held up a hand. “Sorry. But this is a bit more important.” He went to his room, changed into his gym clothes. When he came to the kitchen, the manager was on the phone trying desperately to make someone on the other line understand what Jae had done.

“That’s a breech of your contract,” the manager said.

“Then fire me,” Jae replied and left the apartment, the manager scurrying after him.

After his workout, Jae made a phone call.

“Joongie?”

“Hey, Changmin. What are you doing on Tuesday in two weeks?”

“I don’t know.”

“Wrong. The correct answer would be, ‘Well, Jae, I’m going to go to the farm with you and visit Yunho and Yoosu.’.”

Changmin remained silent for a moment and then said, “Really? Is that okay with your management?”

“Don’t care. I’m going. Are you coming with me?”

“Hell yes.”

“Good. Be here at about five am, okay?”

“I’ll definitely be there.”

\-----

“Are you nervous?” Changmin asked.

Jae didn’t take his eyes from the road as he navigated through narrow village streets. “Yeah.”

“You think Yunho will listen to you?”

“Probably not.”

Changmin frowned. “But—”

“Can we not talk about it, please?”

“Yeah. Sorry.”

Two figures appeared in the road, walking slowly, backpacks slung over their shoulders. Jae slowed down and honked once. The taller one grabbed the smaller one’s hand and pulled him to the wall.

“Isn’t that Kyumin?” Changmin said.

Jae drew closer and smiled. “Sure is.” He stopped.

Changmin rolled down the window. “You boys want a ride?”

“Changmin? Jaejoong?” Sungmin said. “Wow. How are you?”

“We’re great. Get in,” Changmin said. “We’re headed up to the farm to visit.”

They climbed into the back. Kyuhyun gave them both a hug over the seats. “It’s good to see you both.”

“Did you guys just get back into town today?” Changmin asked.

“Yeah. Sungmin hyung decided not to get a taxi; he said we could walk.”

“And we did, and came into an even better situation.”

“True,” Kyuhyun replied.

“How was your winter?” Jae asked.

“Pretty good. We went to Thailand and worked.”

“Awesome,” Changmin said.

“But don’t worry, Jaejoong hyung,” Kyuhyun said. “We’ve kept up on your career. The internet is a fabulous thing when you can get to it.”

“Congratulations on getting the triple crown on Inkigayo,” Sungmin said.

“Thanks.”

“And you’re starting an Asian tour, right?”

“Yeah, with Wheesung, Kangta and Voices.”

“Voices? Aren’t those guys your roommates?” Kyuhyun asked.

“Yeah. I invited them up here, but they have a TV commitment they can’t cancel.”

“Do the guys know you’re coming?” Sungmin asked.

Jae smirked but said nothing.

Changmin answered, “No. Jae decided he’d rather surprise them all.”

“We heard about what happened with Yunho,” Kyuhyun said quietly. “Junsu wrote us. And we’re sorry, hyung. We know that you didn’t do anything with Heechul, but Yunho’s pretty stubborn.”

“He doesn’t want to talk about it,” Changmin said.

“I wouldn’t think so,” Sungmin said. “What about you, Changmin? How’s married life?”

Changmin’s face broke into a smile. “It’s awesome. Sahar is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. She can be snobbish and particular sometimes, but she’s my moon and stars and—”

Jae tuned out and concentrated on the road. The pavement turned to dirt, although at this time of the year it was little more than mud. He was glad that he brought the SUV instead of going for the sedan. The road leveled out, and Jae traveled a bit further before turning and going through a simple gate. The road to the farm was gravel, and much easier to traverse. A feeling of homesickness swept through Jae as the house and barns came into view. He timed it perfectly though. It was almost nine am. Breakfast and chores would be done, and the guys would be relaxing.

Sure enough, as Jae pulled into the drive, six heads popped above the porch railing and looked at them.

All Jae saw was Yunho. His puzzled face turned into a bright smile when Kyumin got out of the car.

“Kyuhyun! Sungmin!” Junsu jumped over the railing and ran toward them. When Changmin stepped out, Junsu stopped. His mouth dropped open, and then he screeched and launched himself at Changmin. He caught him and just kept them from falling to the ground. Soon, Changmin was being hugged by Yoochun, Kibum, Leeteuk and, to his surprise, Kangin.

Yunho followed a bit more slowly. His muscles stood out in the black, long sleeved tee he wore. Faded blue jeans flowed down his lower body. Jae’s throat closed, and he made a sound of need.

As Yunho joined the group, his eyes darted to the car. Jae knew because of the tinting that he couldn’t see more than just his silhouette.

“What are you doing here?” Yoochun asked Changmin.

Changmin looked over at the car. Jae took a deep breath. Now or never. He climbed out. He didn’t look away from Yunho as he walked around the car.

Yunho’s eyes narrowed, first in pain, then in irritation. He took a couple steps back, shrugged off Leeteuk, who was trying to hold him, and stomped away. He didn’t go to house. Jae kept his eyes on him until he disappeared behind a fence.

No one said anything.

Jae turned to the group and said, “Well, I didn’t really expect to be greeted with open arms.”

Junsu smiled. “We’ll greet you that way,” he said and gave Jae a big hug. Jae was passed around and hugged and then hugged again by them all, even two or three at a time. Again, Kangin surprised him by giving him a tight, meaningful hug.

“Aren’t you in the middle of concert promotions?” Yoochun asked.

“Yeah, but I told them I needed a day off, and if they had issues with that, then to fire me.”

“Are you insane?” Kangin demanded.

“Maybe. They threatened to call Lee Sooman, but by that time, since I had invited Changmin, he already knew I was going, so he didn’t really care. He actually called me and told me to be safe and make sure I was back before my early morning radio appointment tomorrow.”

“This is awesome,” Kibum said.

A strong wind blew in from the mountains. Kyumin, Changmin and Jae all shivered. The other guys laughed.

“Pansies,” Kangin said, but with a smile. “Not used to the mountain air anymore, huh?”

“It’s cold,” Changmin said.

“Let’s go to the living room,” Yoochun said.

Kangteuk led the way. Jae held back a moment and looked in the direction Yunho went. He was about to follow when Yoochun placed his arm on his shoulder.

“Give him some time,” Yoochun said. “He’s probably startled and confused and trying to figure out what to do.”

“Does he still hate me?”

“No,” Yoochun said. He bit his lip. “Don’t be mad, but, well, Yunnie was being completely unreasonable, so I told him about Heechul abusing you.”

Jae’s eyes narrowed.

“Look, it’s not like I know details, but I told Yunho so he would understand why you’d never go back to Heechul. Until I told him, he wasn’t sleeping, barely eating, muttering about JaeChul at random moments. After I told him, he got really quiet. I know he’s been thinking about you. And yesterday, when Jonghyun passed out the mail, he looked up and then seemed disappointed when Jonghyun didn’t have a letter from you.”

Jae sort of smiled. “Really?”

Yoochun nodded. “Really. He went from a letter every other day to no letter in an entire week. Even Junsu and I were starting to wonder. I think Junsu wrote to you yesterday to ask why you hadn’t written.”

“Well, surprise.”

Yoochun smiled. “Awesome surprise.”

“Chunnie!” Junsu called. “Stop hogging Jae. I want to talk to him, too.”

They both laughed and headed into the house. The rest of the morning was spent talking and laughing and catching up. Jae was surprised to see how Kangteuk acted. Kangin didn’t bat an eyelash when Leeteuk sat in his lap. He even put his arms around the other man’s waist. It seemed the two of them were just short on making out with each other. He was introduced to Seungri, and he immediately agreed that the kid was not eighteen. Yoosu served them all tea, and then Kyuhyun dug through his bag, remembering some sweets from Thailand that they had brought to share.

Jae was startled when the lunch bell rang. The time flew so fast. Throughout the morning, his mind had drifted to and from Yunho, but now it stayed focused on him. Would Yunho come in for lunch? Jae doubted it.

As if they had planned it without really planning it, an empty seat was left next to Jae. Jae was sure that he saw Leeteuk and Yoochun exchange glances as they directed people to seats. In his letters, Junsu was always talking about how subtle Leeteuk was, and now he knew that Junsu was under exaggerating. The man was a sneaky, evil genius.

Changmin shut his eyes and sighed when Maensa entered with the rice. “I miss your cooking, umma,” he said and received a swat at the back of his head and a command to not call her that. Changmin barely noticed as he was already busy eating.

Jae took a bit of the black bean noodles and silently agreed. Even if it was “rustic”, as Eunhae called it, the food was delicious.

“Um, Jae,” Kangin said, and then cleared his throat.

“Yeah?”

Kangin squirmed and refused to meet his eyes. The others tried not to focus their attention on them, but their movements became a bit jerkier. It wasn’t until Leeteuk kicked Kangin under the table that he looked up. He glared at Leeteuk and then back at Jae.

“I wanted to apologize, you know, for your first day, and fighting with you.”

Jae grinned.

“No, seriously. I was really rude and I completely deserved that kick in the face.”

“Yeah, you did,” Yoochun muttered.

Kibum snorted into his teacup. Kyumin were smiling.

“Your apology is accepted,” Jae said.

Kangin nodded. “Good. Good. What’s everyone staring at?” he demanded.

“Never thought I’d see the day that Kangin would apologize,” Kibum said.

Kangin scowled, but then Leeteuk leaned close and Kangin visibly relaxed. Jae would have bet anyone there that under the table, Leeteuk’s hand was on his knee.

“Man,” Junsu said, “why don’t you two just kiss already?”

They pulled away from each other. Leeteuk blushed and Kangin concentrated on his food.

Movement made them all turn. Yunho stood in the doorway. He looked no where, but everywhere at once. His eyes landed momentarily on the empty seat next to Jae and then he closed them, took a deep breath and entered the silent, tense dining room.

Jae held his breath and followed each one of Yunho’s movements. Each step. How his knuckles turned white when he gripped the back of the chair. Moving it a bit farther from Jae, and almost right into Junsu. Dropping heavily into it. Reaching for some rice.

And then Yunho looked at him.

Jae stopped breathing. Those brown eyes were red-rimmed and puffy. Jae couldn’t read the expression in them. There was no hate, no anger, and that consoled him for a moment, but there was no love either. Not softness or desire. Empty. Tears pricked in the corner of his eyes, and with a choked sound, Jae looked away.

After a moment, Yunho continued eating.

“So, Jae,” Leeteuk said. “You have a concert coming up.”

Jae swallowed hard, but managed to nod.

“With Voices,” Changmin said.

“Really?” Junsu squealed.

“Yeah,” Jae said. He had to clear his throat before he could talk again. He kept his eyes on Leeteuk across the table. “It’s going to be a joint concert with me, Voices, Wheesung and Kangta. The whole concert is going to be at least five hours long.”

“I want to go,” Junsu said.

The other quickly echoed him.

“I’d love to have you all there, but it’s only three weeks away,” Jae said. “I doubt Jonghyun’s going to let you all come down for a couple of days.”

“Maybe just one of us then,” Leeteuk said with a pointed look at Yunho.

Changmin’s babbling filled the rest of lunch. Both Leeteuk and Yoochun cast wary glances over at Jae and Yunho. Junsu was bubbly and excited and kept leaning over Yunho to talk to Jae, and then trying to get Yunho involved in the conversation. Neither said anything more.

Yunho stood abruptly, his shoulder knocking into Jae’s. He left the room and again when he went to follow, Yoochun shook his head. “Not yet. But before you leave,” he whispered.

Jae didn’t understand why he couldn’t go talk to Yunho now, but he also reminded himself that he didn’t know how Yunho had been acting the last couple of months. Yoochun did, and Jae trusted Yoochun’s judgment and instincts.

“Hey, let’s go play football,” Kibum suddenly said. “There’s ten of us here, five on a team.”

Junsu cheered and the others all quickly agreed. Junsu ran up the stairs to grab his ball as the rest filed out. Jae stopped when he heard Junsu’s voice.

“Yunnie, we’re going to go play football, wanna come?”

“Not right now,” Yunho replied.

Jae soaked up the sound of his voice. Slightly strained, but trying, for Junsu’s sake not to be rude.

“Okay, come outside and watch then.”

Junsu bounded down the stairs, and Jae couldn’t help but smile. He put an arm around Junsu’s shoulder and kissed his cheek. “It’s so good to see you,” he said.

“You, too, Joongie.”

The game lasted well into the afternoon. Leeteuk bowed out about half way because they were playing in a muddy field and he was wearing white clothes. Well, now white with mud splatters on them. He went inside to shower and change.

“So, Kangin,” Kibum said, “when are you two going to just admit it to the rest of us?”

“Shut up, Bummie,” Kangin said.

“We’re not stupid,” Sungmin added. Kangin kicked the ball at him really hard. Sungmin dodged as it flew clear from the field. Kangin cursed and trotted after it.

Yoochun laughed and then explained to Jae, “Whenever we can get one of them alone, we always tease them about being together. Hangeng still swears he’s heard them making out. It’d be a lot easier if you’d just admit it.” That last he shouted so Kangin could hear.

“Fuck you guys!”

The game slowly dwindled until only Junsu and the new kid were in the field. They tapped the ball with their feet, chest and head, seeing how many times they could do it without it falling. The rest of them were settled on the porch. Kangteuk took the swing, with Leeteuk laying his head in Kangin’s lap, knees bent over the armrest. Sungmin sat on the railing, arms draped around Kyuhyun’s shoulders. Changmin, Yoochun and Kibum sat in the chairs.

Jae couldn’t sit. He would for a moment and then get up and pace, and then at Yoochun admonishment, Jae would sit again.

Despite Jae’s nerves, the conversation was light. He told them details about living with Shindong, Yesung and Ryeowook, and about life as a trainee and how he felt at his debut (before the fiasco with Heechul).

“What about Yoochun’s song?” Kibum asked.

Jae grinned. “It’s going on my next album. And they’ve finally cleared me to sing it, so I’ll be performing it at the concert.”

“Really?” Sungmin said. “That’s awesome.”

Yoochun smiled. “That is really cool.”

As the sun dropped, so did the temperature; they made their way inside to the living room again. Jae sat there, quiet. He really missed this. He missed these winter days of relaxing. He missed the hot, summer work days, too. Everything was calm up here. No cars rushing by. No TV, radio, or concert schedules. Privacy. Sure, here he shared a room with nine other men, but he didn’t have fangirls sleeping outside, waiting to take a snap of him in any position and facial expression. He couldn’t sit outside like he had today. He couldn’t play football with his friends.

Friends? Eunhae, Heechul, Siwon. They were almost as busy as he was learning the trades of their family businesses. And Yewook and Shindong had the same busy schedule as he did.

When he really thought about it, yes, they were all his friends, but mostly just surface things. The guys because he’d grown up with him. Yewook and Shindong because he could relate to them.

But who were his friends?

Definitely Junsu, who wrote him a long letter every two days, even if it was filled with a daily account of everything he had heard and seen. And Yoochun, who he would trust at his back for anything. Changmin, definitely Changmin, the only sane being in the craziness that was his life as a pop star.

Something was missing though. Part of his heart, and he knew that it was Yunho. Yunho was more than just a friend. Yunho was why he breathed, why he put up with everything. Nothing in his current life as a spoiled pop star or his previous life as a spoiled rich brat compared to what he had with Yunho.

A hand tugged on his sleeve. “Joongie,” Junsu whispered.

Jae realized he was crying and wiped the tears away. “Sorry.”

“It’s dinner time.”

Jae let himself be led into the house. They all sat in the same seats, leaving an empty chair next to him again. Yunho didn’t come down for dinner.

As people finished eating, they looked at Jae.

Yoochun nodded. “Now would probably be the best chance you’ll get. We’ll leave you alone.”

“Thanks,” Jae said. He took a deep breath, ran his hands on his thighs and stood up. The stairs to the attic were the same. He was used to wide concrete stairs now, and he missed the daily trek up the steep, weathered boards. The door to the attic was slightly ajar. Jae thought he heard his own breathing, or someone’s breathing, but everything was quiet.

He pushed the door open.

Yunho was on his bed. Their bed. _No, not yours anymore. Seungri’s. And Yunho’s._

Junsu had told him that Yunho had started sleeping in his bed again.

“So which one of us talks and spoils this moment?” Yunho asked. His voice was quiet, pained. And he didn’t look at him.

Jae wanted to laugh, but couldn’t past the lump in his throat. He walked into the room. He stopped at Yoosu’s bed and stared at the picture from Changmin’s wedding. Well, he stared at Yunho in the picture. How close their hands were, his head on Yunho’s strong shoulder. His heart ached for those moments.

“So I just have to sit here, staring at you, while you take your sweet precious time to reminisce.”

“You’re staring at me?”

Yunho scoffed.

Jae finally turned. Yunho’s back was to him. Jae sat on Yoosu’s bed and stared at him. He had the sleeves of the t-shirt pushed up to his forearms, and with the way he was lying, the shirt rode up and exposed the top of his boxers and a strip skin. Jae’s fingers itched to touch it.

“Is it okay that I don’t know what to say?” Jae whispered. “I thought I did until I saw you, but I realized that nothing that I could say would be enough.”

Yunho sighed and rolled over. He glanced at Jae once and then looked at the ceiling.

“I guess the only thing I can do is ask if I’m still allowed to love you.” Jae’s voice broke on the last word and he looked away. Tears fell down his cheeks again.

Yunho said nothing.

“I could just talk, you know.” Jae didn’t bother to try to hide the pain in his voice. “And hope that you’ll listen. I ache for you, Yunho. I need you. You think anything in my life means anything right now? Losing you, having you out of my life is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with. Fame, fangirls. It’s not worth it.”

Jae wished the words back as soon as they left his mouth. He remembered that Heechul had said the same thing to him. Yunho must have remembered too because he glared at him.

“Well, it’s not,” Jae whispered.

Yunho looked away.

“I guess I should tell you about Heechul,” Jae said.

Yunho snorted in disgust.

“Yeah, I know, but he was my best friend until he broke my heart. Heechul’s been manipulating me for years. He’s still doing it, or at least trying to. He’s gone from trying to convince me that sharing his bed again is a good idea, to forcing me to share his bed again. I’m never alone with him. Ever. Especially not after … look, he forced me okay? I went to the bathroom to check my makeup, and then suddenly he’s there and all over me. I didn’t even care what I looked like anymore, I just had to get out of that bathroom, and then you were there and, god, Yunho, it’s—”

“I know,” Yunho whispered.

‘I’m not comfortable going into details, but I idolized Heechul growing up. He’s a bit older than I am, but man, ever since I can remember we were together. He talked me into a lot things, we got into trouble together. We started playing around, kissing and stuff, when we were eleven.” Jae sighed. “I don’t know if this makes any sense to you or not, but whatever Heechul said was what I did. I’m not even sure when the abuse started, maybe when we were fourteen or fifteen, but it just got worse. I, of course, knew nothing different. I had no idea that you could have sex without pain. That it could be fun and actually feel good. Not until you showed me it could.”

“You’re welcome,” Yunho said harshly. “At least you got something out of our relationship.”

“Damn it, it was more than that. I had someone who loved me. Someone who worried about me, and cared for me. I’d never had that before.”

“And now you can find someone else to do it.” Yunho sat up, his back to him. His shoulders rose in heavy breathing.

“I don’t want anyone else to do it.”

“I can’t do it anymore, Jae,” he whispered.

“Why not? I lo—”

“Don’t you dare say that to me right now. I thought I knew what to say to you, too, the next time I saw you, but I just can’t. God, that hurt. Even if he was forcing you, it still hurt to see you with his hands on you, like you just had a one off in the bathroom. And how do I know that you haven’t been fucking him since you left here?”

“I’m—”

“I’m not done. Just shut up for a minute. I did love you, Jae. I still—but I can’t. Not anymore. Not knowing what’s going on, not being there. And I’m sure Leeteuk and Yoochun have just told you to wait and be patient and that I’m thinking things through. And I have thought things through. Our lives are different. They always have been. Then they crossed and I thought … I thought they’d be crossed forever.”

“Tell me right now, Yunho. I’ll give it up for you, but I won’t give you up for it. I’ll never leave. Ever.”

“You’re already gone.”

“No, I’m not. I’m right here, begging you. What do you think has kept me going for ten months? Even when we stopped writing, I just knew that I’d get to see you soon. And I knew that as soon as I did, we’d just pick up where we left off.”

“That almost happened.”

“It should have. God, I’m sorry. I thought that you hadn’t even come to my debut. I didn’t see you before the show and then I was in the bathroom when you came in and, damn it, I didn’t even know you were there.”

“So you had sex in the bathroom with Heechul?”

“No. I went in the bathroom to make sure I didn’t cry in front of the guys. You weren’t there. And it was all my fault. I stopped writing. I made excuses why I couldn’t. But I never lost you. You’re always there.”

“Not anymore.”

“Why not?”

Yunho finally turned and looked at him. A tear fell from the corner of his eye and slid down his cheek.

“You understand about Heechul, right?” Jae asked, forcing the words past the ache in his body. “And about that night? What else is stopping you?”

Yunho shrugged. “Looking at you hurts. That’s all I know and when you look at someone and all you feel is pain and betrayal and fear, then you shouldn’t be involved with them.”

“That’s all you feel?”

There was a knock on the door. Yoochun poked his head in, looked at them both and then whispered, “Changmin says you guys need to leave.”

Jae nodded. “Yeah. I guess there isn’t anything left for me here.”

Yunho gasped, but Jae didn’t look at him. He stood, stared at the picture of them again, and then left the room. A harsh choked back sob echoed in the room just before the door shut behind Yoochun.

On the way down the stairs, Jae did the only thing he knew he had down perfectly. He buried it all, swallowed the pain for later, so he could say good bye to the few people he considered friends.


	18. Yunho's Last Chance

**YUNHO**

_The girl’s eyes widened.  
Yunho smiled. “Yes, I’m serious,” he said before she could ask. “Go.”  
The girl clutched the coveted blue paper in her hand, gathered up her purse and bolted down the stairs.  
Yunho settled into the vacated seat. He leaned back and tried to ignore the excited chatter around him._

_One week before …_

Yunho smiled at the picture from Changmin’s wedding. It was easier to remember that day. And their last day by the river. He could remember the way the sun had come through the trees and speckled Jae’s body with shadows. He could remember Jae’s laughter. He couldn’t remember the feel of Jae’s skin, the taste of his mouth. How different would they be now that Jae was back to being pampered again?

Yunho laid back. He let all the thoughts and images of Jae flow through his mind. For the first time in a long time, they made him smile. He remembered the first time they had sex. Jae had been incredibly nervous, and now that Yunho thought about it; Jae had been a bit surprised at the preparation, like he’d never been slowly driven mad with three fingers stretching him open. He came without Yunho even touching him. Yunho had assumed that it had just been a long time since Jae had had sex, not that the only other person in life had been abusing him.

Another wave of anger at Heechul spread through him.

_And you’re just going to let him win? Let Jae go? You love him. Aren’t you supposed to fight for him, not turn pussy at the first sign of trouble? Shit, Yunho, you’re acting like he cheated on you. And you know he didn’t._

Yunho sighed. No, Jae didn’t. All Jae did was love him.

Jae had only written him twice since his impromptu visit up to the farm, but Yunho read both letters. The first one was long, paragraph after paragraph of never letting him go, never loving anyone else, even if Yunho didn’t love him anymore.

Incredibly sappy, but it at least eased Yunho’s heart a bit. He’d never meant for Jae to leave thinking that Yunho didn’t love him. Yoochun had just come in so suddenly, and then Jae was gone. And he’d been left with a voice screaming to run after him, but a body unable to move.

He looked at the picture again. And then at the blue ticket sitting on his chest. A single sheet of paper lay next to it with the words: **Just in case I’m still allowed to love you.**

The contents of the second letter.

Yunho had tried to write Jae back, probably started and threw away fifty attempts at writing down what he wanted to say, but he couldn’t.

The door opened, and Yoochun entered. He paused, stared at Yunho for a moment and then came and sat on the bed.

“The fact that you haven’t ripped that ticket up is a pretty strong indication that there are feelings there. I know that he hurt you, but I also know that you know that it wasn’t his fault. Why are you holding on to this pain when you don’t have to?”

“But what if—”

“‘What if’ is a dangerous game.”

After a moment of silence, Yoochun whispered, “Stop fighting with yourself, Yunho. Love is unpredictable. There’s always going to be the ‘what if’, but the difference is that you understand that, take it and embrace it, and then spend every day with him like it’s going to be your last day together. Seriously, if you want to play the ‘what if’ game, do it this way. What if Jae gets hit by a bus today and dies? What if he gets cancer and doesn’t tell you and we don’t find out about his death until Yesung writes us a letter? What if—”

“Okay, I get it.”

“If either of those things happen, and you haven’t told Jae how you feel, then you’ll be a mess. You really want the last words you ever said to him to be angry?”

“No.”

Yoochun stood. “I know you’re tired of hearing me talk. And Junsu talk. And Leeteuk talk. I promise that we won’t bother you about this anymore. If you decide to go, then we’ll support you. If you decide not to go, we’ll support you.”

“Thanks, Chunnie. I’ll go.”

Yoochun turned and smirked. “I know.”

\-----  
  
Yunho paced the train car. God, how again did Yoochun and Leeteuk make this sound like a good idea?

Damn them both.

He knew he was bothering the other passengers, but he couldn’t help it. He couldn’t sit still. He’d try and then just be up again to pace the walkway. After the third hour on the train, a voice said, “God, just sit down.”

Yunho looked over at a girl. She was young and pretty, and in her lap was Jaejoong’s CD.

“You like Hero?” he said.

She smiled. “Yeah. He’s hot, and man, his voice is so pretty.”

“Yeah. Are you going to his concert?”

“If I can talk to my mom into it. Are you?”

“Yeah, tomorrow night.”

“Lucky.”

Without an invitation, he sat next to her. She raised her eyebrows, but didn’t tell him to move. “So what are you so nervous about?”

Yunho scoffed. “I’m meeting a friend and, well the last time we talked, we argued and it feels like our friendship is deteriorating, and that hurts.”

“But you’re meeting,” she said. “That must mean you don’t want the friendship to end, and if you don’t want it to, then it won’t. My dad always says that when you want something, you should do whatever it is to get it. If you don’t, then you didn’t really want it in the first place.”

Yunho thought about that. “Guess you’ll be going to Jae’s concert then?”

The girl smiled, and then frowned. “Jae?” Her eyes widened and she whispered, “Do you know Kim Jaejoong?”

Yunho smiled. “We all have secrets, don’t we?” he replied but pulled his VIP ticket from his pocket.

Her mouth gaped open. “Holy—wait. Is he the friend you’re fighting with?”

Yunho was glad he was expecting the question. He managed to keep his smile. “No. How can you fight with Jae?”

“I know, right? He’s so amazing.” The girl sighed. “Can you get his autograph for me?”

Yunho laughed. “Sure.”

The girl wrote down her name and address. She gave Yunho her CD case to have Jae sign. It wasn’t until Yunho went back to his seat that he thought of how incredibly trusting and foolish this Kelly girl was. Well, he guessed when you were obsessed with something, logic and caution went away. Logic was definitely gone on how he’d been treating Jae, and Yunho admitted that he was obsessed with the other man.

He waved to Kelly on the platform and then dug a piece of paper from his pocket. He read the address, and then hailed a cab.

The cab got caught in traffic. As the minutes ticked by and the brake lights flashed, Yunho’s nerves shot up. It had been Junsu’s idea for him to go the night before, so he could talk to Jae before the concert. He had a sinking suspicion that he and Yesung planned it though, since as soon as he agreed to it, Junsu said Yesung would be waiting for him.

The cab finally arrived. Yunho climbed out, paid him and then looked for Yesung. All he saw were fangirls.

A man exited the building. All the girls looked over and then frowned and looked back to their phones.

He was older, probably a manager and he headed straight for Yunho. “Are you Yunho?”

“Yeah.”

“Follow me.”

The man went back to the door. He covered the pin pad with his hands and entered the code. He smiled. “Have to cover it. Those fangirls are sneaky with their zoom in cameras. We have to change the code every other week.”

He led Yunho to an elevator, hit the number ten and then it was quiet. Yunho stared at the ceiling, trying to control his breathing.

The elevator door slid open. At the only door in the hallway, he entered another code, there was a beep, and he lifted the latch.

“He’s here, Yesung.”

Yunho entered the room. Everything was very clean. Clean lines, wood floors and cabinents. He slid his shoes off and added them to the pile at the door. Lots of shoes.

He bowed to Yesung, but the other man gave him a hug. “Welcome. Come on in. You remember Ryeowook?”

Yunho said hello, and Ryeowook grinned.

“That’s Shindong. Shindong this is Yunho.”

The man that came up to him was a bit on the larger side, but in no way fat. His hair was cropped close to his head, but spiked up and chunky.

He smiled widely at Yunho. “It’s good to finally meet you. Jae talks about you all the time.” Shindong looked him up and down. “I guess you’re good looking, but by the way Jae talks about you, one would think you were Michelangelo’s David in the flesh, but I’m straight, so what do I know?”

Yunho smiled.

“Yunho, I’m so glad you decided to come,” Ryeowook said. “Jae is going to flip.”

“Where is he?”

Yesung made a face. “Those friends of his dragged him to a club. Not Heechul. Just Eunhae. I had to make excuses why I wasn’t going, but we can go if you want to see him sooner.”

“I don’t know. I mean, a club isn’t the best place to talk to someone.”

Yesung smirked. “No, but it is the best place when talking isn’t the best option.”

“What do you mean?”

“You can say all the words you want, but I think throwing him up against a wall and kissing him would get your point across.”

Yunho laughed. “Probably.”

Yesung turned to the others. “You want to go?”

Ryeowook shook his head. “No thanks.”

“I’ve got to be at the station early,” Shindong said, “so I better not.”

“Okay. We’ll be back later.”

Yesung took Yunho’s bag and set it on a chair. He led the way to the elevator. He hit the button for the basement. “This club is really exclusive. I mean, you’ll get in because you’re with me, but it’s off limits to anyone the bartender doesn’t know. It’s right down the alley, so no fangirls can get in, or even find it.”

The doors opened. They went through the garage to a back metal door and slipped outside.

“And if we get drunk, we can just walk home,” Yesung said with a grin.

The club was less than five minutes away. A bouncer stood at the door. Yesung greeted him and then said, “This is Yunho. He’s friends with Jae.”

The bouncer nodded and opened the door.

It took a moment for Yunho’s eyes to adjust to the sudden flickering lights of the club. The dance music wasn’t too loud, and there were only a few people dancing. His eyes scanned the room.

He spotted Donghae first, since he was facing him. Yunho only assumed that it was Eunhyuk whose body was bent with his face in Donghae’s lap. And based on Donghae’s perfectly content expression, Yunho had a pretty good idea what Eunhyuk was doing.

All he saw was Jae’s strong profile. He looked tense, but he was smiling at least.

Someone else leaned across the table.

Heechul.

“Fuck,” Yesung said when he saw Heechul.

The swirling lights from the dance floor illuminated the table for just a moment. Heechul had his hand on Jae’s knee.

Yunho couldn’t breath. His vision swam. He backpedaled. A hostess opened the door for him. He staggered outside, breathing in the cool night air. He didn’t know where to go, what to do. How was he supposed to keep doing this when every time he saw Jae it looked like he was with Heechul?

Yesung was beside him. “I swear I didn’t know he was here. Let me go back in and get Jae.”

“No,” Yunho said and shook his head.

“Look, he doesn’t like Heechul.”

“Everyone keeps telling me that, but my eyes see differently. I can’t keep doing this.”

Yunho started walking, but Yesung grabbed his arm. “This way.”

Yesung was blessedly silent on the way back to his apartment. Yunho probably would have snapped at him had he said anything.

Ryeowook and Shindong were surprised when they walked back through the door.

“What happened?’ Ryeowook asked and stood up.

Yesung waved him silent. Yunho grabbed his bag and headed for the door.

“Come to the concert,” Yesung said.

“No. I’m done with this.”

“Trust me. Come to the concert. This is all just circumstantial and you know it. You’re not stupid, Yunho. I know it’s hard, but try to take your heart out of this and listen. I’ve known Jae for a year now, and never once, I promise you, has he ever done anything with anyone. You don’t know the ways of the entertainment world, but he could have had whoever he wanted. There are girls and guys on call just to service us if we want them. The managers stopped offering, because Jae always refused. When Eunhae and Heechul started coming around, Jae was never, ever alone with Heechul. He wouldn’t even let Heechul in the apartment if he was here by himself. After his debut, when Heechul went in that bathroom, both Siwon and I tried to stop him. And then after you left, Heechul tried to kiss him and Jae smacked him and threatened to kick his ass if he didn’t leave. He doesn’t want Heechul.”

Yunho sighed and waved a hand at him. “I know, I know. I just … ”

“Come to the concert,” Yesung said.

“Maybe.”

Yunho left. He hit the elevator button. Tears started falling half way down, and continued when he left the building. He walked, in no particular direction, looking for a hotel.


	19. Jaejoong's Last Chance

**JAEJOONG**

_Today …_

Jae jerked alert when someone tapped him on the shoulder. He yanked out his earbuds.

“It’s showtime,” Yesung said.

Jae took a deep breath. “I think this is the most nervous I’ve ever been. Do you think Yunho will come?”

Yesung winced. “I hope so.”

“Dude, Yesung, what’s wrong?” Jae asked.

Yesung wouldn’t look at him. “Nothing.”

“You were quiet last night when I got back from the club, and you’ve been distant all day today.”

“Just nervous about the concert.”

Jae didn’t believe him. Yesung loved to perform, but he let it slide. Maybe he and Ryeowook were having problems. But that morning and all through final rehearsals they were just as lovey dovey as always. Well, Yesung would have told him if he had a problem with Jae. Yesung didn’t keep things buried like that. He’d tell him when he was ready.

Without his earbuds in, Jae could hear the crowd screaming and chanting. Was Yunho out there?

The five of them – him, Wheesung, Kangta, and YeWook – met in the hallway just at the stage entrance. Being the eldest, Kangta gathered them in a circle.

“We’ve got this, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Jae,” he said, “first concert. You going to be alright?”

“Fulfilling the dream,” Jae said with a grin, even though murderous butterflies were turning his stomach into their own war path. “It’s awesome.”

They all put their hands in the middle.

Kangta counted, “One, two, three.”

“Fighting!”

They gave each other hugs, pats on the back and in Yewook’s case, soft kisses. Jae jumped a couple times, deep breaths, trying to expel the energy rising in him.

Then the announcer’s voice welcomed everyone, and the cheers tripled. Jae checked his mic one more time, and then they were all up the ramp running on stage. They had prepared a couple of songs with all five of them and they sang one of those first. And then made introductions.

Jae searched the crowd in vain while Kangta talked. The lights were too bright and there were too many lightsticks and signs. Almost half of those had his name on them.

He sent up a silent prayer that Yunho was there somewhere.

Wheesung had control of the stage first, knocking the fangirls mildly unconscious with his performance of _Insomnia_. After him, YeWook sang the majority of their hit singles. And then the five of them sang another joint song.

After their middle performance, and Jae’s stagename was announced, the noise in the arena tripled again.

Jae took a deep breath and made his way to his spot on the stage. The crowd was chanting his name. Shivers danced up his spine. A bright spotlight hit him. He launched immediately into his first song, a fast one with lots of dancing and those hip thrusts that made the girls scream.

The earplugs couldn’t drown out the screams when he was finished.

He took a few deep breaths, and then said thank you, and bowed. He walked over to a piano. “I never thought that’d I’d ever have the chance to be up on this stage performing for you all. It’s amazing how life works, how one moment you’re playing around, singing and dancing with your friends, and then things change, and suddenly you’re singing in front of an audience. I guess what I’m trying to say is never give up. You never know when your fortunes will shift. This next song helped change my life.”

Jae took a deep breath and started playing _Love Bye Love_. It had been released as a digital single just two weeks before, and Jae heard the muted sound of the audience singing with him through his earplugs.

He was quiet for a moment after the song ended and the cheers subsided. This next song was why he was here. And why he hoped Yunho was here. Only Yewook and Shindong had heard this song and he was taking a huge gamble. He was supposed to sing another one of his ballads from his CD. He was about to piss off a whole bunch of upper management.

It was worth it. For Yunho, it was worth it.

Jae took one more deep breath.

“Love Bye Love was written by a friend of mine, Park Yoochun,” Jae said, “and I’m very thankful to him that he allowed me to sing it. Not only is Yoochun-shi an amazing song writer, but he’s a great friend. He once told me that real love is about supporting each other. Being there for each other, but only in the ways that the other person needs. He was right. I’m here because of the love and support of someone special. Someone that gave up everything so I could be on this stage tonight. But honestly, I’m not quite sure it was worth it. I wrote a song, and I was wondering if you guys would let me play it?”

The fangirls went wild.

“This song is called Let Me Love You. It is for that someone special, wherever they are right now.”

_Am I still allowed to love you?  
Am I still allowed to cry?  
Am I still allowed to hold you close  
In the dark when I’m alone?_

_Am I still allowed to call your name?  
Am I still allowed to dream?  
Am I still allowed between your sheets  
At night when I sleep alone?_

_I’m not allowed to love you  
But time cannot erase  
The way your body felt with mine  
The way your brown eyes shine_

_Am I still allowed to call you mine?  
Am I still allowed to hope?  
Can I still pretend we’re holding hands  
When I walk at night alone?_

_I’m not allowed to love you  
But time cannot erase  
The way your body felt with mine  
The way your brown eyes shine_

_I won’t ever get over you  
I won’t ever forget  
I won’t turn off my love_

_I know I’m not allowed  
And time has almost erased  
The way your body felt with mine  
The way your brown eyes shine  
But I will always be yours  
Please  
Let me love you._

The fangirls were going crazy. Despite the incredible ache in Jae’s heart, he smiled at them, knowing that it was showing on every view screen in the arena.

“I love you,” he whispered. “Forever.”

He stood up suddenly, grabbed the mic from the stand and said, “Did you all like that?”

They screeched.

“Well, let’s pick things up a bit.”

Jae looked behind him as the backup dancers filled in the stage behind him. A single spotlight hit him again, and the music started. With smiles, winks and hip thrusts, he soared through his final dance song.

He made his bows, and thank yous and exited the stage.

Kangta shook his head as they passed backstage. “That was incredibly stupid,” he said. “Brilliant, but stupid.”

It seemed that the managers thought the same thing. As soon as the concert was over, he was pulled into a separate room and reprimanded for a good ten minutes. And then they were demanding to know why Jae didn’t say he could write music.

“I haven’t written a song since I was sixteen,” he protested.

His main manager sighed. “You’re lucky it was good.”

“No, you’re lucky it was good,” Jae replied. “As long as Yunho heard it, I don’t care what anyone else thinks.”

“Get changed,” he snapped. His phone rang. Jae left the room with a grin. He went to wardrobe.

As soon as he entered, Yesung was hugging him. “That was amazing.”

Ryeowook and Wheesung quickly agreed.

“What did the big chief say?” Kangta asked.

Jae pulled his clothes off as he answered, “A bunch of why did you do it, how could you do it, but then he ended with telling me that it was good.”

They all laughed.

“It was good,” Kangta said. “Now they’re going to want you to write your own songs.”

Jae shrugged. “I’m alright with that.”

Jae pulled on the clothes he’d come in. Jeans, that green t-shirt. He lightly traced the T in the word “BITE”, and then he sighed.

“Hey,” Yesung said and clapped him on the shoulder. “Let’s get home.”

“Good idea.”

As they were walking through the halls toward the back entrance, a voice called Jae’s name. A security guard ran up to him.

“Sorry to bother you, Hero,” he said and bowed, “but some guy told me to give this to you. I’ve been trying to find you for almost an hour.”

He held out a piece of paper.

With his heart fluttering, Jae took it and unfolded it.

**Nice song. My train leaves at one.**

Jae gasped. “What time is it?” he demanded of Yesung, and then looked at his own watch. “ Twelve-thirty? Fuck!”

Jae ran for the back door.

“Jae, wait! What is it?”

He wrenched the door open. He pushed through the fangirls being held by security. He practically dove in the car. Ryeowook was already there, and Yesung climbed in after him.

“Take me to the train station now,” Jae told the driver. “Don’t even argue, just go.”

The driver looked at Yesung.

“Go,” Yesung said.

“Yes, sir.”

Jae leaned back and shut his eyes. He was never going to make it.

“Jae?” Ryeowook whispered.

Jae uncurled his fingers from Yunho’s note and handed it to them.

Yesung’s eyes went wide. “He came. I didn’t think he would.”

Jae looked at them. Ryeowook dropped his eyes but not before Jae saw guilt in them.

“Why?” he said suspiciously. “You two have been acting weird all day. Is it because of Yunho?”

“Well, Jae,” Yesung said and then cleared his throat. “Yunho was here last night. He came to our apartment. We were going to surprise you, so we went to the club.”

“And he saw me with Heechul.” Jae shut his eyes. A tear slid down his cheek. “Fucking perfect.” He punched the seat.

“He was all set to leave last night,” Yesung said, “but I talked to him, and I guess I convinced him to still come tonight. I didn’t tell him about your song.”

The rest of the ride was silent. Jae kept looking at his watch. When the time ticked past the one, more tears fell down his cheeks. He thought of telling the driver to turn around, but there was a chance the train was late.

Maybe.

The car hadn’t even stopped before Jae had the door open and he was running inside. The big clock on the wall read 1:13. Jae scanned the seats, heart dropping as every person his eyes landed on wasn’t Yunho.

He looked at the screen listing departures and arrivals. Yunho’s train number wasn’t on it. Jae managed to get to the closest chair before collapsing. He missed him. By thirteen minutes he’d missed him.

He was trying to calm his breathing when someone sat next to him. He didn’t want to see Yesung or Ryeowook. He didn’t want to see anyone. He shut his eyes and turned his head away.

Fingers slid along the back of his hand, and then entwined with his.

Rough fingers, a callused hand that he’d never forget the feel of.

Jae spun around, eyes wide and mouth open.

Yunho smiled. “Hey,” he whispered.

Jae couldn’t breathe, couldn’t respond. Tears tracked down his cheek. Yunho lifted his other hand and wiped them away. Jae’s eyes shut and he leaned into his hand with a whimper. The touch shook, and then both hands were on his cheeks, pulling him closer, until their lips met. They both made the same needy noise.

Jae was still too shocked to do more than stay there, lips pressed together, legs suddenly entwining.

Finally, Yunho broke away. He rested his forehead against Jae’s and whispered, “I love you.”

Another set of tears fell from Jae’s eyes and he hugged Yunho as hard as he could.

Yunho laughed, but held him tighter, shifted them into a more comfortable position. “I was being stupid,” Yunho whispered. “Completely and utterly stupid. Life without you sucks. Life without this, without getting to hold you, sucks.”

“Yeah,” Jae said. “It really does.”

They pulled apart far enough to kiss again. And then Yunho choked out, “I’m so sorry, Jae. For not believing you, for not understanding, for hurting you. For loving you so much that I thought you’d be better without me.”

“I’m sorry, too,” Jae said.

“About what? You’re the innocent in this.”

“I’m sorry about Heechul. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you about him before, and well, that you always seemed to catch me at the most inopportune times. Yesung says you saw me with him last night.”

Yunho nodded.

“Too bad you didn’t see what happened when Heechul tried to kiss me.”

“What’d you do?”

“Kneed him in the groin and then elbowed him in the face when he tried to fight back.”

Yunho laughed. “Really?”

“Yeah. Bloodied his nose. I’m sick of his shit. He doesn’t understand what the word ‘no’ means.”

“I’m still going to have to hit him,” Yunho said, “for my own sanity.”

“I won’t stop you.”

They stared at each other.

“I can’t believe you’re here,” Jae whispered.

“It was really hard to come. I really came just to see you one more time, and then try to forget about you. But then you sang that song and … and, damn it, Jae, it just slammed home everything that I would miss and everything that I’d have to live without if I didn’t come back to you.”

“I actually meant here in the train station,” Jae said with a smile. “Your train left at one.”

Yunho shrugged. “I took a chance. I was about to leave when I saw you barrel in.”

“Come back to my place?” Jae said, voice dropping and lip curling in a feral grin.

Yunho shivered. “I wish I could,” he said, “but I told Jonghyun I’d be back tomorrow. I already have a ticket for the next train at four.”

“I don’t know when I’m going to get to see you again,” Jae said. “I have a concert tour for the next two months.”

“I know, but I’ll write to you. And I mean it, I will. And Junsu has saved most of your letters from before, and I’ll read all of those.”

Jae smiled. “Junsu. Give him and Yoochun hugs for me, okay?”

“I will.”

A throat cleared behind them. They both glanced at the smiling faces of YeWook.

“I take it everything’s okay now,” Yesung said.

Jae curled into Yunho’s warm body, his face at his neck. “Yeah.”

“Good. I hate to be a pain, but we have to go. The managers are freaking out and some of the fangirls followed us here. Security is trying to keep them at bay but there are going to be pictures of you two all over the internet in a few minutes.”

Jae cringed. “Fuck. Sorry, Yunho. I didn’t think.”

He shrugged. “I don’t mind.”

“I’m going to get killed for this,” Jae said. He looked at Yunho and smiled. “It’s totally worth it though.”

They kissed again, this one deeper and longer than the other one. Jae’s heart fluttered and his stomach flipped, much like they had the very first time Yunho had kissed him. They didn’t break apart until Yesung started pulling at Jae’s arm.

Jae stood up, pulling Yunho with him for another hug and another kiss.

“I love you,” Jae said.

“I love you, too,” Yunho replied.

The last part of their bodies that touched were their hands. Jae didn’t let go until he had to, and then he turned and smiled at Yunho until they were through the doors. He waved and blew Yunho a kiss.

Yunho waved back.

Cameras flashed around him. Yesung was right. There would be pictures and articles and news reports all over the TV tomorrow.

Jae couldn’t wait to see them.


	20. Epilogue: YunJae's Future

**YUNHO**

_Two months, one week and three days later …_

Yunho didn’t miss the furtive looks. Nor did he miss the smirks that Yoochun and Leeteuk kept exchanging. Junsu and Kyumin would whisper and look over at him while they worked.

_What are you guys hiding?_

The number of exchanged looks increased during dinner. Yunho ignored them, but couldn’t help but smile.

When he was through eating, he headed toward the front door.

“Where are you going, Yunho?”

He turned and smiled at Leeteuk. The others still at the table were carefully avoiding his gaze.

“It’s nice out,” he said, gesturing to the sinking sun. Yunho always did love summer. “I’m going to go for a walk.”

“In your work clothes?” Sungmin said.

“I think you should go upstairs and change.” This was from Kangin.

Yunho’s eyebrows raised. Even Kangin was in on this?

He decided to humor them. “You’re right. I do stink a bit, yeah.”

“Yeah,” Leeteuk said, nodding enthusiastically.

Yunho shook his head, but headed up the stairs. He was sort of surprised when he entered the attic. Yoosu were curled up on their bed, exchanging soft kisses, but the rest of the attic was empty. Everything looked normal. What was going on?

“Big plans tonight?” Yoochun asked.

Junsu shoved him in the ribs.

“Alright,” Yunho said. “Out with it. You’ve all been acting weird. Tell me the secret.”

“What secret?” Yoochun said with a smirk. “You mean the one where you jerk off to thoughts of Yoosu?”

“Yoochun!” Junsu said and buried his head into Yoochun’s chest.

Yunho nodded and licked his lips, but said, “I have a much hotter person to think of when jerking off.”

He moved to his bed and sat down. Ah, so there was one thing that wasn’t normal. A piece of paper set on top of his chest. He unfolded it.

Jae’s handwriting.

He read the words. Wide eyed, he looked at Yoosu. They were both grinning like mad.

**Come and get me.**

Faster than Yunho had ever changed before, he shucked off his boots and muddy jeans. He slid into clean sweats and a t-shirt.

“No panties?” Yoochun said.

Yunho flipped him off on his way out the door. He barreled down the stairs, didn’t pause when the rest of the guys laughed. They all knew Jae was here.

He shouted a “Fuck you all for not telling me,” and was out the door, running full pelt, barefoot across the grass to the river. He stopped at the trees, gasping for breath. Just as he was about to go through the curtain, someone cleared their throat.

He whipped around. Jae stood to the right of him. He had been hiding around the bend, waiting for Yunho.

Yunho covered the distance between them, gathered him up and kissed him hard. Jae’s hands were immediately under his shirt, and then slid under the waistband of the sweats. Yunho broke away with a cry and pressed their bodies together.

“Surprise,” Jae said and moved his kisses to his neck.

“Yeah.”

“I told you my concert was ending. I told you I’d come and see you.”

“Uh-huh. But you never said when.”

“Again, surprise.” Jae pulled away, but held his hand. “Come on. I bet the river misses you.”

Yunho smiled. “Misses us.”

They moved to the tress. Jae removed his shoes and rolled up his pant legs. Yunho just waded in. The pants weren’t going to be on very long and they’d be dry before Yunho got done with Jae.

“How long are you here?” Yunho asked.

Jae smiled. “I have three days.”

Yep, those pants would definitely dry in three days.

Jae tackled him right when they got on the bank. The pants were gone. The t-shirt ripped when Jae tugged it over Yunho’s head. His lips and tongue and, god those soft hands, moved across Yunho’s body.

“I want you to move to Seoul,” Jae whispered.

Yunho made a noise of disbelief.

Jae’s hand wrapped around him and stroked him slowly.

“Come and live with me,” he continued.

Yunho squirmed. His brain was trying to argue with the voice whispering stuff about sleeping next to him and waking up next to him for the rest of their lives. Yeah, it sounded good, hell anything would sound good with Jae’s slow ministrations to his body. God, it’d been so long since Jae touched him. And Jae would cook for him, make all his favorites, in their kitchen, after they broke it in and Yunho took him on the island and the counters and the table and the floor. Oh, and the kitchen chairs.

Yunho whimpered.

“Say you’ll do it. After this season.”

Jae’s tongue touched the tip of him. With a strangled cry, Yunho’s back arched off the grass and he came, covering his stomach and Jae’s hand.

After Yunho’s breathing steadied from chaotic to gasping, Jae lazily traced a hand up his chest.

“So?” he said.

Yunho smiled. “Is this one of those, ask during sex because it’s easier to get a yes for an answer, one of things?”

“Maybe.”

Yunho sat up quickly. He pushed Jae to the ground and started undressing him.

“You’ll cook for me, huh?” Yunho said.

“Yes.”

“Breakfast in bed?”

“Only if you’re having me for breakfast.”

“Hm, Jae for breakfast, every morning. Sounds like a good plan to me.”

Yunho kissed him, long, deep, needy. The last kiss they had shared under this tree had been one of desperation and terror. Fear that they’d never be here again. This kiss, oh, this kiss held the promise of more. The need for more, the joy in knowing that they were there again, and that even if they almost lost each other, they were together. That was all that mattered.


End file.
